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Thursday, April 21, 2011

Where the H is my Robot Vacuum?


Why on God's green earth is there not a robot vacuum scooting around my flat right now? Why isn't there a flying car parked in the driveway (besides the fact that I don't have a driveway)?

These things have been invented.


Hmm, I wonder where they came up with
the idea for this robot vacuum's design (R2-D2)

Flying car= Amazing thing

So, why have they not broken into the mainstream? The vacuum (I always Google that word to make sure I spell it right because it's just so weird with the two 'u's) I can understand. It probably doesn't get into the corners very well and scares dogs/cats.

However, the flying car seems like an ideal solution to traffic and unreliable public transportation. I just don't get it. Maybe with all the hubbub about Global Climate Change (or as it was called in my day "Global Warming") the flying car seems like a step backward? I guess as soon as someone invents a solar-powered flying car we'll be in business. OR, wow- I just came up with this- why not wind power? It makes sense. It flies through the sky where there's always plenty of wind. DERN, I'm good.

Anyhoo, check out the other things that have been invented and ignored:

The perfectly-portioned one-click butter dispenser.

One-wheeled motorcycle (invented in 1931).

Drawers inside the stairs?! My mind has just been blown.

You'll never have to curl your toothpaste tube up again!

Check out more cool inventions from ye ol' days at BoredPanda. They are all pretty wonderful.

TGIF tomorrow!!! It happens every week, yet it never ceases to be exciting as all get out. FRIDAY, folks. FRIDAY. It's the best.



Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Laffy Tafty

I've always had a smoldering, almost subconscious obsession with President William Howard Taft and I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint why. After some careful consideration in the minutes leading up to me writing this blog post I was able to conclude that, yes, it is because he was the fattest president ever. Of course. I mean, what a legacy! The second reason: he had a custom-made bath tube. I LOVE baths!

Look at his official White House oil painted portrait. That guy had a belly on him. To give him some credit, though, Wikipedia says he lost about 80 pounds after he left office. Way to go Tafty!

Taft's custom-made bathtub!

Anyway, the portrait makes me wonder when "full-figured" people stopped wearing their pants (trousers) over their gut, and started wearing the waistline right under the gut. At what point in history did that moment occur?

Also, what looks better? Wearing the waistline up near the belly button makes the portly individual appear to have a ginormous bladder. However, wearing it underneath the belly leaves it all to hang out. Thoughts?

Hey! It looks liked the BBC has already tackled this issue. They always beat me to it! Check out their jazzy compare/contrast photo:

According to the article it was around the turn of the 20th Century (when people started to wear lounge suits...HA) that waistlines began to fall. And they have ebbed and flowed since.

Well, we've all learned something today. Now it's time for me to make some tea and watch some Glee. Ugh, I HATE unintentional rhyming sentences.

Love ya,


P.S. Look at the d'angelos on that "trendy teenager!"

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Vocation Sensation

Warning:This cartoon has nothing to do with the rest of the blog, I just like it.

Last year as I was writing my horrendous dissertation as part of a horrendous course to get a horrendous degree, I would continually whine to Andy that I "should have learned a trade." Though I have since emerged out of the depths of my dissertation despair, I still daydream about what my life would be like had I not decided to get a liberal arts education pursue and education for education's sake.

If I were a flight attendant: I would give a free beer or a glass of wine or a snack to the passengers I thought seemed nice. I would tell them that every time I fly I pull a random seat number out of a hat and give that person an extra treat. I would tell them that today is their lucky day.

If I were an architect: I would build an apartment building and have separate garbage and recycling shoots built into each apartment. Finished with that diet coke? Just open that circular-shaped door in the wall that is labeled "aluminum" and toss the can down the shoot!

If I were a doctor: I would be a gastroenterologist/psychiatrist combo and mainly just listen to people tell their stories of woe. Most of my prescriptions would be telling people to "take a vacation from their problems" (Dr. Leo Marvin, 1991) and for the occasional suppository laxative.

If I were a teacher: I would barely ever give homework other than watching the news/reading the newspaper. I would read out loud to them in the afternoons. Two Fridays a month we would play heads-up-seven-up and eat microwave popcorn!

If I were a mechanic: I would start an oil-changing franchise in the UK or Ireland because people only change their oil once a year over here when they have to get their MOT test. What? Yeah, I don't understand it either.

ANNNYhoo, I can only dream of such things and be grateful for the fact that somehow I make money while sitting in my bed all day long. And I am grateful! It's 3:02pm and I still haven't changed out of my pajamas. How wonderful!



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Being an Adult>Being a Kid


Description of last Saturday night:

Andy and I went and saw Doug Stanhope do some comedy, went to the pub and played on the electronic quiz machine, bought a pizza from a chip shop, then ate it in bed while watching episode after episode of the West Wing.

There seems to be a consensus that childhood is the greatest and you should "enjoy it while you can" and blah blah blah. Well, compare my description of Saturday night with the following generic description of a kid's Saturday night:

Can't invite friends over because a friend spent the night last night. Eats a dinner of his parents' choosing. Watches an hour of TV because that's all that is allowed. Plays outside in the backyard but is forced to come inside and go to bed just as it's getting fun.

Hmmm....I will take the first option any ol' day of the week. Being an adult is wonderful. Nobody ever told me that! I don't have a bedtime, I get to make money and then I get to spend it on what I want, I get to vote in elections and, most importantly, I don't have to do homework!!!!!!!!

