Sweet escape

I never really understood the appeal of soap operas. Sure, I went through a 'Passions' phase in the early 2000s (who didn't), but for the most part I just didn't get why such terribly-acted, overdramatic, unrealistic shows were so popular

Then tonight, as I was sitting on the couch watching The Bachelorette finale, hosted by the melting beeswax candle that is Chris Harrison, it dawned on me: reality TV is this generation's soap operas. The Bachelorette is a soap opera. It's essentially the same as General Hospital or Days of Our Lives—only better because actual emotions and reputations are at stake! Now I get it. Whether it's scripted upfront or heavily manipulated through editing, these genres offer us the same precious gift: dramatic narrative.

Nobody was ever watching soaps because they're good. They watched them because they're incredibly basic. They follow a formula. They're easy to consume and easy to forget. They're shallow and surface-level whist pretending to be deep. It's the fakeness we love. It's pantomime. It's a break from the mundanity of our daily lives. It's an escape.





All this led me to another sudden epiphany: reality TV is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, inventions of the past twenty years. What? Is that overboard? OK, at least admit that it's a defining invention of our era. I seriously can't believe it didn't used to exist. We are so lucky to be living in a time where aspiring actors sacrifice their dreams and dignity for the sake of our entertainment.

Unfortunately that's all I can write tonight. The Bachelorette lasted about four hours and it's now just three minutes to midnight. I need to get in bed and rub my Digiorno-filled belly (they were out of Freschettas -- boourns).

Best,

Marge

Rain dance

It rained today. Not just drizzle. RAIN. The first rain Seattle's had in a long, long while.
People walked out of their houses to stand it in. Strangers on the street stopped to talk about it. It made the pavement smell like hot, wet dust.

It was GLORIOUS.

My mom and I went to a movie AND drank venti peppermint teas during it. That's a rainy day activity if I've ever heard one. We saw 'Inside Out' because of the great reviews. It was cute and clever. But let's be honest, it is still for children. We got a bit antsy.

Anyway, is anybody still watching UnREAL? Because I am. And things are really heating up (or "hotting up" if you're British). Something that I enjoy about the show is how tired and rundown they make the main girl look. She lives on set and pretty much never sleeps, so of course she's not going to look her best. It's refreshing to see this reflected in the (lack of) hair style/makeup.

Can that really be tonight's post? That's it? The weather and then a few sentences on a reality TV show almost nobody watches? Yep! It's Friday. I'm giving myself the rest of the night off.

Cheers,
Margaret

Bye Bye Brandi

You're probably still reeling from the news.

Brandi Glanville—ex to Eddie Cibrian, enemy of Leann Rimes, enabler of Kim Richards, bestie of Kristen Taekman, mother of the late chihuahua Chica—has been FIRED from RHOBH!

That begs the question, who will be next season's villain? Also, you heard it here first, Brandi will be back on the show in a couple of years. She'll show her softer side on some other reality shows, then return to RHOBH a new woman. Mark. My. Words.

Whether you'll mourn or celebrate her absence, keep in mind that to everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven. Cue the music!





Speaking of saying goodbye...

...a friend from college once dated a guy who broke up with her after three months by saying, very sincerely, "I'm going to have to let you go." What a line!

...Brian Williams (the LIAR) is (of course) not returning to NBC Nightly News.

....Blanket Jackson changed his name to Bigi because for some reason he wasn't keen on Blanket.

...Alexander Hamilton may soon be off the $10 bill and replaced with a WOMAN. Fingers crossed it's Judy Garland.

...After his performance in Tacoma today, professional philanderer Tiger Woods may soon be saying farewell to his golf career.

Gute Nacht,

Margaret

P.S. For the record, I'll miss Brandi.

Can we talk about UnREAL?

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The Bachelorette — SHIZE, I'm watching it

Let's just pause for a second to remember these facts:

• Benicio Del Toro has a baby with Kimberly Stewart (Rod Stewart's daughter / Paris Hilton's bff).

• Hally Berry once did a hit and run.

• Angelina Jolie kissed her brother on the lips on a red carpet and wore a vial of Billy Bob's blood around her neck.  

