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Monday, May 2, 2016

Clap for these hookers

Leicester City won the English Premier League title!

It's a big deal. Crazier than if the Mariners won the World Series. Imagine the Everett AquaSox winning and you're getting closer.

Yep, those dudes—exhaustedly congratulating each other on a job well done—had a 5000 to 1 chance of winning the league title, and they DID IT.

OK, that's it for today. I need to walk up to Safeway and get something for dinner. Any ideas? Can't do pasta again. Or can I? Maybe I'll just do that.


P.S. Yeesh. The word "exhaustedly" exhausts me.  I'm exhausted now.

P.P.S. By the way, look at the Everett AquaSox logo. Look at that crazy frog. He's so fun. And is the "E" on his hat an upside down version of the retro Mariners' "M"? The whole logo is fun. It's just FUN. Love it! So FUN.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

So THAT'S what soap is for

I was in high school when I first learned that you're supposed to wash your body, not just your hair. Well, junior high. But it was 9th grade, so it counted as high school. Don't get me started.

Anyway, I was simultaneously dumbfounded and horrified of my own ignorance. The worst part was that it made so much sense. Hair isn't the only thing that gets dirty. The body—certain areas in particular—also gets gross and requires cleaning. Wow. How had this not occurred to me before?

I don't know. I knew that you had to take a shower because your hair would look greasy otherwise. But that was as far as I took it. I never extended that line of reasoning to its natural conclusion: if hair needs washing after a while, then certainly too does the anus. Nope. Never dawned on me.

I thought I was alone in this. But my sisters (C & F) and cousin (name retracted) say they had similar epiphanies way too late in life. The cousin thinks it might have been college for her.

Now, I know you have questions. I've provided my answers below.

What did you think that bar of soap in the shower was for?
A nice treat if you wanted your arms to smell good. A luxury item. Akin to a tub of mango body butter from Bath & Body Works.

Didn't you stink?
I don't think I stunk that bad. I wore deodorant. The shampoo from my hair and the water from the shower probably helped keep the situation manageable. But there's no telling if the sudsy water found its way into the key crevasses. I doubt it.

Why are you sharing this in such a public forum?
If I can raise awareness and change even one person's life by sharing my story, then I feel it's my duty to do so. Also, for attention.


Saturday, April 30, 2016

You mean this ol' thing?

BAAAAAAACK! And I said "tap-tap" so get out of my seat.

Becky with the good hair.

'Here's what I've been up to since those two video blogs exhausted me into hibernation six months ago.
  • Taking lunchtime baths
  • Accusing Andy of being a bad driver
  • Getting accused by Andy of being a bad driver
  • Jumping in the Puget Sound
  • Doing high-kicks during evening walks around the neighborhood
  • Googling "Brazilian Butt Lift Celebrities." I even started a blog post about it that I never finished...see below.

I Can't Stop Googling Brazilian Butt Lifts

Yep. Of all the controversial topics to bring me out of retirement, this is it. Trust me, I'm as not surprised as you are.

The other day, whilst browsing the 'Bravo Real Housewives' subreddit, I came across a post discussing whether any of 'the wives' might have had a Brazilian Butt Lift procedure.

Now, I've heard of Brazilian Butt Lifts before, and in the back of my mind I've always known that the Kardashian-inspired, bubble booty trend of the 2010s must involve plastic surgery, but I've never truly confronted the reality of the Brazilian Butt Lift until now.

After scrolling through various Google image searches and many horrendous post-op photographs, I'm equal parts disgusted and amazed. I find these augmented butts both hideous and beautiful. The idea of people carving bits of fat out of their arms in order to sculpt and adhere an oversized cartoon bottom onto their actual bottom is FASCINATING. In a way, it's art.

Butt Lifts are also proof that being stick thin is not cool anymore. Scrawny butts are so two thousand and eight. These days, it's all about the waist trainers and butts made of repurposed skin. Perhaps these celebs are onto something. Perhaps it's time we all "upcycle" our muffin tops

  • Eating fake sausage mixed with roasted vegetables mixed with rice pilaf
  • Using napkins as toilet paper (with plans to buy toilet paper soon)
  • Keeping my ingrown toenail at bay
  • Wearing shorts
  • Wearing Kylie-inspired lipstick
  • Working 

In other news, RHONY is back. Jo Jo is coming to Bumbershoot. The Mariners' CEO quit. The viaduct is closed for two weeks. The sun is out. I ordered more essential oils for the diffuser. Nobody can shut up about Donald Trump. My sister had a baby named Harry. I cleaned my water bottle. Andy discovered JCrew and puts the emphasis on the J ("How come you never told me about JAY-crew before?"). Rob Kardashian lost 50 pounds. Summer is just around the corner.

Back in a bit, 


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