Martha the matriarch

To say my grandma is a great conversationalist would be the understatement of the century. She is to words what the ocean is to plankton, the sky is to stars, a competitive eater is to hotdogs—filled to the brim.

Today's anecdotes included:

• How her mother used to send her food in the mail. She once sent an entire pork roast by USPS.

• How she was BFFs with a married Democrat atheist man. They would go clothes shopping together for his wife. He was also an avid weaver. "I think he was probably part gay," she says. 'Part gay' is my new fave phrase. Like being 'part Japanese' or something. 

• How taking hot baths was her only escape from her kids, and even then, they would pass her notes through the crack between the floor and the door. 

A photograph of a photograph, taken with my web cam.
Look closely and you can see my laptop reflected in the glass!

She also says that the keys to a happy marriage are kindness and forgiveness.

I feel like Andy and I are in a constant state of silent, preemptive forgiveness—it's the only way two people this annoying can live happily together. 

But kindness? Are we kind? We're somewhat kind. But he could definitely give me more back massages and I could stop making fun of his far apart eyes. There's room for improvement. 

I'm TIRED. Up at 5:30am this morning. Took the first water taxi across to Seattle this morning. Sat on the top deck with a view of the skyline, all lit-up in the still-dark sky. Truly brilliant. Then a bunch of doofus seals had to ruin it by arfing loudly from their perch on a nearby buoy. But what can ya do? Seals gonna arf. 

LOVE, 

Margaret

Tennis elbow

Well, my brother Max and I did the impossible.

We followed through on plans to play tennis.

I said it couldn't be done, but I proved myself wrong. Today we actually got in a car, drove to a tennis court, physically held onto tennis rackets with our real-life hands and hit a blindingly bright, delicious-smelling green ball over a net.

It was fun, but dang if I didn't catch me some tennis elbow. Gots me the tennis elbow real bad.

Serena 

game face

On an unrelated note, I'm going to end tonight's post with some advice. Get ready. Here it goes.

Moods fluctuate. That's OK. It's absolutely fine to feel sad or bored or grumpy for no real reason at all. What's not ok? Acting on those moods.

Being in a 'bad mood' is not an excuse for bad behavior. If you find yourself in a funk, just ride it out. Know that it will pass. In the meantime, distract yourself. Drink a glass of water. Take a nap. Make a paper airplane. Whatever! Just don't think that being in a bad mood earns you additional rights.

Also, try not to cough or sneeze when eating carrots. Half-chewed carrot shards will get stuck in your nasal/throat passage. It's very uncomfortable.

Your wise pal,
Margaret

When's the last time you cleaned your fridge?

Only 18 days until I move out of Kenmore and into an apartment in West Seattle. You know what that means. In less than three weeks, I'll have a refrigerator all to myself! Mine, mine, mine! Mine to clean. Mine to organize. Mine to gaze into longingly. I can't wait!

When it comes to refrigerators, I go full Yolanda. Clean as a whistle and organized within an inch of its egg tray. Actually, I blame MTV Cribs. I remember watching it as a young teenager in a household of seven and dreaming of having a fridge like Tony Hawk or Linda Hogan when I grew up. Full of pop and Capri-suns and pre-sliced cheese.

Here's my fridge ethos:

• Take all individually-packed items out of their communal package (e.g. take pop out of the cardboard box)

• Only one ketchup at a time. Stick to four mustards max: French's, sweet hot, dijon, stoneground.

• When in doubt, throw it out! (credit: Stephanie Janicki)

Image by Tweek via Wikimedia Commons

This evening I threw out an entire QFC bag's worth of rotten food. Mouldy hummus. Lasagna from two weeks ago. Black beans that smelled like cat urine. It's nobody's fault; it's just the natural consequence of living in a household of more than two people. You simply can't control the fridge situation.

These precious years of pre-kids adulthood are my only chance to enjoy a clean, tidy fridge before the situation spirals yet again. Here's to making the most of them starting August 1st!