•  Oprah's real name is Orpah.

• When Sean Penn was married to Madonna, he hit her over the head with a baseball bat. 

• Jerry Springer was once the Mayor of Cincinnati.

Moving on...

I wasn't planning on watching The Bachelorette. It's been years since I partook in Chris Harrison's little matchmaking scheme, and I wasn't ready to jump back into the rose ceremonies, the teary confessionals, the steamy overnight dates, the skeptical father-in-laws-to-be...SIGH.

But then I heard some baristas at Starbucks talking about it. And my sistahs were planning a viewing party tonight. I didn't want to be the only girl in Kenmore who wasn't in the loop. Plus, Mad Men's over, Mindy Project's cancelled...

So, I'm WATCHING IT!

And I'm living for this drunk guy who they clearly paid to be obnoxious on night one. It happens every season. Oh boy, I think I might be enjoying this (she thinks, as she pops another bite-sized Reese's peanut butter cup in her mouth).

So long,
Margaret

P.S. "Partook"?

Reunited with the love of my life

One upside of coming back from vacation is getting to catch up on all the shows you missed while you were away. There's a whole heap of them ready and waiting to entertain me! Real Housewives of Atlanta finale, Mad Men, Better Call Saul, The Americans...the list goes on.

Actually, I almost forgot to blog. It doesn't happen often, but tonight I came close to failing my Year-28 challenge.

The whole day I've been looking forward to getting under the covers and putting in some serious TV time. Madgespace was far from my mind. I was watching Episode 2 of Season 2 of Silicon Valley when I thought, "CRAP! I still need to blog!"

Cuddling with my best friend.

Reasons why I love TV

• Watching TV is one of the few times I truly relax.

• It's tradition to pair TV with a delicious snack, such as pretzels + string cheese or tea + cookie.

• TV these days is GOOD. Did you ever watch Boardwalk Empire? Every episode is like a big budget film. 

• Each show has a Subreddit dedicated to it, providing hours of additional entertainment in the form of crazy theories, behind-the-scenes gossip and fan art. This is particularly good for "deep" shows like Mad Men, where fans explain the more complex themes of each episode that would otherwise go right over my head. That said, I spend most of my time on /r/BravoRealHousewives and /r/rupaulsdragrace.

• Watching movies takes too long. Attention spans aren't what they used to be. 

• It's PASSIVE. Zero effort required. 

Gotta go. Lots to watch before my eyelids decide to quit for the day.

Nighty,

Margaret

Shirt labels these days...

Something's up with them.

My mom says they never used to be so fat and so long. Also, there didn't used to be so many.

"Now there's like five on every shirt," she says.

Anna has a sheer blouse with a giant label that's visible through the fabric. She fears cutting it would make the situation worse.

Francie agrees. "You could cut it, but the nubbin might look even weirder."

"And sometimes the nubbin itches more than the full label," my mom says. She reiterates to us that big labels are a new thing. "It didn't used to be like this!"

Maybe gratuitous shirt labels are due to new regulations? Must all retailers, by law, disclose a laundry list (n.p.i.) of washing instructions?

No, that can't be.

"What about label-less t-shirts?" Anna says. "That's also a thing now. So, it can't be due to any sort of law."

Image by jdbradway via Flickr

Whatever the reason, we all agree it needs to stop.


Yours,

Margaret

P.S. Kim Richards of RHOBH was arrested for being drunk/disorderly/kicking a cop. It was only a matter of time. Let's hope this will be a catalyst for her getting the help she needs! Of course, we're all wondering, what does Brandi think? Where was Brandi during all this? Did she call Brandi? Will Brandi defend her? Et cetera, et cetera.

I could do that!

Do you ever have the moments when you think, "Wait a second. I could do that!"

It happens when products, services or people don't warrant their success. Or when they don't quite cut the mustard.

And I'm not talking about things like the Kardashians. You can argue about whether they deserve to be famous, but you can't argue "Hey, I could do that!" You couldn't do that. Why not? Well, you're not a set of attractive, Armenian-American siblings who grew up in Beverly Hills, whose dad was O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer and whose stepdad is a two-time gold-medal-winning Olympian. You also aren't willing to do the nasty with Brandy's brother and film it.

