Clap for these hookers

Leicester City won the English Premier League title!

It's a big deal. Crazier than if the Mariners won the World Series. Imagine the Everett AquaSox winning and you're getting closer.

Embed from Getty Images

Yep, those dudes—exhaustedly congratulating each other on a job well done—had a 5000 to 1 chance of winning the league title, and they DID IT.

OK, that's it for today. I need to walk up to Safeway and get something for dinner. Any ideas? Can't do pasta again. Or can I? Maybe I'll just do that.

Goodbye,
Margaret


P.S. Yeesh. The word "exhaustedly" exhausts me.  I'm exhausted now.

P.P.S. By the way, look at the Everett AquaSox logo. Look at that crazy frog. He's so fun. And is the "E" on his hat an upside down version of the retro Mariners' "M"? The whole logo is fun. It's just FUN. Love it! So FUN.

Information for your Saturday

What emoji do you wish existed but doesn't?

A lot of people have expressed to me the need for a 'fingers crossed' emoji. I agree, and I can't believe it doesn't already exist.

Siiiiiiigh. It's one of those post-migraine, achy shoulder, listen to Miley, eat Goldfish crackers, think about going for a walk kind of nights. Despite a nap and some medicine, I'm not 100% myself. As my sisters tell their kiddos, "you know your body" and I indeed know that I'm not firing on all cylinders.

In lieu of a blog topic, I'm going to present a list of unrelated information.

• Andy's in Birmingham (pronounced Birming-um) stalking the English cricket team. His goal is to get a picture with Joe Root aka Rooty (pronounced Roo-teh). 

• I've been perusing retro glassware on Ebay. There's something about vintage drinking glasses that makes me so happy to be alive. 

• Episode 0 of Project Runway season 14 (I know, Tim Gunn must be 150 by now), 'The Road to the Runway', is now available to stream on Lifetime.com (for US viewers). It's the episode where they introduce you to all the designers. Looks like it's going to be a pretty great season. 

• I move into the new apartment next Wednesday. 

• My family has always used Comet to clean the bathtub. First, you shake the abrasive bleach powder out across the tub. You try to get it to stick to the sides, where the dirt ring is most prominent, but it always slides down. Next, you add a bit of water so that the powder turns to paste. Finally, you scour. Down on hands and knees with an industrial brush, you scrub until your knuckles scrape raw and the chemicals begin to eat away at your fingernails. Conclusion: this method sucks. Worst of all, years of Comet-use have taken the varnish off the tub, making it even more susceptible to dirt stains. It's 2015; there must be a better way!

Since I couldn't find a photo of Comet, here's the first England cricket team to tour Southern Australia. 1861

Image via Wikipedia Commons

Goodnight,
Margaret

Tennis elbow

Well, my brother Max and I did the impossible.

We followed through on plans to play tennis.

I said it couldn't be done, but I proved myself wrong. Today we actually got in a car, drove to a tennis court, physically held onto tennis rackets with our real-life hands and hit a blindingly bright, delicious-smelling green ball over a net.

It was fun, but dang if I didn't catch me some tennis elbow. Gots me the tennis elbow real bad.

Serena 

game face

On an unrelated note, I'm going to end tonight's post with some advice. Get ready. Here it goes.

Moods fluctuate. That's OK. It's absolutely fine to feel sad or bored or grumpy for no real reason at all. What's not ok? Acting on those moods.

Being in a 'bad mood' is not an excuse for bad behavior. If you find yourself in a funk, just ride it out. Know that it will pass. In the meantime, distract yourself. Drink a glass of water. Take a nap. Make a paper airplane. Whatever! Just don't think that being in a bad mood earns you additional rights.

Also, try not to cough or sneeze when eating carrots. Half-chewed carrot shards will get stuck in your nasal/throat passage. It's very uncomfortable.

Your wise pal,
Margaret

Get off the fence

"We should really come here and play tennis sometime."

That, I reckon, is the number one thing people say that they never end up following through on. I'm as guilty of this as anyone.

But let's end it now, America. The buck stops here.

Grab your rackets, go to that cute park and play some damn tennis!

Image by Vladsinger via Wikimedia Commons

Also, if you're on the fence about any of the following, here's the nudge you need:

• Build/get a fire pit — YES, do it.

• Quit your job — YES, do it. Try securing another job first though.

• Get bangs (fringe) — NO. Now's not the right time. Wait until autumn when the weather changes. Too hot for bangs right now. 

• Clean out your wallet — It can wait. 

• Go camping — YES, do it. Don't overthink it. Don't overpack.

• Wash your sheets — It can wait. 

• Buy a kayak — YES, do it. 