Love,
Margaret

P.S. I couldn't find a good place for this sentence, but it seemed a shame to throw it out: 'I like my refrigerators like I like my men—tall, orderly and complicit in my weight gain.'

Don't think about these things too much

Let's face it, things are a bit dull at the moment. When the top headline is about how JK Rowling hit back at a Twitter troll for 'body-shaming' Serena Williams, you know it's a slow news day.

Where's Rachel Dolezal when you need her?

Anyway, the lack of enticing news stories forced me to get creative with tonight's blog (and I reserve the right to be resentful about it). Instead of forcing you to come to terms with cold hard truths, I'm giving you permission to ignore some of life's most uncomfortable realities.

Here it goes. Don't think about the following things too much:

• Eggs

• Milk

• 'Microscopic mites' that live on your face

• Kissing

• Sleeping

• Your tongue

• Your impending death 

Slurrrrp!

Image by jefras via Wikimedia Commons

Monday tomorrow! Ruh-oh! Back to the grind! Do you have a coping strategy? Might I suggest a 3pm Kit-Kat break? Buy it at lunch, put it in the fridge and then wait patiently until the clock strikes three. When it's Kit-Kat time, put your headphones in, listen to the Lark Ascending and daydream as you take tiny, squirrel-like nibbles. Repeat with as many Kit-Kats as necessary or until 4pm.

Love,
Margaret

The dos and don'ts of life

DON'T trim your nose hair bare. You'll get sick. It happened to Andy after I bought him an electric trimmer. Turns out, those nose hairs are there for a reason.

DON'T squirt lighter fluid onto charcoal without any eye protection. Bye bye, eyelashes.

DON'T sign up to be an altar girl just because they're having a pizza party for new recruits.

DON'T skip meals.

DON'T pierce your own ears. They'll be lopsided and it'll cause scar tissue.

DON'T put anything you really like in the dryer.

DON'T eat nothing but salad and bran cereal for months hoping that it will cure constipation. It will only make things worse. Imagine piles of twigs and leaves building up behind a river dam.

DON'T use Sun-In if you're a brunette.

DON'T eat chocolate-covered raisins out of a communal container whilst in a hot tub.



DO stay up late watching TV on a weeknight, even though you'll be tired the next day.

DO cry when you stub your toe.

DO read page-turners.

DO try to get out of the house at least once a day.

DO swirl the water with a spoon before you crack the eggs into the pan (when making poached eggs).

DO sleep with your head at the other end of the bed a few nights a month. Just to keep things spicy.

DO make a point to acknowledge and say 'thank you' to your waiter / bartender as you're leaving (Brits taught me this, and it's a good one).

DO give away all your purses and just put your debit card in your pocket.

DO the Puyallup

TTFN,
Margaret

Mike Daisey on Brian Williams / My advice for both of them

Mike Daisey has written an article for Slate with some advice for Brian Williams.

In case you've forgotten who Mike Daisey is, he's the one who lied about his experience at the Chinese iPhone factory in that This American Life episode from a while back (retraction episode).

Remember? He said all kinds of kooky made-up things, like how the factory guards had guns and how one worker—hand crippled from an accident on the production line—proclaimed "It's a kind of magic!" when seeing an iPad in action for the first time.

As someone who was caught in a lie and the subject of a major media backlash, Daisey figures he's in a particularly good position to advise Brian Williams on his next steps. Makes sense—a reformed liar takes a recently diagnosed liar under his wing. I like the premise.

In the article, Daisey gives three main pieces of advice. He says:

1. "First and foremost, apologize. Fully and directly."


2. "Next, read all the criticism. Every last lacerating thing someone—especially someone you respect—has to say."


3. "My final piece of advice: Let go of your pride."

That's all great. Good advice. Why couldn't he have left it at that?

Instead, he waffles on about the thought-process behind his lies, what he's learned about the nature of audiences, a Quran quote that inspires him to be better and blah blah blah. He's trying so hard to be the most sincere, repentant person on earth, but somehow he STILL manages to downplay his wrongdoing. It's lines like this that trouble me:

"Williams has more at stake than I ever did—he is, after all, an actual journalist" 

(Distinguishing himself as a non-journalist and therefore not subject to the same standards—he loves to do this.)

