Want to annoy a British person? Here's how

One of Britain's favourite pastimes is 'tut tut-ing' at America. It's as British as afternoon tea. And I can't say I blame the ol' limeys—as the empire continues to shrink, all they can do is watch as we bastardise their language and make a mockery of their royal family.

When they lost Hong Kong in 1997, making fun of Americans was one of the few constants they could cling to. Fair enough. The poor chaps.

Long hair - gross.

America loves its flag. In many countries, flag waving is seen as a bit nationalistic and pretty right wing. But in America, the flag is just part of the country's decor. One time I actually Googled "the flag", without realising how presumptuous that was. Other countries have flags too, I reminded myself. There's no such thing as "the flag". But still, 99% of the images that came up were of the US flag. So I felt a bit vindicated. 

Anyway, if you want to keep Brits on your good side and avoid their sideways glances—perhaps you're courting one or maybe you're hoping to hire an expat to tutor your high-schooler in history (I know a guy you can call)—here are some common Americanisms to avoid:

Crime: The long A
Example: "Happy H-AHH-lloween", "Let's eat pAHsta with meatballs"
Explanation: It's so funny, because people from the south of England (London and below) absolutely adore the long A. They say things like 'gr-ah-ss' instead of 'grass' and 'b-AH-thtub' instead of 'bathtub'. HOWEVER, when Americans choose to apply the long A to certain words, Brits totally lose their cool. Think of the name Al, as in "I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can call me Al". For the most part, that's the A sound that Brits like. Video explanation below:

Crime: Shortening the phrase 'pissed off' to 'pissed'
Example: "Bob totally ditched me at the party last night. I was so pissed!"
Explanation: To a Brit, 'pissed' means 'drunk', and using it to mean 'irritated' or 'angry' is incorrect, not to mention confusing. In the example above, they would think you were saying that you were heavily intoxicated, which changes the meaning of the sentence completely.

Crime: Referring to the UK as 'Europe' or to a British person as 'European'
Example: "My sister is on vacation in Europe right now—she's going to London, then Liverpool and, finally, Edinburgh."
Explanation: Even though the UK is technically part of Europe (both politically and geographically), Brits don't regard themselves as European. The term 'Europe' refers to continental Europe—France, Germany, Spain, etc.

Crime: Saying someone has a 'British accent'
Example: "I just love Robert Pattinson's British accent!"
Explanation: Robert Pattinson has an English accent. There's no such thing as a British accent. That would imply that Groundskeeper Willie, Tom Jones and the Queen all have the same accent. Even saying 'English accent' is far too vague, but at least it's (technically) accurate.

Crime: Saying World War II started in 1941
Example: "World War II started in 1941"
Explanation: Eeek. I am guilty of this one. Don't blame me! Blame Kenmore Jr. High! I swear that I had those dates—1941 to 1945—seared into my memory via all my textbooks and teachers. When Americans say the war started in 1941, Brits get annoyed because, for them, it started in 1939, when Germany invaded Poland and Britain decided to do something about it. When America finally got involved two years later, the Brits were like "Where the heck have you guys been?!" But before you start to feel too bad, keep in mind that, if we were Chinese, we would say the war started in 1931 with the invasion of Manchuria. So nobody's perfect (even you, Britain).

Crime: Confusing nationality with national heritage
Example: Guy whose family has lived in Seattle for four generations: "I'm Irish!"
Explanation: When you enthusiastically say to a Brit, "I'm Irish!", they will think you're saying that you're actually Irish—as in, born and raised in Ireland. Instead, say "my ancestors are from Ireland". Note: if you're an American and you're thinking, "What? Nobody does this. What are you talking about?", think harder. I didn't realise people did it at first either. But lots of people do.

Crime: Referring to sports teams in the singular
Example: "Liverpool is playing really well"
Explanation: Stateside, we refer to sports teams in the plural if we're using the mascot as the team name (e.g. "The Seahawks are playing well"), but we refer to a team in the singular if we're using the city as the team name (e.g. "Seattle is playing really well"). In the UK, whether you're using the city or the mascot, it's always plural. Liverpool are playing really well.

Now, it's important that you understand this: I'm not saying that the Brits are right about all of the above. Only avoid these Americanisms if you want to impress a Brit for whatever reason. But if you don't, then keep on keepin' on.

In related news, if you aren't quite sure what separates the terms 'Great Britain, 'United Kingdom', 'England', etc., this video is worth watching (it's recommended by Lord Andy himself):



Cheerio,
Margaret