Kids do, however, have some things up on adults. For instance, experiencing insane levels of excitement on Christmas morning, not having to pay taxes, fast metabolisms and having all of your essential needs (food, shelter, clothing) provided for. Aside from those four things, life actually gets BETTER as you get older. So, if there are any kids out there reading this (there aren't), don't worry too much about "enjoying childhood while you still can" and don't buy into the propaganda that life is a downhill spiral once you hit 18. Not true!

Hasta la vista,


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Magic Eye

Nǐ hǎo,

Every time I went to the orthodontist I would try to do the Magic Eye that was hanging on the wall in the lobby. After several attempts I finally pretended that I saw the sailboat (word had gotten out by that point) and convinced myself that you either have it or you don't when it comes to doing Magic Eyes. So, I haven't attempted one since...

UNTIL NOW. Dun dun dun.

Here goes nothing...

Nope. Nada. And my eyes hurt now. I gave up and read the answer. It's nothing even close to what I maybe thought I saw (a mermaid on a rock). If you want to know the answer I will post it in a comment.

If you didn't figure it out, make yourself feel better by looking at these nifty optical illusions.

This one's a classic. Young lady looking away? OR, old lady with a witch-like nose?

Andy discovered this one on Lamebook yesterday. The girl looks naked, but it's just her friend's arm! YIKES.

I hear there is a US Celebrity Apprentice going on right now. Sounds like I have some megavideoing to do!



Monday, April 4, 2011


Yo yo ma,

The other day I had the misfortune of viewing three of my idols, Joshua Lyman, Toby Ziegler and President Josiah Bartlett, in a YouTube video of a commercial they shot years after the West Wing ended. I was stunned by Josh's sagging jowls and Toby's sunken cheeks. To be frank, they looked like they had one foot in the grave. They looked over the hill. They looked OLD.

Here- check it out yourself.

Since watching the video the first time I have recovered from my shocked and realized that when the video was shot a significant amount of time had passed since their youthful West Wing days. It's the same as when you see any celebrity years down the road. I remember seeing a video of Judy Garland in her later years and being stunned by her wrinkles and gravelly voice.

Guess who this is?


She's the last person you'd suspect would get old. But she did. We all do. And you know what? I am OK with it. I'm looking forward to aging gracefully like a wise old Japanese woman (better start drinking some green tea) and I can't wait to not give a rat's arse about anything because I've "been everywhere" and "seen it all." Exciting!

I have, however, laid out a few ground rules for my personal aging process. I advise you to follow suit.

1. Moisturize the face frequently
2. Never give up wearing colors and patterned prints
3. Play chess and do crosswords to keep the mind buzzing
4. Avoid wearing "young persons clothes" such as low-rise jeans after the age of 40, but never shop at stores solely aimed at the middle-aged, such as Talbots.
5. Remain open to learning new technologies
6. Never have hair longer than shoulder length after the age of 50
7. Smile as much as possible
8. Exercise, even if it just means swimming because the joints can't take running or walking
9. Travel to warm climates and soak up the vitamin D
10. Dance to tunes from the good ol' days
11. FLOSS and brush the teeth often. Toothaches are THE WORST

Well, I am going to scan the blogs and then hit the hay. Also, I am back on Twitter now. I didn't break from Twitter like Amanda Bynes or Miley Cyrus (both of whom are back on it now), but I simply forgot about it completely. I've been tweeting tonight and enjoying it. Look out for @grassyllama if you know what's good for you.



Saturday, April 2, 2011



It's Sunday. This usually means I will cry about something trivial, become extremely restless, and then sit in my running clothes for about an hour thinking about going for a run. Andy noticed this pattern in my behavior on Sundays and was kind enough to share his observations with me. I think it happens because I am sad about the weekend ending. WELL, today I am going to stop the insanity (a la Susan Powter) and break the trend by BLOGGING my sorrows away. Plus, it's a wonderful sunny day here in E-burgh! We're starting our half-marathon training in a couple hours and I'm actually looking forward to it.

I've been doing some wikipediaing recently. My particular interest has been the world's anomalies, aka FREAKS OF NATURE.

Here's what I've found.

Mammals That Lay Eggs:

The platypus and the echidna are the only mammals on earth that lay eggs. These little freaks look like regular mammals, but when it comes time to have a baby they lay eggs like a HEN! WHAT? Yes, it's true. Then, once their babies hatch, the platypus and echidna suckle their young as if they were one of us. What wonderful, crazy guys! Here's to the platypus and the echidna- they truly broke the mold when they made you.

Foreign Accent Syndrome:

Ever heard of a disease that makes you a racist? Well, foreign accent syndrome infects people with botched accents that make it sound as if you're constantly making fun of another culture. It is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

The Dancing Plague of 1518:

Way back in the day in what was then the Holy Roman Empire, a bunch of people started dancing and just couldn't stop. We've all been there. Just when you're about to call it a night, Kelly Clarkson comes through the speakers and before you know it you're back on your feet, toe-tappin and finger snappin away. Well, these folks got the dance fever real bad. So bad, in fact, that some of them died from it. They would dance for days without stopping and this went on for a month! If Armageddon ever seems imminent, give me a Delorian and take me back to 1518 where I can die doing what I love!

WOW. I have to pee. Why did I put it off for so long? Ultimate laziness. Well, see ya next time!


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