America's Next Top Insane Asylum

What a difference a day makes. Yesterday, I had nothing to write. Big time writer's block. I begged Andy for ideas. He told me to stop whining and hurry up so we could watch TV together. I finally farted out something about how 'Wolf of Wall Street' was overrated and clicked 'publish'. It wasn't my best work.

But today, it's like I've been hit on the head with a frying pan of inspiration. Who do I have to thank? The one and only Tyra 'you call this fat' Banks. I've been catching up on cycle 21 of 'America's Next Top Model' today and, as always, it's as entertaining as it is unsettling. I'm going to do my best to put the show's bizarre vibe into words.

Now, for those of you thinking "America's Next Top Model? That's still on?" — yes, yes it is. I know people who still watch Survivor (season 29) and Grey's Anatomy (season 11), so reserve your judgement for them.

She's a maniac. Photo by Rita Molnár via Wikimedia Commons.

ANTM makes me question everything I thought I knew about life, the universe and my fellow man

The host — Tyra, Tyra, Tyra. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the show's weirdness all spawns from her. She's just crazy. Examples:

• The house that the models stay in is covered in life-size photos of Tyra, and only Tyra. It's been that way since season cycle one. 
• She wears INSANE clothes to the judge's panel. Like, crop-top football jerseys with an A-line skirt and thigh-high gladiator boots. I dare to think of what Nina Garcia would say. 
• She always finds a way to work herself into the storyline, whether it's jumping in the photos with the models, doing their make-up, being the photographer or surprising them at the house for a late night feelings talk. 
• You've heard of "smizing" (smiling with your eyes), but what about booty tooching, pot ledom or H2T? Oh yes, Trya has an entire dictionary of made-up terminology for various modelling techniques.

The judges — This season, "Ms. Jay" has decided to dress as a court judge through the years. Each week he wears a slightly different judge's costume from a particular era in history. Makes sense, doesn't it? NO. Of course it doesn't. This is just one tiny example of how the show embraces bizarre tangents (that don't at all relate to the storyline) with open arms. There's also Kelly Cutrone who, desperate to be the Simon Cowell of ANTM, manages to be remain completely void of charisma at all times.

The photo shoots — Tyra is always yelling at the contestants to be more "high fashion." And yet, the photo shoots tend to resemble a 4th grade Halloween party. There was the time the girls had to dress up as famous celebrity couples, the infamous 'bi-racial beauties' shoot, and, oh yeah, the romance novel book covers they did with Fabio. Nothing says couture quite like Fabio.

The guest stars — Last week the big guest star was...drumroll please...NICK CANNON!!!! When Mariah's ex entered the room, the models jumped up and down, screamed, and generally lost their shize. It was as if Oprah, the Pope and Suri Cruise were performing Cirque du Soleil in front of their very eyes. Am I the one who's out of touch here, or is Nick Cannon a pretty C-list guest star? See what I mean about how the show makes you question yourself to the very core?

The product placements — I am all for product placements. Like ugly wallpaper in a rented flat, I actually grow to love them over time. But this season she's taken things too far. The show is being sponsored by one of those DNA-by-mail companies! You know, the ones where you spit into a test tube, put it in the mailbox, and three weeks later you find out that your ancestors were Turkmenistani. If you're thinking that sounds like a difficult product to seamlessly promote on a fashion reality show, then you'd be right!

The contestants — On the surface, they may seem like the most normal part of the show. Wide-eyed youngsters suddenly thrown into a world of beard weaves and human-sized salad bowls. But pretty soon, they show their true colours. The contestants are SO annoying. I often wonder, "was I like that when I was 23?" And no, I don't think I was. That was only five years ago. Could I have possibly been that immature and obnoxious? Maybe, actually.

Oh god. Did I really just spend the afternoon dissecting the inner-workings of America's Next Top Model? I'm afraid so. And in my quest for answers, I really just got more questions. Damn you, Tyra.

Bye for now,
Margaret