HOWEVER, please don't call me a "runner."
First reason: Running SUCKS. It sucks. It has sucked all along. Running sucks. It's gotten more bearable now that I am "in shape," but only just. Every time I run it's still agony. I don't deserve the title of "runner" because I suspect that real "runners" actually enjoy it. I definitely do not.
Second reason: Runners are small, type-A bald men with the world's whitest thighs. Does that sound like me? I hope not!
First rule of running: pose when you see a cameraman (as seen above).
The alternative is looking TERRIBLE, like you're melting, in every picture.
I actually think I could be a decent runner if it wasn't for the fact that I HATE running. Unfortunately, my brain won't let me forget it.
For example, observe my brain during the "Arden 9" race last Sunday:
00:00:00 I feel great. This is going to be GREAT!
00:00:02 Woah, this instantly feels much harder than it should.
00:00:12 I think I am having a bad run.
00:00:30 This must just be a bad run.
00:00:40 It’s an off day. Sometimes you just have an off day.
00:00:50 All I can do it my best. My legs are so much shorter than most people's.
00:03:00 COME ON! That woman has cellulite and a water bottle belt. At least beat her!
00:24: 00 YES! Water station ahead! An Oasis in the desert!
00:24:10 Take a sip!
00:24:11 Take a sip!
00:24:12 Why is this not working?
00:24:13 It’s splashing everywhere!
00:24:14 I’ll just throw it on my head instead.
00:25:00 I feel refreshed. I feel AMAZING.
00:26:00 Maybe I’ll average 7-minute miles and surprise everyone!
00:30:00 WHY THE HELL DIDN’T I ACTUALLY DRINK THAT WATER?!?
00:40:00 Just quit.
00:45:00 Just quit.
00:50:00 Just quit.
00:55:00 Just quit.
01:00:00 Just quit.
01:13:00 THERE'S THE FINISH! SPRINT! SPRINT TO THE FINISH LINE!
01:13:30 Terrible idea. Stop sprinting immediately.
01:14:00 YES, free granola bar.
So there you have it. My neurotic brain is certainly my biggest downfall. If I could only get past that, I'd be winning races all over the place!