You might not rate the Kardashians, but you couldn't replace them. The only people who are qualified to be the Kardashians are the Kardashians.

What I'm talking about is when you genuinely could do a better job than the person doing it or create a superior product than what's out there.

Here's a handful of "I could do that" epiphanies I've had recently and in the past:

• Write jokes for the Oscars. I wouldn't be the best, but I'd be better than whoever put together that briefcase bit for NPH. 

• Produce a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap podcast. Yes, I listen to one. And no, it's not good. Char and I could record our Wednesday phone conversations and it would be way better.

• Write a Black Eyed Peas song. When the bar is set at listing the days of the week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday...), it would be hard not to improve upon their recent work. 

• Manage a concessions stand at British sporting events. You know what the food and beverage options are available at an English Premier League match? Meat pie and beer. That's it. As an American, I'm automatically qualified to introduce our friends across the pond to the concept of choices. 

• Create a delicious dip for chips (crisps) to sell in supermarkets everywhere. I can't take full credit for this one. It's a family recipe, and my aunt Peg Pad Pad is the best at making it. But let me tell you, Padden Family Cream Cheese Dip is the stuff of legends. Secret ingredient? Pickle juice. Sounds gross, but actually tastes delicious. If you thought Tostitos Salsa Con Queso (cheese dip) had the dip market sealed up, you thought wrong. 

• Write pedicure advertisements displayed in men's restrooms at the airport. OK, this one might seem hyper specific, but just LOOK at the advert Andy snapped a photo of in Edinburgh airport last weekend:

Did you catch that? 

It says: "Pedicures and manicures offer the most effective means of stopping feet looking tramp-like."

TRAMP-LIKE.

Dear airport pedicurists, hire me! My rates are competitive and I can think of at least seven alternatives to "tramp-like". Stanky, for example. You can have that one for free. 

Anyway, where was I? Why did I find myself defending the Kardashians for the millionth time? I promise, I'm not even a huge Kardashian fan. They just happen to come up in discussions a lot.

Probably best to wrap things up now. 

Let me know situations when you've thought "I could do that!"

Cheers,
Margaret

P.S. I'll admit it. This post is a bit tramp-like. 

Last night's dinner conversation

Tonight I'm very tired and, as Yolanda Foster would say, "I have lost the ability to read, write, or even watch TV."

OK, fine, I can still watch TV. And yes, I suppose it's mean to poke fun at Yo's so-called "Chronic Lyme Disease", but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't skeptical. Lots of docs say there's no such disease. Plus, have you seen that gal's supplement regime? She needs to get that in check. On this week's episode of RHOBH she was gulping down vitamins by the handful. You know how I feel about bogus health stuff.

Anyway.

Since I don't have much to say this evening, I'll share a conversation I had with Andy yesterday while we made falafels.

---

Last night's dinner conversation

Andy: "You know what's an extremely underrated fact?"

Me: "What?"

Andy: "There was once a president who was in a wheelchair.........and he kept it a SECRET."

Me: "Yes, that, and his wife was a lesbian."

Andy: "And she was his cousin."

Me: "She was?"

Andy: "Yeah, she didn't have to change her name when they got married. It was already Roosevelt."

One of three known photos of FDR in a wheelchair.
Image via Wikimedia Commons

---

Just ate so many raviolis I reckon I'll explode.

Love,
Margaret

Answers to your burning questions

When does the next season of Drag Race start?

Terrible news. Despite RuPaul confirming a January air-date back in November, the network now says Season 7 won't air until "the spring". What!? Let's hope this is some sort of tragic mistake.

What's Carson Daly up to these days? 

Wow, looks like he's still doing that show Last Call with Carson Daly.

How much money do famous YouTubers make? 

So much! Millions! Especially considering how annoying most of them are. According to Forbes, Swedish vlogger 'PewDiePie' makes around $4 million a year. Holy moly, I think it's time I switched to the spoken word. I'd have to get rid of this vocal fry, but where there's a will, there's a way.