AND

"I’m a storyteller and monologist who works in the theater. But I recognize that in many ways what Brian Williams has done is the same thing I did: adding the first person, inserting yourself into stories in order to heighten and intensify their telling."'

(Explaining the reasoning behind the lies, how great storytelling is built on dramatisation.)

AND

"No one tells the unvarnished truth unless he wants to have a very short career—our culture teaches us that it would be far better to be mentally deficient and incompetent than to admit we lied."

(It's our culture's fault! Our culture's to blame!)

Sorry, Mike. I no longer think you're in a good position to be advising Brian Williams. Instead, allow me to impart some wisdom on both of you:

KEEP IT SHORT!

Image by myguitarzz via Wikimedia Commons

When it comes to apologies, no one wants to hear why you did it, what the experience has taught you or the ways you're making strides to be a better person.

All they want to hear is: I did it. I'm sorry. I was wrong. I won't do it again.

It's not up to you whether people forgive you or not, but the more you talk, the more likely you are to dig that hole deeper. Just give it time. Keep it short and give it time.

Cheers,
Margaret

P.S. I am longwinded. Just look at this post! My liberal use of adverbs and adjectives must have Hemingway rolling in his grave (he reads this from the grave, btw).

So, just like Mike Daisey, I am not good at saying "sorry" and then dropping it. Instead, I say sorry repeatedly about an inch from your ear until you're so fed up that you give up and forgive me. I realise that, again like Mike Daisey, I could use a strong dose of my own advice.

Take a risk

Your entire childhood is about reducing risks.

There are two simple goals:

1. Stay alive (aka wear a bike helmet)
2. Get into college (aka do your homework)

Those, I'm fairly comfortable with. Yet, even after the uni years, the warnings continue. People are constantly bombarding you with foreboding words of wisdom.

"Don't walk places at night" 
(or else you'll get murdered!)

"Get an internship" 
(or else you'll never get a job!)

"Establish good credit" 
(or else you'll never buy a house!)

"Get on the property ladder" 
(or else you'll throw all your money down the drain by renting!)

"Start at the bottom and gradually work your way to the top" 
(or else you'll make entry-level wages the rest of your life!)

They have good intensions. And safety is important. So are education and hard work. BUT nobody talks about the positive, practical implications of risk taking. The irony is, being too risk averse is RISKY! It could mean living a boring, unfulfilled life. And what could be worse than that?

Making dynamic decisions is how we discover what makes us happy. Why isn't there at least an equal focus on the benefits of risk taking? Why don't we hear more things like:

"Nobody dies regretting that they travelled to too many places"
(so hit the open road!)

"You'll never know unless you try"
(so give it a go!)

"The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps"*
(so no half measures!)

"Even when times seem tough, remember that everything tends to work out"
(so worry less!)

OK, it's all a bit hokey and easier said than done. But imagine if we lived in a society where these messages were embedded into the culture rather than reduced to motivational Pinterest fodder. Imagine if we really believed them, if we took them to heart, if our lives weren't ruled by trivial fears.

Nope, not relevant. Just happened to appear in the Google Image search for 'risk taking'.
If it's hot water, the risk paid off. If it's cold water, at least it's a good story!

Image via Wikimedia Commons

My New Year's resolution (yeah, it's the 10th of February. So what?) is not to agonise over decisions. I'm going to weigh potential risks far less heavily than potential gains.

Now, for my first risk of the evening: staying here in bed even though I have to pee really, really bad.

Cheers,
Margaret

*Credit: Benjamin Disraeli and Andy Williamson

Polar and Naked Mole Rat

I have two hot water bottles. I know, I know. I'm not usually one to brag, but hot water bottles actually aren't that expensive! And boy do they do a great job of keeping you warm in the freezing Scottish winter.

One sits in a white, faux fur case. I call that one Polar.

The other is blue, with a geometric pattern on its back. That one doesn't have a case, so I call it Naked Mole Rat.