• Move to a new city — YES, do it.

• Tell whoever you're mad at that you're mad at them — NO. Just don't be mad. Life's too short. 

In other news, I bought a "night shirt" (basically a long, cotton smock) from The Gap. It's very old fashioned. Very ma-in-her-kerchief-and-I-in-my-cap. Like something Laura Ingalls Wilder would wear. I LOVE it. 

Goodnight,
Margaret

This is a pretty surreal commercial

Watch it:




Why do I find it so unsettling? I'm not 100% sure. Here are some theories:

1. The eclectic casting.

2. I had no idea that Arnold Palmer is still alive. For some reason I'd grouped him with old dead athletes from black-and-white-TV-times like Babe Ruth or Joe DiMaggio.

3. It's trying to be funny, but it's not trying hard enough.

4. I have trouble believing that Xarelto is pronounced Zeralto.


Unfortunately for your life, that's it for the blog tonight. I'm off on a spur-of-the-moment trip to Seaside tomorrow and I best be gettin my laundry on. Those sweaters aren't going to Woolite themselves!

Tschuss!

Margaret

Two controversial opinions for the price of FREE

Controversial opinion #1: Russell Wilson is crazy, and not in a good way.

Russell Wilson - so thirsty to be best man at God's wedding. He's not good at hiding the desperation.

Image by Mike Morris via Wikimedia Commons

I'm sure you saw that he said some stuff about his relationship with Ciara, most notably that they're doing it Jesus-style (translation: not doing it at all). That, I don't care about. None of my business. Plus, we all already knew that her goodies stay in the jar. Here's the bit that gives me the heebie-jeebies:

"She's a special girl. I met her I don't know how long ago...five, six months ago. And the funny thing is, I told somebody that's the girl I want to be with before I ever met her. Before I met her, I was like, 'I'm probably going to end up with Ciara.' True story."

OK, big ego much? And then there's this:

"I'll never forget: She was on tour, she was traveling, and I was looking at her in the mirror. I was sitting in the dressing room and she was getting ready to go, about 15 minutes before she went on stage and she was sitting there, and God spoke to me and said, 'I need you to lead her.' And I was like, 'Really? Right now?'

He goes, 'I want you and need you to lead her.'"

Whaaaaa? The self-importance continues:

"For me, I knew that God had brought me into her life to bless her and for her to bless me and to bless so many people with the impact that she has, that I have. We're not gonna be perfect, by any means. Life's not perfect. Nobody's perfect, but he's anointed both of us, and I know that he's calling for us to do something miraculous, something special."

Quick! Get Chris Harrison on the phone! I need a rose to pin on this guy's nose.

Full disclosure: I think RW is a great quarterback, really warmhearted guy and does a lot of wonderful work for charity. He also happens to be a nutjob. And that's OK. It's OK for someone to not fit nicely into a box. People are complex and RW is no exception.

Since this interview, there's been some inevitable backlash and then an even more inevitable backlash against the backlash. I'm here to say that the original backlash is warranted. He cray.

Controversial opinion #2: Prince George's style is whack.

Somebody needs to tell Kate and Wills that this dress-your-kid-up-like-a-collectable-doll thing is gross. Enough with the embroidered blouses, Peter Pan collars, knee socks and buckled brogues! Just stop it. You're embarrassing him.

I genuinely feel for the kid. Unlike other famous British youngsters like Klay Rooney and Cruz Beckham, George is going to look back at childhood photos and have no concept of what the styles were in the 2010s. He's going to be like, "Funny! In 2015, pleated navy shorteralls were totally a thing!"

Also, what impact will his ridiculous fashion have on history? Hundred of years from now, historians will assume that all toddlers dressed like they were going on a weekend yachting trip.


Hope you could handle that. It might not have been easy to read, but to that I say: grow up!

With love,

Grassy

Re: Soccer

Image via Wikimedia Commons

"Did you ever play on a soccer team?" my brother-in-law William asks my mom.

She answers, "You know, I distinctly remember being in the car, my dad was driving, and out the window we saw them. There they all were. Spread out across the field. And we said, 'WHAT is that!?' And it was soccer. We'd never seen it before in our lives."

---

In Edinburgh circa 2011, Andy asked me to play soccer (or "football" as it was called back then) with him and a group of girls he met in the park. I needed the cardio, so I agreed.

We met every Sunday for a few weeks. I was starting to feel pretty confident. I'd never played soccer before, but I could run fast and even stole the ball on a few occasions.

Then, something terrible happened. One night, after the game, Andy asked me, "So, why do you roll the ball in during your throw-ins?"

Uhhhh.

CRAP.

