Looking back on my teenage years, there's so much I wish I knew then that I know now (Hmm, someone should write a song about that. I'm thinkin' Rod Stewart?).
Prime example: my most embarrassing moment. It's cringe-worthy to this day.
The year: 2000
The city: Kenmore, Washington, USA
The place: Kenmore Jr. High
The story actually starts on 62nd Ave, in the Arrowhead neighbourhood of southwest Kenmore. I was in my childhood home, in my childhood bed, with visions of Chad Michael Murray dancing in my head. Then what in my snoozing state did I hear? A Fred Meyers alarm clock blasting in my ear.
SHIZE. Slept in. The bus would be at the corner in one minute. No time to shower. No time to eat. It was a straightforward 'grab the backpack and run' job.
Lucky for me, baggy grey sweatpants + oversized navy blue hoodie + messy bun was the style at KJH those days. No need to even change out of the PJs. I could literally jump out of bed and run out the door.
I made it to street corner just as the big yellow school bus was about to close its doors. Phew!
Catching my breath, I found a seat near the back and sank into the brown vinyl cushions, quite proud of my near miss. That had to be a record. I'd been asleep just ONE MINUTE before! Wait 'til the gang hears about this. Gosh darn it, Margaret, you've pulled off a real humdinger.
But my relief was short lived. Something didn't feel right. I felt too free, too relaxed—too uninhibited. Suddenly, I was hyperaware of my nipples. OH CRAP. No bra.
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| My room during junior high and high school. Key components: Giant fruit painted on the wall Star Wars Episode 1 poster Harry Potter books stacked up near the mirror Blue Bear (wearing a bra?) and friends on the couch Large Ouija board 'planchette' made of wood Cut-out drawings from the 'Grossology' book series above the closet doors |
My lack of proper boob apparel certainly took the sheen off my sleeping-in success. But as far as junior high emergencies go, it wasn't that bad. All I would have to do is walk around with my arms folded the whole day. It was only six hours. I could handle that. Little did I know, the situation was about to get much, much worse.
It was second period—Mr. Guy's art class. I'd already made it an hour, arms folded tightly and no one the wiser. Then the vice principal's voice came over the intercom:
"This is a reminder for all 8th graders to please start heading to the gym for the scoliosis screening."
SCOLIOSIS SCREENING. SCOLIOSIS SCREENING. SCOLIOSIS SCREENING.
The words echoed in my ears. I had completely forgotten that today was the day I would be extracted from my studies and tested for a RARE SPINE DEFORMATION. I had completely forgotten that today was the day I would be required to: 1) remove my shirt, 2) stand in front of a parent volunteer and 3) bend forward slowly, creating a 90 degree angle with my body.
We'd been reminded about it for weeks. "Girls should make sure to wear a bra or swimsuit top on the day of the screening" it said on the paper handout. At the time I thought that was hilarious. Swimsuit top? We're 14 years old! Who isn't wearing a bra by now? Hahahaha.
Now who was laughing.
I started following my classmates toward the gym. Embarrassed. Terrified. Powerless. Not at any point did it occur to me that I could just skip the screening, go hang out in the bathroom for 20 minutes, feign illness or, better yet, JUST WALK HOME.
Instead, I continued to shuffle slowly toward my fate. At the last-minute, I told my friend about my predicament. Maybe she'd have an idea of what I should do.
"Oh my god, that sucks." she said. "That totally sucks."
That was it, and I was next in line. There was nothing I could do now.
So I walked behind the curtain, took my sweatshirt off and exposed my braless body without a word of explanation. The examiner was the mother of a boy in my grade. As I bent forward slowly—my spine the picture of health—I imagined her and her son at the dinner table, laughing hysterically as she told him all about my bare bosoms.
But at least I had learned a valuable lesson.
From that day forward, until the day I graduated high school, I slept in my bra.
OK, I'm off to England for the weekend. I'll still write a blog each day, but expect the quality to be even worse than usual.
Have a fantastic weekend!
Love,
Margaret
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