Spotlight on the searchlight

Spotlights, or 'searchlights' as Google informs me is the more common terminology, have baffled me my whole life. You'll be driving around at night and there one is—a giant beam, gyrating across the night sky.

Where is it coming from? Probably a car dealership.

Is it effective? When people see one, do they stop everything, pull off the nearest exit and weave through the city streets until they find the source? Upon arriving at the car dealership, do they shuffle like zombies to the front entrance chanting 'must buy car, must buy car' and knock on the door of the dark office until the secretary arrives in the morning?

Thomas Edison with his searchlight cart.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

As the co-founder of a marketing agency, I naturally wonder about return on investment. Do searchlights bring in enough custom to cover the rental and electricity costs? Do dealerships measure this in anyway? Do they ask customers to fill in a brief survey on how they heard about the dealership: word of mouth, Google, newspaper ad, leaflet or searchlight?

Do you need a permit to operate a searchlight? That, I think I can answer. Please refer to Section B, Paragraph B of your Seattle Sign Regulation Handbook.

B. In addition to the signs described in subsection A of this section above, commercial or noncommercial messages may be displayed for a total of four (4) fourteen (14) consecutive day periods a calendar year; these additional four (4) periods are the maximum, whether the message is the same message or a different message. These messages may be displayed on banners, streamers, strings of pennants, fabric signs, festoons of lights, flags, wind-animated objects, rigid signs, balloons, searchlights, portable signs attached to vehicles, or devices of a carnival nature, and shall be allowed as temporary signs in all zones. 

Looks like you're free to use one, as long as it's only for 14 days at a time, a maximum of four times a year.

Lots to think about.

Sweet dreams,
Marge

P.S. Low fat yogurt can burn in Hell.

But what does it all mean?

My sister Anna sings 'I See the Moon' to her three-year-old, Ollie, every night before bed. Just recently he's started singing along with her. Yesterday, as she began the second verse ("I had a heart forever true, but it left me and went to you..."), she noticed his voice breaking. She looked down and there he was—half singing, half sucking his thumb—with big tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Ollie, what's wrong?" she asks.

"Uhhh....my eye hurts!" he says, then bursts into full on sobs.

Flash forward to today and the same thing happens again. It's the melody. The lyrics. The sentiment. It's all too much!

People don't think kids are capable of deep thoughts, but they're actually more likely to have an existential crisis than us grown-ups. It's worse for kids, too. They experience feelings, but they can't explain why they feel that way. 99% of the time they're the most happy-go-lucky, live-in-the-present people in the world. Then, 1% of the time, the overwhelming reality of life suddenly hits them like a ton of legos.

Ollie's lullaby tears aren't surprising. When Anna was the same age, she would sob whenever 'Everytime You Go Away' came on the radio. My mom reckons it's because she took the lyrics literally ("you take a piece of me with you" — like, literally, an arm or a finger or an ear). Maybe the same is true of Ollie ("I had a heart forever true, but it left me and went to you...").

I don't know. I think it's possible that, on some level, he just gets it.

"Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you" - Paul Young

Tomorrow I might blog about how much I like this Donald Trump stuff. I'm pretty sure he is a secret genius. His strategy: say the wrong thing all the time. Just when people think you've outdone yourself, outdo yourself again. And it's working! His approval rating is soaring. Maybe it's a reverse psychology thing? I can't explain it. He must be smarter than all of us.

See ya,
Margaret

What do I have to gain?

What do I have to gain from...



...forgetting to eat breakfast and then, at noon, scarfing three 'Nuts Over Chocolate' Luna bars in three minutes.



...lying in bed in agony, bladder about to burst, yet refusing get up and walk to the bathroom.



...staying up hours past the point when I should have gone to sleep, allowing myself to get a second, third, fourth and even fifth wind, before finally collapsing on my laptop.



...continuing to sit on the couch long after all the natural light has left the room, avoiding the three-step walk over to the light switch.