I'd been doing it wrong! I'd been doing it wrong all along! Instead of chucking the ball in a straight-arms, over-the-head heave, I'd been ROLLING IT UNDERHAND back onto the pitch.

How mortifying.

I never returned to Sunday soccer, and I still cringe when thinking about it.

---

YouTube is awash with amazing soccer videos. But this one is the best.

So long,
Margaret

Ram it

Don't you love it when you discover a hilarious video on YouTube completely on your own? A few years ago I was looking for songs with the word 'ram' in them (my spouse's nickname is Ram) and came across this gem.

Things to consider when watching:

• This was an actual NFL team. They're now the St. Louis Rams, apparently. #AmericanFootball

• The guys rapping in the video are the athletes themselves.

• Imagine this happening today. Can you picture Beast Mode rapping to a song called 'Hawk It'?

• The song is really good.

• This should be mandatory for all NFL teams.

Also, after Googling the song I now realize that I'm not the only one whose been fascinated by its existence. Turns out, there are tons of articles about how amazing it is. Still, I'm proud that I came across it organically.

In other news, I went camping and now I'm back. It was great. Here's a brief, chronological summary:

Lake.

Foil dinners.

Campfire.

Tent. 

Hike. 

Game.

Town. 

Campfire. 

Tent.
Deer.
Taco Time. 

Back to the grind tomorrow! Nighty night. 

Love, 

Margaret

A look at sports in your 30s

Tonight I am honoured to welcome a guest blogger out of Kenmore, Washington (by way of Portarlington, Co. Offaly), the one and only Bobby "B-Bop" Fitzpatrick!!!!!!!!

---

Taking heed of advice from a fellow guest blogger, Max Kay, I am going to write about what I know. Right now I am at the beginning of my sporting career’s renaissance, so here you have it—a look at sports in your 30s.

I have recently rejoined my old rugby team after taking a hiatus to play somewhat less competitive rugby. I decided to see if I still have it, after being influenced by a supportive wife and a three-year-old daughter, Keeley, who has just started her own sporting career (she has one season of soccer under her belt—where she played for 5 minutes and spent the rest of the season on the sideline waiting for the post-game snack—and is half way through her first basketball season).

Keeley (right), with one of the opposition.

I am six weeks back into it and I have already dealt with more bumps and bruises than I expected. Having said that, I am thoroughly enjoying myself; I love the competitiveness of practice (known as training to our Irish readers) and I love having to strive to be your best at every game because you are up against quality opposition.

Having played at this level before and knowing what ups and downs a long season has to offer, I feel like I have an edge over my younger teammates. They roll out of bed at 10:30 a.m. on game day whereas I’ve been up since 6 a.m. I’ve fed the kids, mowed the lawn, walked the dog and mentally prepared for the tough match ahead (while watching Sesame Street). I have a new appreciation for the opportunity to play, since it’s a little tougher to fit it in these days. Let’s hope this maturity serves me well—and that I make it to the end of the season in one piece.

Slainte,

Bobby

P.S. I know Madge loves P.S.-ing so I decided to add a few.

P.P.S. I feel I need to elaborate on the inspiration I received from Keeley. At her most recent basketball game, she finished by lying in the middle of the court with her head on her hands, completely exhausted from 45 minutes of 3-on-3 basketball (we were low on numbers that day). From now on, if I’m not panting on the ground at the end of a rugby game, I’ll know I didn’t try as hard as Keeley.

P.P.P.S With regards to my supportive wife….the support may dwindle as the trips to the emergency room continue—I’m six weeks in and two trips deep.

2015 Seattle Mariners Season Preview

Welcome guest blogger Max Kay...

2015 Seattle Mariners Season Preview

Q: How will they do?

A: They should be pretty good.  Last year they won 87 games and were the best team not to make the playoffs (the Oakland A’s and Kansas City Royals went in ahead of them with 88 and 89 wins respectively, and the Royals made the World Series).

Q: Wait, what sport is this?

A: Baseball, the official sport of Madgespace*.

Q: Why do they call it the “World Series” when the whole league is in America?

A: It is not only in America – Canada has one team!  Actually, the championship for Major League Baseball was called the World Series over 100 years ago because the people in charge wanted it to sound like a big deal and it stuck.

Q: OK fine, who are the Mariners’ best players?

A: Their best player is “King” Felix Hernandez, one of the 2-3 best pitchers in the game.  Robinson Cano (second base) joined the team last year and is a perennial All-Star.  Kyle Seager (third base) made the All-Star team last year and is considered a really good young player.  Other notables: Fernando Rodney (closer, 2014 All-Star), Hisashi Iwakuma (starting pitcher).