They make a darling pair.

Polar, with his coat of fur, isn't as hot at first, but he stays warm longer. NMR is piping right after you fill him, but he cools down quickly.

My babies. My GORGEOUS BABIES!

Hot water bottle tips

• Always use boiling water out of the kettle. Yes, this will cause the water bottle to eventually melt and leak. But hot water from the tap simply isn't scalding enough. 

• Put the hot water bottle under your covers 30 minutes before you plan to get in bed. That way your sheets will be nice and toasty for you at bedtime. 

• After pouring the boiling water down the neck of the hot water bottle, squeeze it at the shoulders so that it's air-tight around the waterline before you screw the cap back in. This makes the hot water bottle nice and squidgy. If you don't get all the air out, it will feel hard and bloated when you go to cuddle it. 

• In the middle of the night, when you realise it's gone cold, throw it out of bed like an old sock. It's no good to you anymore and it's taking up precious bed space. Girl bye! 

Goodnight,
Margaret

Bad news

I don't know how to feel about the news.

When I see a horrific headline, part of me wants to slam my laptop shut, jump in a hot shower and sing Motown songs at the top of my lungs until the uncomfortable feeling passes. The other part of me wants to read everything I can about it. Watch the shaky iPhone footage. Delve deep into Reddit threads. Scroll through the #prayfor[victim] hashtags on Twitter and bathe in the sorrow, tragedy, shock and horror of it all.

One day, I'm a wise Mr. Roger's type, reminding myself that most people are good and then sticking my head deep in the sand. The next day I'm the worst rubbernecking motorist on the road.

Whenever something about 'the world' upsets me (goddamn you, the world!), Andy tells me to think of my nieces and nephews. He says, "Just think about Freddie!"

It's fantastic advice.

You know those people who say 'I hate kids'? What assholes!
It's not an original thing to say, but people who say it think they're being super cutting-edge. 

If you don't have a baby or toddler in your life, I suggest you get one posthaste. It doesn't have to be one of your own—a friend's will do. Before you run for the shower or the Dailymail or the Smokey Robinson album or CNN, think about your toddler of choice. Picture their gap-toothed grin, goofy walk and tiny human clothing. Think about their moronic sense of humour and how much they adore their parents. Realise how wonderful it is that you know someone so pure and happy.

Love,
Margaret

Greetings from a bed of sand

When I first wrote the title of this post, I accidentally wrote 'Greetings from a bed of sad'. These blogging fingers must know me better than I know myself, because that typo works. It really works.

You see, I'm not relaxing on a white sand beach, hooked up to resort WiFi and typing this post whilst sipping an umbrella-clad cocktail. Oh no. I'm just sitting on my normal bed in my frigid flat under sheets that are covered in countless miniature pieces of rock. Oh yeah, SAND. Lots of it.

This photo was just to throw you off. And to break up the text, because your 2014 brain can't handle large chunks of words.
Image via Wikimedia Commons

Temperatures are dropping here in Edinburgh, so yesterday I grabbed an old plaid blanket from the linen cupboard and threw it on the bed. Little did I know it was covered in sand from a long forgotten picnic of yesteryear.

What's the lesson to take away? Think about your future self. If I had only thought of future, wintertime Margaret when I was folding that sandy blanket and putting it back into the cupboard, I wouldn't be lying in a bed of sad.

The upside? Finally, a way to exfoliate my legs while I sleep!

The other upside? Today I found a Text Edit document titled 'Blog Ideas' hidden amongst a billion other icons on my cluttered computer desktop. This is what was inside:

Blog Ideas

 - I don't have bad eyesight, my eyes are just unmotivated. Can't focus when I'm on the computer, but when I go to take an eye test, they step up their game. Can you get glasses for eyes that can't be bothered?

 - Air stewardesses and sock buns - who's going to tell them that, like the gaucho pant before it, the sock bun was a fleeting trend.

Ha, proof that I do sometimes think of my future self! That's tomorrow and Wednesday's posts sorted. Stay tuned.