What was World War I all about? 

It was kicked off by the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne. That was the spark. It just so happened that Europe was super flammable at the time. The rise of Germany had upset the power balance and destabilised what was, up until then, about a hundred-year period of stability in Europe.

So, when Serbian nationalists shot Franz Ferdinand, Austria-Hungary mobilised for war against Serbia. But then Russia stepped in and said, "Hey! Don't bully Serbia, they are our buddies." But then Germany got involved and was like "Wait a second, Russia. Austria-Hungary has the right to be mad at Serbia."

Before you know it, Germany declares war on Russia and France. Germany tries to march through Belgium, so Britain gets involved (Britain and Belgium were mates. Countries that start with the letter 'B' have to stick together). What about Italy? At first they sided with Germany, but they changed their minds halfway through and switched to Team Britain/France/Russia.

In the end, Germany lost. They had to massively downsize and promise to never start a war again. And they never did.

Fin.

Who's doing the Super Bowl halftime show this year? 

Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz. What a bizarre pairing!

How do you get chewing gum out of your hair? 

Smother it in peanut butter and gradually massage it out of your hair. If that doesn't work, cut it! Bowl cuts are in right now. 

What's the best Real Housewives franchise? 

Beverly Hills.

It's a tough call, but Beverly Hills wins for featuring the richest, yet somehow most likeable, housewives. In other cities, their problems are more 'real' (husbands going to prison, houses foreclosing, massive family feuds, assault charges), but since those are actual, real-life problems, they hide it all during filming and make up their own drama for the show. In Beverly Hills, however, they don't have any 'real' problems, so their ridiculous, petty drama is real.

Does that make sense? Also, since they don't really have any serious problems simmering under the surface, you can watch it without having to feel sad for them.

What should you make for dinner? 

Easy. Homemade pizza. It's not as hard as it sounds. The dough is just flour, yeast, olive oil and a dash of salt. The sauce is just canned tomatoes or fresh ones chopped up and cooked with olive oil. The toppings are whatever you have in the veggie drawer, plus mozzarella cheese.

Who is Rita Ora and why is she famous? 

 She's a singer from the UK (although originally from Kosovo). I used to refer to her as 'British Rihanna'. One of her biggest hits was 'How we do'. She also sings on the Iggy Azalea track 'Black Widow'. Back in the day Rob Kardashian claimed he once got her pregnant, but she denied it. Now she's a judge on The Voice UK. 

This is Rita Ora.
Image by Neon Tommy via Wikimedia Commons.

Why does the moon only affect the tides but nothing else? 

 This question was posed by Andy, and it's far more difficult to answer than the other questions on this list. But here goes nothing.

The gravitational pull of the moon does affect everything, but the effect is tiny. So tiny that it's immeasurable. It's just because the oceans are so massive that we can perceive and measure tides. Oceans are ginormous, but still the moon only causes them to move a few metres. And even though the water level only changes by a few metres, it can seem like more because of the topography of the ocean floor. 

Hopefully I covered them all, but let me know if I missed any of your burning questions and I will endeavour to answer them at my earliest convenience. 

Thank you,
Margaret Kay

Birdman review

It's really great! Compelling performances. Fast paced. Lots of deep thoughts when you leave the cinema. Yeah, it's great. I think I know what happened in the end, but I also think maybe I don't. Or, you know what, I actually think the point is that you're not supposed to really know what happened. Or that there's no real way of knowing.

See what I mean about the deep thoughts?

Birdman.
Image by Herb Roe via Wikimedia Commons

Wow. Somehow this Saturday just flew by.

8:30am -- Wake up. Holler at Andy to "Do me a favour and come in here and open up the curtains for me." Gotta get that natural light in the morning. 

10:30am -- Emerge into blizzard conditions (by Edinburgh standards) to watch a breakdown assistance man jump-start Andy's car battery.

11:00am -- Walk back to our flat from the auto garage where Andy dropped his car off. 

11:30am -- Read up on the latest MH370 conspiracy theories. Read up on the latest Serial conspiracy theories. 

2:00pm -- Buy tickets for Birdman online. Fill up hot water bottle to take with me to the cinema. 

