Things NOT to do this autumn

Double double, toil and trouble — take heed of our autumnal warnings. 

What ever you do this autumn, DO NOT:

• Buy a chunky sweater, shrink it and wear it anyway. Uniboob + can't lift your arms without your stomach showing = you not feeling good about yourself.

• Try to make butternut squash soup in a rush. Those gourds are difficult to "peel" and you will cut yourself. 

• Take the garbage out really fast whilst barefoot. You know it's getting too cold for that. Be sensible and slip some shoes on. 

• Drink Starbucks hot chocolate through a straw. It could scald you.

• Use a stencil to carve your pumpkin. Whatever you carve will not look nearly as good without one, and you might mess up and accidentally cut off one of the Jack-o-lantern's teeth, but you'll at least have your dignity. 

• Put a piece of candy corn up your nose.

• Use a leaf blower as a tea pot. 

• Eat a bowl of crunchy leaves.

• Legally change your name to 'Cornucopia'.

• Throw a frozen turkey through your neighbour's window.

Good day, 

Margaret