Cheers,
Margaret

6 alternatives to the ugly Christmas sweater party

Don't get me wrong; I like ugly sweater parties as much as the next gal. They're definitely here to stay, and I'm happy that they're a part of contemporary Christmas culture. However, that doesn't mean there isn't a market for new holiday party ideas. Diversification is always a good thing (prime example: the Papa John's Fritos Chili Pizza).



So, if you fancy having your pals around for a festive soirée, but you're already attending three ugly sweater parties this week alone, then here are some alternatives to consider:

1) A Kompletely Kardashian Khristmas! 
Dress like a Kardashian. Jumpsuits, bandage cut-out dresses, turtleneck crop-tops, airbrushed makeup—the whole kit and kaboodle. Basically, dress as fiercely and glamorously as you would every day if you had the balls and the budget.

Men attending the party can wear socks from Rob Kardashian's sock line. They can put the socks on their hands so they don't have to lift up their trouser hem to show people. See, I've thought of everything!

2) Christmas Halloween!
OK, this is just like Halloween, except instead of dressing up as Halloweeny stuff (vampire, ghost, pumpkin, etc.) you dress as something Christmas themed (snowman, candy cane, reindeer, etc.). Call it 'Christmas Halloween', because it's just confusing enough to work!

3) Santa Party!
Everyone, be they a man or a woman, dresses as Santa. Simple.

4) Winter Solstice Party!
Gather your friends around a backyard bonfire and embrace your inner pagan. Wear some crazy costume inspired by nature. Paint yourself blue, put leaves in your hair, drink wine out of a dried yak esophagus—anything goes!

5) 'Christmas Morning PJ' Party!
You know how Santa used to get everyone in your family a new pair of matching flannel pyjamas for Christmas? Nope, me neither. But that was part of my cousins' Christmas tradition and I always thought it was brilliant.

Tell your friends to wear their comfiest Christmas PJs, but also set some ground rules:

• NO "onesies" allowed. If it's marketed as a "onesie" or found in the novelty/costume section of the shop, it doesn't count as pyjamas. You want proper PJs. Ma in her kerchief and I in my cap type stuff. None of this Miley Cyrus rave-chic "look at how quirky I am" bullroar (sorry Miley). 

• Keep it PG. "Pyjama party" doesn't translate to "lingerie party". Someone should have told that to the Real Housewives of Atlanta last year. 

6) Retro Ski Lodge Party!

Dress like you're lounging around a ski lodge in the 70s. Tell everyone to bring a retro appetiser and serve eggnog in moose mugs. 

Cheers,
Margaret

P.S. If you're British, you can just ignore this entire post and go to the pub with your mates instead.

Meta

I'm babysitting for Char and William tonight, and you know what that means: pizza party for one!

As I sit here pressing the refresh button on Domnio's Order Tracker, I am desperately trying to think of something to blog about. And then it occurred to me, make the brainstorming process the blog itself! Genius! Two birds, one stone.

OK, my conversation with myself, as it just unfolded:

• Write about flu vaccines, and how you're going to get your first ever this year.

• Write about how, at least in some cases, refusing to engage with anxiety is the best way to overcome it. For example, instead of losing sleep over an important business meeting and telling everyone who asks that you're nervous about it, just don't talk about it or even allow yourself to think about it. Kick those negative thoughts sky high into another dimension. Every time the cause of your anxiety pops into your head, ignore it. Think of something else. Drink a glass of water. Distract yourself. Pretend the anxiety isn't happening. Lie to yourself! Is this terrible advice? 

• Write about how it's so hard to do anything when you're hungry.

• Write about how you can't think of what to write about. YES! That's it! You've definitely done this before, several times, but woops, too late, you're already writing. You're screenshotting the pizza tracker. We're doing this. Buckle up. 

Aaaaand there's the buzzer. Pizza's here! 

Until next time, 

Margaret

P.S. 

1) Scarf scarf scarf (my version of 'Nom nom nom', which I loathe)
2) I like jalepenos, but not in every dang bite.
3) Think of how many gallons of garlic dipping sauce Domino's must waste each year. 