Image by capl@washjeff.edu

...continuing to pick my nose even though years of nonstop picking has stretched my nostrils into gaping, quarter-sized holes.



...WebMD-ing "throbbing vein behind knee".




Goodnight,
Margaret

What will shock us when we're older?

Our parents are shocked by rap videos. Their parents were shocked by Elvis' gyrating hips. Their parents were shocked by a glimpse of the female ankle.

What will shock us?

I really can't think of what it will be.

Image Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Inc. via Wikimeda Commons

Each decade, the popstars wear less. It's gotten to the point that they're now just naked. Miley Cyrus posts full on naked pictures of herself on Instagram and we're just like, "Yeah... Anyway, where did you put the pretzels?"

Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, polysexual, pansexual, asexual—we're fine with them all. Everything's great. It's all OK. Not shocking. Increasingly not even interesting.

Every other day I watch a guy shoot fireworks out of his butt on YouTube. I'm not proud of it, but I once watched a 7-minute video of a woman popping her husband's ginormous neck zit. It was only later, lying in bed that night, that it dawned on me: that wasn't a zit at all; it was a BOIL.

Anyway, you get the idea. Nothing is shocking. Not nudity. Not sexual orientation. Not gross stuff.

I absolutely love that we've reached this inclusive, 'who gives a rip' stage in human history (by "we" I mean young liberal people).

But I still have a sneaking suspicion that, when I'm 90, the "kids these days" will do something that shocks me. I'll ask my grandkids to explain it to me, and I'll tell them stories of how "In my day, you used to have to wear clothes at the supermarket." And they'll laugh at the very idea.

I regularly promise myself (with Andy as my witness) that, even as the world changes around me, I will always be open to new ideas. No matter how tempting it is, I'll resist the urge to cling to the past out of fear and nostalgia. It's the better way to be.

Still, I'm curious. What will shock us? Displaying taxidermied human relatives in our living rooms as home décor? Maybe.

Your wise ol' pal,
Margaret

P.S. Man, there's something about being 28 that makes you think about ageing like you never have before. It's bizarre. Maybe it's the wrinkles I just noticed around my eyes. Or maybe it's the fact that I don't really understand who Calvin Harris is. Whatever it is, it's causing me to cry at HSBC commercials and write blog post oaths to my future 90-year-old self.

Answers to your burning questions

When does the next season of Drag Race start?

Terrible news. Despite RuPaul confirming a January air-date back in November, the network now says Season 7 won't air until "the spring". What!? Let's hope this is some sort of tragic mistake.

What's Carson Daly up to these days? 

Wow, looks like he's still doing that show Last Call with Carson Daly.

How much money do famous YouTubers make? 

So much! Millions! Especially considering how annoying most of them are. According to Forbes, Swedish vlogger 'PewDiePie' makes around $4 million a year. Holy moly, I think it's time I switched to the spoken word. I'd have to get rid of this vocal fry, but where there's a will, there's a way.

What was World War I all about? 

It was kicked off by the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne. That was the spark. It just so happened that Europe was super flammable at the time. The rise of Germany had upset the power balance and destabilised what was, up until then, about a hundred-year period of stability in Europe.

So, when Serbian nationalists shot Franz Ferdinand, Austria-Hungary mobilised for war against Serbia. But then Russia stepped in and said, "Hey! Don't bully Serbia, they are our buddies." But then Germany got involved and was like "Wait a second, Russia. Austria-Hungary has the right to be mad at Serbia."

Before you know it, Germany declares war on Russia and France. Germany tries to march through Belgium, so Britain gets involved (Britain and Belgium were mates. Countries that start with the letter 'B' have to stick together). What about Italy? At first they sided with Germany, but they changed their minds halfway through and switched to Team Britain/France/Russia.

In the end, Germany lost. They had to massively downsize and promise to never start a war again. And they never did.

Fin.

Who's doing the Super Bowl halftime show this year? 

Katy Perry and Lenny Kravitz. What a bizarre pairing!