2:30pm -- Walk to cinema, by way of the supermarket to stock up on snacks (cheddar ploughmans sandwich for me, ham and cheese sandwich for Andy, three cheese twists to share, bottle of diet coke to share, one pack of Frutella to share, gum to share). 

3:20pm -- Watch Birdman, with the hot water bottle on my lap the whole time. Best decision. 

5:45pm -- Leave cinema and start walking to Char's

6:30pm -- Hang out with Freddie, Elsie, Andy, Char, William and Anthony. Eat pizza. Watch 'Take Me Out'. Watch 'Take Me Out: The Gossip'. Watch 'Celebrity Big Brother'.

10:45pm -- Walk home with Andy. 


See how time flies? It's now 11:27pm and I don't have time for a proper blog. As you may have noticed, I just listed my day's movements instead. However, earlier today, predicting that I might not have much time to write tonight, I made a short video for your viewing pleasure.


Back tomorrow,
Margaret

What's more fried: my brain or my Swedish style balls? Oh snap!

Workin' 9 to 5

Proof that my brain isn't used to the eight-hour workday:

Just got home. Spotted dirty soup pan on stove. Turned faucet on so I could fill it with soapy water. Looked out for the window for a second. Looked back at the sink, saw the faucet running and thought: CRAP! Has that faucet been running since morning!??! 

Yes, in the two seconds I spent looking out the window, I had forgotten that I turned the faucet on. I panicked, thinking about how much water I must have wasted leaving the tap on all day. I looked around the flat guiltily, just to make sure the police weren't hiding in the corner, waiting to arrest me.

I sat on the couch and bowed my head in shame. And then I remembered turning it on. And then I opened the computer and clicked 'new post' on Madgespace because I knew this story would be blogging gold. #SlaveToMyReaders

Swedish style balls

In other news, I am ecstatic because Andy and I are having pesto pasta with meatless meatballs (remember what happened last time?) for dinner. Actually, their official name is 'Swedish style balls'. Eww. Who signed off on that? But what's in a name, I suppose, because they're de-bloody-licious.

Celebrity jungle

The reality show 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' (still the worst name ever; Andy and I call it 'Celebrity Jungle' instead) has started back up in the UK. It's THE BEST. You may remember the short-lived American version from a while back, but just like yoghurt, hummus, debit cards and nothing else, the UK version is waaaay better.

The premise: Throw a bunch of C-list/D-list celebrities into the brutal Australian jungle for three weeks and make them eat nothing but oats. Let the viewers at home vote for who they want to see do the food-earning challenge in next week's show. Make the celeb with the most votes do something horrific, like lie in a coffin that slowly fills with water and 40 snakes. If the celeb does it, give them a food prize that actually isn't very good at all, like a measly portion of dingo meat, or something.

The reason it's good: The show is actually pretty hardcore. Celebs are put through hell, and they're STARVING. That's why only really desperate ones who need the money do the show. Alfonso Ribeiro was on it last year. A couple seasons ago a guy got repeatedly bitten by a snake doing a challenge. It's brutal. Also, the hosts of the show—Ant and Dec—are just the most lovable guys.

With Celeb Jungle, Real Housewives of Atlanta and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (premieres tomorrow) all back on the telly box, well, I'm just a pig in mud.

What TV shows are you watching? Let me know in the comments!

(That's what they call a "call to action" in the copywriting biz)

Love,
Margaret

Troop Beverly Pizza / Best of Michael Kors

It's Diva Night at my flat, and we're ordering pizza! I keep singing 'Cookie Time' from Troop Beverly Hills to myself, but instead of saying 'cookie time', I'm saying 'PIZZA TIME'!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA




Oh man, Troop Beverly Hills is such a fantastic flick.

Reminds me, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is starting back up next week! I'm a bit worried that all their storylines have been played out, but you can always count on Brandi to bring the drama, and did you see that Kim's dog (speaking of played out storylines) bit Kyle's daughter? She had to get surgery and stay overnight at the hospital. I hope to dear god they were filming at the time, but I have a hunch that filming had wrapped already. Still, we'll hear about it at the reunion fo sho.

