Chessed out

Have you ever played chess? Don't do it! It's incredibly taxing. I just played half a round with Andy and my brain feels like I've taken seven SATs, read a bunch of 'magical realism' (GAWD, that genre) and threaded a tiny needle whilst reciting the Gettysburg Address from memory.

Translation: chess is hard.

I start out confident, then I get antsy, discouraged and stressed out as I watch my one-inch army get knocked out one solider at a time. I struggle to visualize the horse's movements. Three and then one OR one and then three. An 'L' shape. It's difficult for me.

Patience is the missing piece. If I was patient, I wouldn't take my queen out into the front lines.

If I was patient, I would think beyond bishop blood and set my sights higher up the line of succession.

If I was patient, I could win. At least once, I could win.

I'm silver. How do I get out of this mess? 

Not to make excuses, but I jammed my finger on a baseball earlier today. We were playing catch on the beach. Maybe if my finger wasn't throbbing, I would have seen that rook coming.

Love,
Margaret

P.S. Remember when Kyle told Lisa that being friends with her was like playing chess with Bobby Fischer? Season 3 reunion. That was great. Do you think Mauricio told her to say it?

I'm extremely frustrated!

The title says it all, but if you need more context, here are some key words:

Ikea

Bed frame

Disassemble

Allen wrench

Spatial awareness

Hard

Sweaty

Tired

Cry

New plan! I'll get my dad to help me in the morning. 

In other news, I still really love my floral night shirt. 

Goodnight,

Margaret

P.S. Kim Richards (RHOBH) arrested for shoplifting from Target. Yikes. I guess that means Kyle and Kathy really have cut her off. Hopefully this is 'rock bottom' and she finally sorts her life out. 

Bye Bye Brandi

You're probably still reeling from the news.

Brandi Glanville—ex to Eddie Cibrian, enemy of Leann Rimes, enabler of Kim Richards, bestie of Kristen Taekman, mother of the late chihuahua Chica—has been FIRED from RHOBH!

That begs the question, who will be next season's villain? Also, you heard it here first, Brandi will be back on the show in a couple of years. She'll show her softer side on some other reality shows, then return to RHOBH a new woman. Mark. My. Words.

Whether you'll mourn or celebrate her absence, keep in mind that to everything (turn, turn, turn) there is a season (turn, turn, turn) and a time to every purpose under heaven. Cue the music!





Speaking of saying goodbye...

...a friend from college once dated a guy who broke up with her after three months by saying, very sincerely, "I'm going to have to let you go." What a line!

...Brian Williams (the LIAR) is (of course) not returning to NBC Nightly News.

....Blanket Jackson changed his name to Bigi because for some reason he wasn't keen on Blanket.

...Alexander Hamilton may soon be off the $10 bill and replaced with a WOMAN. Fingers crossed it's Judy Garland.

...After his performance in Tacoma today, professional philanderer Tiger Woods may soon be saying farewell to his golf career.

Gute Nacht,

Margaret

P.S. For the record, I'll miss Brandi.

Shirt labels these days...

Something's up with them.

My mom says they never used to be so fat and so long. Also, there didn't used to be so many.

"Now there's like five on every shirt," she says.

Anna has a sheer blouse with a giant label that's visible through the fabric. She fears cutting it would make the situation worse.

Francie agrees. "You could cut it, but the nubbin might look even weirder."

"And sometimes the nubbin itches more than the full label," my mom says. She reiterates to us that big labels are a new thing. "It didn't used to be like this!"

Maybe gratuitous shirt labels are due to new regulations? Must all retailers, by law, disclose a laundry list (n.p.i.) of washing instructions?

No, that can't be.

"What about label-less t-shirts?" Anna says. "That's also a thing now. So, it can't be due to any sort of law."

Image by jdbradway via Flickr

Whatever the reason, we all agree it needs to stop.


Yours,

Margaret

P.S. Kim Richards of RHOBH was arrested for being drunk/disorderly/kicking a cop. It was only a matter of time. Let's hope this will be a catalyst for her getting the help she needs! Of course, we're all wondering, what does Brandi think? Where was Brandi during all this? Did she call Brandi? Will Brandi defend her? Et cetera, et cetera.