5 things you don't have to feel guilty about

Of all the human emotions, guilt is probably the worst. Sure, it can be an appropriate response to a genuine wrongdoing, allowing us to recognise our errors and feel remorseful. But for the most part, guilt is misguided, damaging and ultimately unproductive. We spend far too much time feeling guilty when we shouldn't.

Not too long ago, I decided to make a concerted effort to cut guilt out of my life completely. And I'm not going to feel bad about it!

If you find guilt creeping into your psyche far too often, here are just five (of many) scenarios that you no longer need to beat yourself up over:

1. Getting an expensive haircut

"You wear your hair every day."

Those are my aunt Barbara's famous words of wisdom. How right she is! If you feel bad about getting a somewhat high-end haircut, ask yourself if you would spend the same money on a pair of jeans or some new running shoes. Would you? Of course you would, and you only wear those items a couple times a week.

2. Eating carbs

If you're American, this one might seem controversial. If you're not, this one might seem obvious. Either way, it's important to recognise that carbs are OK. They're absolutely fine.

In fact, based solely on my personal experience (and thus, 100% scientific fact) carbohydrates are key to feeling full and satisfied. Without them, you're more likely to get hungry between meals and binge on dry dry drier than dry unsalted almonds.

3. Not sending Christmas cards / Birthday cards

If you find the time and have the motivation, then send away! If it's December 26th and you've completely dropped the ball, rest assured that nobody cares. Cards are fun to get, but most people won't notice if they don't get one.

Same goes for birthdays. If it's your friend's birthday and you haven't sent them anything, just give them a call.

4. Having a slow work day

I've talked about this before. Some days are more productive than others—that's just the cold, hard truth. If you've been staring at that blank Word document for an hour, take a break and walk to your nearest artisan coffee shop. There's no point in trying to force inspiration that isn't there. You'll be better tomorrow.

5. Being a privileged, middle class Westerner

It's easy to look at the lives of less fortunate people across the world and feel guilty about the privilege you were born into. But feeling guilty doesn't change anything. It's also irrational to blame yourself for circumstances you have no control over. Instead of feeling guilty, look for ways you can improve the lives of people around you and try your best to enjoy the life you have (e.g. eating carbs and not whining about feeling guilty).

A privileged British man about to dig into some creamy mashed potatoes. 

Yuck! I hate this post. It feels preachy and very far from the Madgespace brand. Oh well, it's not like I'm going to write another one tonight! HAHAHAHA. Yeah right! I've got TV to watch, fishcakes to eat and dry skin all over my body to scratch.

See ya,
Margaret

P.S. Let's bring back 'yeah right'. It's so sarcastic and sassy, and I feel like it's not as popular as it was in the 90s.

Little things that keep me sane

Life is strange, and the fact that we get through most days without an existential crisis is actually pretty impressive. How do we do it? We build our days around the little things that make us happy.

Here are some little things that I try to work into my daily routine. Feel free to add them to your own routines — I am no hog.

• Candles — I can't sing their praises enough. They're these small cylinders made of wax. A tiny piece of rope runs through the middle of them and pokes out the top. You light the rope and it burns slowly, creating a peaceful ambiance for hours. If you've never owned a candle before, I recommend you go buy one today!

• Coffee — Much like Mr. G, I need a cup 'o joe before I start the day. But I also like to drink coffee when I don't need it. I love the taste, the warmth, the smell and the activity aspect of drinking high quality coffee (I love an activity). 

• Downward Dog — Yoga is the best form of exercise. Why? Because afterward you feel like you've run a 10k AND had an hour's massage. It's fantastic. Unfortunately, I am too lazy and cheap to attend regular yoga classes. Instead, I just do 'Down Dog' for a while in my flat. It seems to do the job.

• Podcasts — Andy makes fun of me because I take my iPod with me when I take out the garbage. It's only a 2-minute journey to the dumpster, but listening to a podcast makes it better! Recently, I've been enjoying the 'This American Life' spinoff, 'Serial' (Note: if you're interested in Serial, make sure to start with the first episode). 