It's been a busy day of writing, and I have bit of a headache lingering around the ol' left eye (that's why they call me Grassy 'Left Eye' Llama), so I'm going to have to leave it at that.

As Dr. Laura would say: "Now, go take on the day!"

Love,
Margaret
__________________________________________________________________

OK, Diva Night is over now and gosh darn it if I don't feel a bit guilty about writing such a short post earlier. I'm going to make up for it by writing a bit more down here below my sign-off.

Three things:

1. The pizza was a hit!

2. We Googled 'Best of  Michael Kors Project Runway' and the video we found really delivered. Watch it and LOL until the cows come home.



3. I've been terrified to use my migraine medicine, because it's serious stuff and has tons of potential side effects. But tonight, when I felt the classic Friday night headache festering behind my left eye, I decided to bite the bullet at swallow the pill. Guess what? My headache went away. AND I'm still alive. Turns out, medicine works. I'm thrilled!

Goodbye again,

Margie

America's Next Top Insane Asylum

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday, I had nothing to write. Big time writer's block. I begged Andy for ideas. He told me to stop whining and hurry up so we could watch TV together. I finally farted out something about how 'Wolf of Wall Street' was overrated and clicked 'publish'. It wasn't my best work.

But today, it's like I've been hit on the head with a frying pan of inspiration. Who do I have to thank? The one and only Tyra 'you call this fat' Banks. I've been catching up on cycle 21 of 'America's Next Top Model' today and, as always, it's as entertaining as it is unsettling. I'm going to do my best to put the show's bizarre vibe into words.

Now, for those of you thinking "America's Next Top Model? That's still on?" — yes, yes it is. I know people who still watch Survivor (season 29) and Grey's Anatomy (season 11), so reserve your judgement for them.

She's a maniac. Photo by Rita Molnár via Wikimedia Commons.

ANTM makes me question everything I thought I knew about life, the universe and my fellow man

The host — Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the show's weirdness all spawns from her. She's just crazy. Examples:

• The house that the models stay in is covered in life-size photos of Tyra, and only Tyra. It's been that way since season cycle one. 
• She wears INSANE clothes to the judge's panel. Like, crop-top football jerseys with an A-line skirt and thigh-high gladiator boots. I dare to think of what Nina Garcia would say. 
• She always finds a way to work herself into the storyline, whether it's jumping in the photos with the models, doing their make-up, being the photographer or surprising them at the house for a late night feelings talk. 
• You've heard of "smizing" (smiling with your eyes), but what about booty tooching, pot ledom or H2T? Oh yes, Trya has an entire dictionary of made-up terminology for various modelling techniques.

The judges — This season, "Ms. Jay" has decided to dress as a court judge through the years. Each week he wears a slightly different judge's costume from a particular era in history. Makes sense, doesn't it? NO. Of course it doesn't. This is just one tiny example of how the show embraces bizarre tangents (that don't at all relate to the storyline) with open arms. There's also Kelly Cutrone who, desperate to be the Simon Cowell of ANTM, manages to be remain completely void of charisma at all times.

The photo shoots — Tyra is always yelling at the contestants to be more "high fashion." And yet, the photo shoots tend to resemble a 4th grade Halloween party. There was the time the girls had to dress up as famous celebrity couples, the infamous 'bi-racial beauties' shoot, and, oh yeah, the romance novel book covers they did with Fabio. Nothing says couture quite like Fabio.

The guest stars — Last week the big guest star was...drumroll please...NICK CANNON!!!! When Mariah's ex entered the room, the models jumped up and down, screamed, and generally lost their shize. It was as if Oprah, the Pope and Suri Cruise were performing Cirque du Soleil in front of their very eyes. Am I the one who's out of touch here, or is Nick Cannon a pretty C-list guest star? See what I mean about how the show makes you question yourself to the very core?

The product placements — I am all for product placements. Like ugly wallpaper in a rented flat, I actually grow to love them over time. But this season she's taken things too far. The show is being sponsored by one of those DNA-by-mail companies! You know, the ones where you spit into a test tube, put it in the mailbox, and three weeks later you find out that your ancestors were Turkmenistani. If you're thinking that sounds like a difficult product to seamlessly promote on a fashion reality show, then you'd be right!