New lease on life

Today I had a migraine. Yep, turns out I'm not cured.

This one was BAD.

It lasted from 7:30am until 4:40pm.

But now it's gone and I feel like:

• Riding a horse bareback through the Grand Canyon. 

• Going to the nearest prison, unlocking the cells and letting the jailbirds run free.

• Recording an album of classic ballad covers (my dream vanity project, sorry Madgespace).

• Amtrack-ing from Edmonds to NYC.

• Napping in a canoe on a lake in the sunshine. 

On top of all those things, I had an epiphany that only a post-migraine brain could conjure: 

I must go to Beverly Hills and eat at one of Lisa Vanderpump's restaurants. 

Pump, Sur or Villa Blanca—doesn't matter! I can make this happen. Maybe I'll even wind up as an extra in an episode of RHOBH. 

Anyway, now I have what they call a "migraine hangover". It's as if someone shoved me in a tumble dryer, pressed start and didn't let me out for nine hours. Even though it's over, I can't help but feel achy, exhausted and a bit traumatised. 

Still, my overarching emotions are relief and elation. It's amazing how being unwell can make you realise how glorious it is to feel your 100% self. Health! What a gift!

Also, my sistah Char is a saint. During the dark times today, she brought me food and a San Pellegrino sparkling lemon beverage. She's also organised a few guest bloggers for next week so that I can spend less time on the computer (we think that could be what's triggering the kopfschmerzen).

Now, it's time to rest this weary head. 

Goodnight, 

Margaret

Last night's dinner conversation

Tonight I'm very tired and, as Yolanda Foster would say, "I have lost the ability to read, write, or even watch TV."

OK, fine, I can still watch TV. And yes, I suppose it's mean to poke fun at Yo's so-called "Chronic Lyme Disease", but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't skeptical. Lots of docs say there's no such disease. Plus, have you seen that gal's supplement regime? She needs to get that in check. On this week's episode of RHOBH she was gulping down vitamins by the handful. You know how I feel about bogus health stuff.

Anyway.

Since I don't have much to say this evening, I'll share a conversation I had with Andy yesterday while we made falafels.

---

Last night's dinner conversation

Andy: "You know what's an extremely underrated fact?"

Me: "What?"

Andy: "There was once a president who was in a wheelchair.........and he kept it a SECRET."

Me: "Yes, that, and his wife was a lesbian."

Andy: "And she was his cousin."

Me: "She was?"

Andy: "Yeah, she didn't have to change her name when they got married. It was already Roosevelt."

One of three known photos of FDR in a wheelchair.
Image via Wikimedia Commons

---

Just ate so many raviolis I reckon I'll explode.

Love,
Margaret

What's more fried: my brain or my Swedish style balls? Oh snap!

Workin' 9 to 5

Proof that my brain isn't used to the eight-hour workday:

Just got home. Spotted dirty soup pan on stove. Turned faucet on so I could fill it with soapy water. Looked out for the window for a second. Looked back at the sink, saw the faucet running and thought: CRAP! Has that faucet been running since morning!??! 

Yes, in the two seconds I spent looking out the window, I had forgotten that I turned the faucet on. I panicked, thinking about how much water I must have wasted leaving the tap on all day. I looked around the flat guiltily, just to make sure the police weren't hiding in the corner, waiting to arrest me.

I sat on the couch and bowed my head in shame. And then I remembered turning it on. And then I opened the computer and clicked 'new post' on Madgespace because I knew this story would be blogging gold. #SlaveToMyReaders

Swedish style balls

In other news, I am ecstatic because Andy and I are having pesto pasta with meatless meatballs (remember what happened last time?) for dinner. Actually, their official name is 'Swedish style balls'. Eww. Who signed off on that? But what's in a name, I suppose, because they're de-bloody-licious.

Celebrity jungle

The reality show 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' (still the worst name ever; Andy and I call it 'Celebrity Jungle' instead) has started back up in the UK. It's THE BEST. You may remember the short-lived American version from a while back, but just like yoghurt, hummus, debit cards and nothing else, the UK version is waaaay better.