• Reality TV — If television is "chewing gum for the eyes", then reality television is...Starbucks' Tazo® Zen™ tea for the brain? Yes, I think that analogy works. Watching 'Geordie Shore', 'America's Next Top Model' and 'Real Housewives' is an ideal way to quiet the mind. 

• 'To Do' lists — Confession time: I add things that I've already done to my 'To Do' lists just so I can cross them off and feel great about myself. Today I added 'Get haircut' to the list AFTER I returned from the salon and then immediately crossed it off.

I feel like I've written this exact blog post before. Am I running out of material already? This ain't good. Maybe I will start keeping a journal of my daily experiences/encounters/thoughts, like David Sedaris does. 

Something I've come to terms with at the ripe age of 28 is the fact that motivation levels always ebb and flow. Some days you're TCB-ing like Richard Branson, and other days you're writing long 'To Do' lists comprised only of tasks you've already completed. 

Feeling guilty about unproductive days just isn't productive. Instead, enjoy those days and know that your next burst of motivation is just around the corner. Remind yourself that, if you actually had a pressing deadline, you would get the work done. 

As B*Witched would say, c'est la vie!

Cheers,
Margaret

Things NOT to do this autumn

Double double, toil and trouble — take heed of our autumnal warnings. 

What ever you do this autumn, DO NOT:

• Buy a chunky sweater, shrink it and wear it anyway. Uniboob + can't lift your arms without your stomach showing = you not feeling good about yourself.

• Try to make butternut squash soup in a rush. Those gourds are difficult to "peel" and you will cut yourself. 

• Take the garbage out really fast whilst barefoot. You know it's getting too cold for that. Be sensible and slip some shoes on. 

• Drink Starbucks hot chocolate through a straw. It could scald you.

• Use a stencil to carve your pumpkin. Whatever you carve will not look nearly as good without one, and you might mess up and accidentally cut off one of the Jack-o-lantern's teeth, but you'll at least have your dignity. 

• Put a piece of candy corn up your nose.

• Use a leaf blower as a tea pot. 

• Eat a bowl of crunchy leaves.

• Legally change your name to 'Cornucopia'.

• Throw a frozen turkey through your neighbour's window.

Good day, 

Margaret

10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Life

On the hunt for a decent blog topic, I decided to look though my old 'drafts' folder. It contains all the half-written posts my first-world lethargic arse never got around to finish writing. In one of these unfinished posts, I had the nerve to offer life advice! Oh the irony.

Found this gem in my iPhoto library. Have you ever seen anyone so carefree? Please take note of the waterproof footwear.

It looks like '10 Easy Ways to Improve Your Life' was just a bit too ambitious the first time around. I only managed to come up with four. Here they are:

1. Drink all beverages out of a wine glass. Add ice when applicable.

2. Buy nice hand soap that smells incredible.

3. Add butter and a stock cube to couscous when you cook it.

4. Throw stuff away! Don't be a hoarder.

Now, months later, I've mustered up the remaining six.

5. Turn email alert sounds off on your phone/tablet. You check your email often enough anyway. Alert sounds create a false sense of urgency.

6. Keep spools of dental floss everywhere - in your car, desk drawer, bedside table, purse, couch cushion, etc. You never know when you might need it.

7. Buy waterproof footwear (my Mom's #1 piece of advice).

8. Have two types of deodorants on the go at the same time. Switch between them daily. This will stop your pits from getting immune (not science, just a hunch of mine).

9. Read! Force yourself to open a book and read a few pages before bed (even if it's a dystopian sci-fi aimed at teenagers, or the work of your favourite Real Housewife).

10. Do something creative every now and then. Make a homemade greeting card, Mod Podge a piece of IKEA furniture, do a photo scrapbook on Snapfish, decorate a cake, shave a cat. OK, maybe not the last one.

There you have it. You've just been life coached. You may as well call me Gwyneth!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to read Brandi Glanville's memoir.

Cheers,
Margaret