The contestants — On the surface, they may seem like the most normal part of the show. Wide-eyed youngsters suddenly thrown into a world of beard weaves and human-sized salad bowls. But pretty soon, they show their true colours. The contestants are SO annoying. I often wonder, "was I like that when I was 23?" And no, I don't think I was. That was only five years ago. Could I have possibly been that immature and obnoxious? Maybe, actually.

Oh god. Did I really just spend the afternoon dissecting the inner-workings of America's Next Top Model? I'm afraid so. And in my quest for answers, I really just got more questions. Damn you, Tyra.

Bye for now,
Margaret

Day of reckoning

**UPDATED**

Three people learned their fate today: Teresa Giudice, Joe Giudice and Andy Williamson.

The crimes

The Giudices, of Real Housewives of New Jersey fame, went to court this morning to be sentenced for mortgage fraud, bankruptcy fraud and a load of other fraud. Basically, for about 10 years, they just really loved fraud. Delicious, mini-mansion-buying, velour-sweatsuit-wearing, escalade-driving fraud.

Andy, of Margaret's boyfriend fame, received a letter from the Edinburgh Parking Appeals Service, revealing whether or not he would need to attend court to contest a parking ticket. He got the ticket for, in his words, "parking on some lines." Except, and here's the twist, he's innocent!

The verdicts

Let's start with New Jersey's royal couple.

News has just broke that builder/restaurant owner Joe Giudice was sentenced to 3.5 years in prison. The judge handed down a 41-month sentence out of a possible 46.

As for Teresa, housewife and owner of the world's smallest forehead, she got 15 months.

The judge says the two won't carry out their sentences at the same time (for their kids' sake).

Although I'm typically in favour of anything that makes my reality TV shows juicier, I must say this news saddens me. It's not that they don't deserve punishment (although whether prison is the answer is definitely debatable), but it sucks that their four daughters will have to spend a big chunk of their childhood without one of their parents.

Anyway, best not to dwell on that. Let's move on to Andy.

Today, Andrew Edward Graham Williamson was sentenced to ZERO appearances in traffic court, because his appeal was ACCEPTED by the Edinburgh Parking Appeals Service.

Bureaucracy triumphs yet again!

Ram with his good news.

The lessons

Let these people be a lesson to us all.

If you ever get the option to appeal something, do it! It really gets my goat that the city council actually reduces the fine if you pay the ticket quickly. They're incentivising you to not go through the judicial process! What turds.

Oh and also, if you can help it, try not to do fraud.

Good morrow,

Smadge

Takin care of BIZ-NASS!

I remember, a while back, my sister Char telling me about the highly productive morning she was having. So productive, she told me, that without really realising it, she had been humming "Taking Care of Business" by Bachman–Turner Overdrive to herself the whole morning. Isn't the human mind a glorious thing?

Well, speaking of productivity, I was on FIRE this morning! Writing dope copy, making a dentist appointment like a seasoned adult and replying to emails so fast it would make your bloody head spin, mate.

This is what showed up for 'business woman' when I creative commons searched Google Images. But wait, is she wearing Laga Gaga horse hoof shoes? 

Being efficient just feels so good. So why can I be like that every day? Or even most days? For every day like today, I spend at least three eating mealy apples with peanut butter and scouring the Internet for any reality show I can get my hands on (if you've ever found yourself in the midst of a 'Princesses Long Island' marathon, then you'll know what I mean).

Side note about 'Princesses Long Island'. Did no one think for a second that maybe, just maybe they should add an "of" in the name? 'Princesses of Long Island? Wouldn't that have made a bit more sense?

Anyhoo. As all us biz-nass women do, I even scheduled in a bit of socialising! I walked down to Newhaven (a part of Edinburgh down by the shore) and met up with my friend Gemma for some grub. As I was walking, I realised what my dream job would be: writer for a funny TV show. I think my forte would be coming up with characters who remind the audience of people they've met in real life.