The premise: Throw a bunch of C-list/D-list celebrities into the brutal Australian jungle for three weeks and make them eat nothing but oats. Let the viewers at home vote for who they want to see do the food-earning challenge in next week's show. Make the celeb with the most votes do something horrific, like lie in a coffin that slowly fills with water and 40 snakes. If the celeb does it, give them a food prize that actually isn't very good at all, like a measly portion of dingo meat, or something.

The reason it's good: The show is actually pretty hardcore. Celebs are put through hell, and they're STARVING. That's why only really desperate ones who need the money do the show. Alfonso Ribeiro was on it last year. A couple seasons ago a guy got repeatedly bitten by a snake doing a challenge. It's brutal. Also, the hosts of the show—Ant and Dec—are just the most lovable guys.

With Celeb Jungle, Real Housewives of Atlanta and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (premieres tomorrow) all back on the telly box, well, I'm just a pig in mud.

What TV shows are you watching? Let me know in the comments!

(That's what they call a "call to action" in the copywriting biz)

Love,
Margaret

Troop Beverly Pizza / Best of Michael Kors

It's Diva Night at my flat, and we're ordering pizza! I keep singing 'Cookie Time' from Troop Beverly Hills to myself, but instead of saying 'cookie time', I'm saying 'PIZZA TIME'!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA




Oh man, Troop Beverly Hills is such a fantastic flick.

Reminds me, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is starting back up next week! I'm a bit worried that all their storylines have been played out, but you can always count on Brandi to bring the drama, and did you see that Kim's dog (speaking of played out storylines) bit Kyle's daughter? She had to get surgery and stay overnight at the hospital. I hope to dear god they were filming at the time, but I have a hunch that filming had wrapped already. Still, we'll hear about it at the reunion fo sho.

It's been a busy day of writing, and I have bit of a headache lingering around the ol' left eye (that's why they call me Grassy 'Left Eye' Llama), so I'm going to have to leave it at that.

As Dr. Laura would say: "Now, go take on the day!"

Love,
Margaret
__________________________________________________________________

OK, Diva Night is over now and gosh darn it if I don't feel a bit guilty about writing such a short post earlier. I'm going to make up for it by writing a bit more down here below my sign-off.

Three things:

1. The pizza was a hit!

2. We Googled 'Best of  Michael Kors Project Runway' and the video we found really delivered. Watch it and LOL until the cows come home.



3. I've been terrified to use my migraine medicine, because it's serious stuff and has tons of potential side effects. But tonight, when I felt the classic Friday night headache festering behind my left eye, I decided to bite the bullet at swallow the pill. Guess what? My headache went away. AND I'm still alive. Turns out, medicine works. I'm thrilled!

Goodbye again,

Margie

RHOBH is BACK!

If you listened to my first podcast, then you know that I have good taste in TV. OK, so I don't 'get' the Homeland praise, but I'm right there with the rest of the world in loving Mad Men, Boardwalk Empire and all those other HBO/Showtime greats.

Clearly, my TV palate is refined enough to enjoy those wonderfully scripted, brilliantly acted shows - so why is it that I enjoy the Real Housewives franchise just as much (if not a bit more)?

Image via Realitytea.com

I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills because I genuinely love it. It's not a guilty pleasure. I am not watching it ironically. Honestly, nothing beats sitting up in bed with a mug of tea, a toasted bagel, and the latest installment of RHOBH.

My theory is that reality TV actually really helps me switch off my manic brain. When you stare at a computer all day pretending and then eventually convincing yourself that the work you're doing matters, it's hard to stop caring at the stroke of 5:10 (yes, my job bizarrely ends at 5:10). But the Real Housewives, their odd lives and (probably fake) drama is like a vacation for my brain. I don't get that from more 'serious' shows, like The Wire or Mad Men. Those shows are great, but their characters' lives stress me out. Not true of RHOBH, RuPaul's Drag Race and Geordie Shore.

Season 3 airs TONIGHT, which means I'll be able to watch it tomorrow (time difference). Cannae wait.

Do you watch any Housewives? Which ones? I watch New York, Beverly Hills and occasionally Orange County. I also watched Washington D.C. for the one season it was on.

Cheers,
Margaret