99 problems, but a smartphone ain't one

Or is it, 'Got 99 problems, but a smartphone is one' or 'but a dumbphone ain't one?' I never did understand that lyric.

Anyway, the point is: I don't have a smartphone. Can you believe it? I—digital marketer, blogger extraordinaire, voice of a generation—cannot access the Internet via my phone. I can't take or receive photos or videos either. I don't even think I can download ringtones.

When I walk places, I get lost. When I forget who sings a certain song, I agonise over it for hours. When I encounter something amusing in real life, I try to remember it so that I can tell people about it later, but then I actually just forget it. Such is the life of someone with a Samsung E1050.

"Hi Taylor, what's up?
Hahaha, no waaay!
Harry actually said that?
Oh my god.
Crazy."

In a world where practically everyone has a smartphone, including both of my parents, what on earth would stop me from obtaining such an objectively useful piece of technology? A few reasons:

1) Laziness — A huge part of my no-iPhone situation comes down to laziness. Getting one would mean walking to a shop, or scrolling through loads of options online. I would have to cancel my current contract, get a new one, set up billing, transfer across my contacts—UGH, I'm stressed out already.

2) Cheapness —My current phone cost £9.99 and it does the job just fine. I'm not sure, but something tells me iPhones cost more than that.

3) Fear of commitment — I never planned to stay in Edinburgh for that long, let alone make a lifelong vow to a filthy Redcoat named Andy. The thought of signing a two-year contract with a British mobile phone company puts me on edge (I'm currently on a rolling monthly contract). What would the Founding Fathers think of me then? Live free or die, etc.

4) Fear of who I would become — You know that person who, mid conversation, grabs his phone from his pocket and begins scrolling, purely out of habit and without even realising what he's doing? That would be me. You know that person who shares a photo of every beautiful sunset, cute baby, delicious meal and hilarious A-frame restaurant sign she comes across? That would be me.

Smartphones have been around a while, but smartphone etiquette is in its infancy. Society still hasn't grasped the dos and don'ts. If I had one, I would be the worst offender of all. My laptop alone causes me to enter a trance-like state, designing budget logos on PowerPoint for hours, yet thinking only five minutes has passed. I don't think I could be trusted with something as addicting and accessible as a smartphone.

It's not that I think smartphones are bad. In fact, the reason I refuse to get one is because I know they are so, so GOOD! I know I would end up liking it too much. It's like heroin or Jet-Puffed Marshmallow Creme. Why start?

You ol' gal,
Margaret

P.S. I charge my phone once a month.