King Felix, image via Wikimedia Commons

Q: What has changed since last year?

A: They signed Nelson Cruz to be a designated hitter.  Cruz hit 40 home runs last year for the Baltimore Orioles and is expected to be on that above list of best players for this season.  This is a big deal because in recent years the Mariners have been a good pitching/defense team but below average offensively.  Cruz is expected to change that.  They also signed a pitcher, J.A. Happ, but no one really knows what he will bring.  Perhaps their biggest offseason change was the introduction of retro uniforms featuring elements from the late-80s unis that I grew up with.  This made me happy.

Q: Why are there so many games in baseball?  Doesn’t that make each individual game sort of not matter?

A: Each team in Major League Baseball plays 162 regular season games.  Basically, baseball is designed to be played every day.  Consistency and staying healthy are rewarded, and it really does come down to 1-2 games at the end of the season for the good teams (see above for how close the Mariners got to the playoffs last year).  Plus, they can sell a lot of tickets.  American football is the most popular sport in the U.S. in terms of television audiences, but in-person attendance was *only* 17M for the comparatively short football season.  By comparison, last year’s English Premier League attendance was 14M and Major League Baseball attendance was 74M.

Q: What is the Mariner’s mascot?  Why?

A: A moose.  No idea.

Q: What is the best food to get at a Mariners’ game?

A:

BRONZE MEDAL: Garlic fries.  Pro: they smell absolutely terrific.  Con: eat too many and you will taste them for days. 

SILVER MEDAL: Pad thai at the “Intentional Wok” stand behind home plate.  Pro: restaurant-quality, great pun.  Con: the portion is too big.  The ballpark is better for several small snacks throughout the game, and this meal-sized serving is hard to share.

GOLD MEDAL: Brats from the small food cart just on the left side behind home plate. Pro: grilled rather than boiled, these are the perfect incarnation of that iconic ballpark hot dog.  I recommend them with little sauerkraut and spicy brown mustard. Con: None observed.

Q: When does the season start?

A: Beginning of April.  Remember your baseball gloves Margaret, Char, William, Andy, Freddie, Elsie!

* Pending.

Bad fan

If you're keeping up with my 'Annabelle' series, Part 2 will be out next week. If you're not keeping up with it, bloody keep up with it already!!!

In the meantime, let's talk about the Hawks.

Hawk Talk.

Yesterday the Seattle Seahawks, an American football team based over in Washington State (upper left corner, just under Canada—like the West Coast version of Maine) played a game against the Green Bay Packers, a team from a place where cheese is made.

The game started at 8:05pm Edinburgh-time, so we ordered Indian takeaway, got situated under a warm duvet and started streaming the big event.

For almost the entire game, the Seahawks were BAD. Not 'bad' in the 80s slang sense of the word—BAD in the 'not good' sense of the word. With about three minutes left in the game, we were down 7 to 19.

It was hard to watch, and it was a school night. So we went to bed. Better luck next season!

Then, this morning Andy wakes me up.

"You won't believe what happened!!"

"Huh? What?"

"You won't believe it!"

"WHAT!?"

"The Seahawks won!"

"You're lying."

"I swear I'm not lying."

"Shut up."

"It's true!"

"You're lying."

"I'm not!"

"You're lying."

"Nope."

"Andy, if you're lying, I'm going to be so mad."

"I'm not lying."

"You're lying."

It went on like this for a good few minutes before I flipped opened my laptop and saw the headlines with my own eyes. He wasn't lying! The Seahawks pulled off a miracle comeback and won the game in overtime.

The things you can do on Powerpoint...

I know giving up and going to bed makes me a bad fan. There's really no excuse. However, allow me to try:

• I'm thousands of miles away from Seattle. If they had lost, I wouldn't have had the a city's worth of shoulders to cry on. I needed to close the computer and pretend it wasn't happening. 

• I'm actually such a big fan that I couldn't bear the thought of them losing...even if there was a slim chance of them getting back in the game. It was my super-fanness that caused me to call it quits early!

• The Indian food was doing a number on my stomach. 

• I was tired?

OK, ok. None of those are good enough. I've learned my lesson. It won't happen again. You might be mad at me, but remember, I have to live with this. 

Love,
Margaret

For Your Information, Edition 1

Here we go.

'For Your Information' is another recurring blog post theme you can expect to see here on Madgespace from time to time. Each FYI blog post will feature a list of facts that you may find useful.

Image via Wikimedia Commons

For your information, Sunday 19th October 2014

Science

• This University of Washington study shows what amazing observers toddlers are. It's really interesting and also kind of funny.