What's your dream job? And don't say "ice cream taste tester", because people always say that.

Email my heart,
Margaret

P.S. I don't normally share stuff that everybody's already talking about. But just in case you haven't yet, watch the cutest video ever (and just so you know, he's saying "sprinkling").

 

P.P.S. Don't think I'm an idiot who doesn't know how to punctuate around quotations. Most of the time in British English, you're not supposed to put the comma inside the quotation mark unless you're writing an entire, complete quote. I've gotten suckered into doing it that way and, dare I say it, I actually agree with the Red Coats on this one.

My thoughts on Top Chef: Duels

Oh look, Top Chef's on! Yay!

Wait a second...

Something's not right.

Top Chef Duels?

What in basil-infused mascarpone semifreddo hell? It's a GOD DAMN SPINOFF. Oh heck no.

HECK no.

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Brief pause

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Ahem.

OK, that was my initial reaction to Bravo's Top Chef spinoff show 'Top Chef: Duels'.

I don't usually like reality show spinoffs. They feature the B team of judges, the prizes aren't as good and nothing's very well thought out. They're meant to tide you over until the actual show starts back up again, but what they actually do is make you miss it even more. They always feel like a watered down knock-off.

Prime example: that absolute embarrassment 'Project Accessory'. Watching it made me long for the day I squirted glowstick fluid in my eye (true story - it was an accident - Poison Control was consulted).

However, you may have noticed that I like to begin my blog posts by making you think I'm headed in a certain direction, and then do a complete 180! HA. So clever.

The truth is, I actually LIKE 'Top Chef:Duels'!!!

Don't get me wrong, it's not quite as good as normal Top Chef. But it's pretty dern entertaining! I'm not totally offended by Aussie chef Curtis Stone filling in for Tom Colicchio as head judge. And the show's format—chef 1 sets a challenge, chef 2 sets a challenge, judges set a challenge—keeps things moving along at a nice pace.

The best part of the show, though, is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. It actually feels pretty loose, or dare I say, saucy, from time to time. Everyone seems to get that it's just a fake show (it's not the real Top Chef), so they all let their hair down a bit more.

Take the most recent episode. The judges and the guests were sitting around between dishes chatting and the lovely Gail Simmons happened to quote Justin Bieber. And earlier in the season Wolfgang Puck made some comment about how Gail only gains weight in her "chest". BAH!

These might seem like small things, but if you watch enough reality TV, you know how even slightly different editing styles can create a totally different vibe. I suspect 'Top Chef: Duels' has a more laid back production crew than the normal show. Leaving random clips in, like the Gail and Wolfgang one-liners, spices things up a bit.

That's all for now.

Cheers,
Margaret

RHOBH is BACK!

If you listened to my first podcast, then you know that I have good taste in TV. OK, so I don't 'get' the Homeland praise, but I'm right there with the rest of the world in loving Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire and all those other HBO/Showtime greats.

Clearly, my TV palate is refined enough to enjoy those wonderfully scripted, brilliantly acted shows - so why is it that I enjoy the Real Housewives franchise just as much (if not a bit more)?

Image via Realitytea.com

I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I genuinely love it. It's not a guilty pleasure. I am not watching it ironically. Honestly, nothing beats sitting up in bed with a mug of tea, a toasted bagel, and the latest installment of RHOBH.

My theory is that reality TV actually really helps me switch off my manic brain. When you stare at a computer all day pretending and then eventually convincing yourself that the work you're doing matters, it's hard to stop caring at the stroke of 5:10 (yes, my job bizarrely ends at 5:10). But the Real Housewives, their odd lives and (probably fake) drama is like a vacation for my brain. I don't get that from more 'serious' shows, like The Wire or Mad Men. Those shows are great, but their characters' lives stress me out. Not true of RHOBH, RuPaul's Drag Race and Geordie Shore.

Season 3 airs TONIGHT, which means I'll be able to watch it tomorrow (time difference). Cannae wait.

Do you watch any Housewives? Which ones? I watch New York, Beverly Hills and occasionally Orange County. I also watched Washington D.C. for the one season it was on.

Cheers,
Margaret