How do you get chewing gum out of your hair? 

Smother it in peanut butter and gradually massage it out of your hair. If that doesn't work, cut it! Bowl cuts are in right now. 

What's the best Real Housewives franchise? 

Beverly Hills.

It's a tough call, but Beverly Hills wins for featuring the richest, yet somehow most likeable, housewives. In other cities, their problems are more 'real' (husbands going to prison, houses foreclosing, massive family feuds, assault charges), but since those are actual, real-life problems, they hide it all during filming and make up their own drama for the show. In Beverly Hills, however, they don't have any 'real' problems, so their ridiculous, petty drama is real.

Does that make sense? Also, since they don't really have any serious problems simmering under the surface, you can watch it without having to feel sad for them.

What should you make for dinner? 

Easy. Homemade pizza. It's not as hard as it sounds. The dough is just flour, yeast, olive oil and a dash of salt. The sauce is just canned tomatoes or fresh ones chopped up and cooked with olive oil. The toppings are whatever you have in the veggie drawer, plus mozzarella cheese.

Who is Rita Ora and why is she famous? 

 She's a singer from the UK (although originally from Kosovo). I used to refer to her as 'British Rihanna'. One of her biggest hits was 'How we do'. She also sings on the Iggy Azalea track 'Black Widow'. Back in the day Rob Kardashian claimed he once got her pregnant, but she denied it. Now she's a judge on The Voice UK. 

This is Rita Ora.
Image by Neon Tommy via Wikimedia Commons.

Why does the moon only affect the tides but nothing else? 

 This question was posed by Andy, and it's far more difficult to answer than the other questions on this list. But here goes nothing.

The gravitational pull of the moon does affect everything, but the effect is tiny. So tiny that it's immeasurable. It's just because the oceans are so massive that we can perceive and measure tides. Oceans are ginormous, but still the moon only causes them to move a few metres. And even though the water level only changes by a few metres, it can seem like more because of the topography of the ocean floor. 

Hopefully I covered them all, but let me know if I missed any of your burning questions and I will endeavour to answer them at my earliest convenience. 

Thank you,
Margaret Kay

Questions I Don't Want to Know the Answer To

Here are some questions I've asked myself recently. I quickly realised I actually don't want to know the answers to them. 

How often should you buy a new bra?

Is streaming a TV show better/less illegal than downloading it?

How many calories are in a Chicago Town pizza?

What does my hair look like in the back when I wear it down? (I just gave myself another home cut)

How often should you wash a bra?

Where are these little fruit flies in my flat coming from?

Should I be taking Vitamin D supplements?

In other news, I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my business cards. Of course I just used an online, build-your-own business card website - so who knows how they'll turn out. Hopefully they'll look something like the image on the Wikipedia page for 'Business card'.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

I actually bet you there's a hipster out there whose business card looks identical to this.

Anyhoo, life as a freelancer = a delight. You might as well call me the Beyonce of content marketing, because my solo career is taking off!!! HAHAHHAHAHAHHA. Still got it.

But really, it's going as good, if not a wee bit better, than I could have expected. Although I now understand why Andy, who also works from home, despises bagpipes with a fiery passion. It's amazing how it only takes about 7 consecutive plays of 'Amazing Grace' before the guilt of ever having enjoyed the croaking instrument starts to set in.

Landsakes! I am ravenous! Time to cook up that most delicious and convenient of dinners, PASTA! 

Love, 

Margaret

P.S. I have another niece! Little Corina joined our giant family on Saturday. Congrats to Francie, Bobby and Keeley on the new arrival. For pics, check out my sister Anna's blog. 

P.P.S. For most of my life, including well into adulthood, I referred to all pasta dishes (apart from lasagna) as 'spaghetti.' I did not know that spaghetti only refers to a particular noodle. Oh yeah, I also will say 'noodles' when discussing any/all types of spaghetti pasta. I now know that 'noodles' are more specific, Asian-style things. Apparently. Though I am still a bit confused.