Around the world

• A Russian submarine has run into trouble off the coast of Sweden. Hmmm....what exactly is it doing there?

Sports

• The Seahawks traded Percy Harvin because apparently he almost broke Golden Tate's neck last year. It's a big deal because he's a really good football player.

• Mario Balotelli missed a wide open shot today. Why always him?

Entertainment

• A new 'Top Chef' (Boston) has started. There's been one episode so far. 

• A new 'Project Runway All Stars' season starts on the 30th of this month.

• The Michael Keaton / Zach Galifianakis / Edward Norton / Emma Stone / Naomi Watts dramedy film 'Birdman' opened in cinemas on Friday. It currently has a 92% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is already garnering Oscar buzz. Watch the trailer.

• The artist formerly known as P!nk is now part of a folk/country duo called 'You+Me'. They've released their first album and recently performed on Ellen.

Celebs

• Missy Elliot is skinny now.

• Beyonce got herself some terrible short bangs (fringe). 

Goodbye, 

Margaret

2014 Ryder Cup: why YOU should tune in

Golf. Even the name is boring.

Golf.

It sounds like a type of bird that builds nests in your drainage gutters and poops all over your driveway.

Or it could just be a word that refers to a long passage of time. "I haven't seen you in golfs!" "Bob has worked at the bank for nearly six golfs, building up a broad range of experience across a large cross section of client sectors."

They could have at least gone with 'golfball'. That would have sounded a bit more enticing, a bit more sporty. Why didn't they go with 'golfball'?

Still, even if you manage to get past the name, golf actually turns out to be pretty boring. Yeah, it does. Exactly as you suspected, it's slow, anticlimactic and the "athletes" don't ever say anything like "When you try me with a sorry receiver like Crabtree, that's the result you gon' get!"

So why then am I urging you to watch the Ryder Cup this year? Because the Ryder Cup is an exception! It's also a gateway tournament. If, like I did for so long, you find golf painfully dull, then the Ryder Cup might be what changes your mind. Before you know it, you'll be shopping for argyle socks and crafting golf tee porcupines for people's Christmas presents.

Allow me to explain (scroll down).

Alex Goro and I at Ten Tiny Tees - Seaside, Oregon 

Reasons to watch the Ryder Cup this year:

✓ Mickelson is throwin' shade

The smack talk has already begun! When asked about the USA team's ability to play as a team, Phil Mickelson responded, "Well, not only are we able to play together, we also don't litigate against each other." ZING!

He's referring to a lawsuit between Rory McIlroy and his former management company, which still represents his former Ryder Cup partner Graeme McDowell (and Rory's major complaint is that they charged McDowell way less than they charged him. McDowell said his and Rory's relationship is "strained", blah blah blah).

✓  It's back where it all began

The first official Ryder Cup was held in 1927 in Massachusetts, but it was six years earlier at Gleneagles (host of this year's Ryder Cup) that the tournament was unofficially born.

✓ Golf's most eligible bachelor is back in form

Yep, Golf's weasel-faced boy genius has ditched his ball 'n chain and seems to be winning again because of it. While engaged to tennis star Caroline Wozniacki, Rory McIlroy was always tweeting annoying photos of them watching movies on the couch and he was NOT playing very good golf. They broke up, and he won two majors back to back.

But don't get too excited, ladies. Rory says that "golf is his girlfriend" for the foreseeable future.

✓ It's the 40th anniversary

OK, it's not a massive milestone. But it's better than saying the "27th" or "43rd" Ryder Cup in history. It's a nice, round number that we can all agree feels a bit more momentous than usual.

✓ Rickie Fowler's hair

Let's just say he's sporting the "Joe Nelson" circa Winter Olympics '06. Take a look.
(Joe is my cousin - I believe he shaved the letters 'U S A' into his hair for the bobsled event in Turin.)

✓ It's a chance for America to be international

My favourite thing about the Ryder Cup is the fact that it's one of the only times the US gets to join in on the international sports conversation and play for national pride.

Yes, there's the Olympics every four years. And this summer the World Cup reached a mainstream American audience for the first time. But for the most part, US sporting events exist in a red, white and blue vacuum. The Super Bowl, March Madness, the "World" Series — every team is ultimately still on Team USA.

Instead of pitting the country's best golfers against each other, like normal, the Ryder Cup pits them against the best golfers in Europe. It turns golf, decisively an individual sport, into a team sport. And it's just crazy enough to work!!

SIGH.

Maybe I convinced you. Maybe I didn't. One thing is for sure though: it's my bedtime.

Nighty night,
Margaret

P.S. Tee-off is at 7:35am tomorrow (Scotland time)