Why does your penis look like that?

That's what my nephew Freddie asked my sister Char as he pointed to her nipple.

"Mom, why does your penis look like that?"

I tell ya. Kids say the darndest things. Remember that show with Bill Cosby? To be honest, I didn't care for it much at the time, and that was before we all knew what we know now.

Went with a photo of a male nipple because of that damn double standard!!!!!!!!!!

Image by Xpoirotx via Wikimedia Commons

When my sister Anna was little, she pointed at a naked lady in the swimming pool locker room and said to my mom very loudly, "That lady as a BIG bottom!" And she was right. The lady did have a very large, very naked bottom. What could Nadinski do other than shake her head, give the lady an 'oh kids' look and scoot out of there as fast as possible?

Parents more than make up for their toddler's embarrassing honesty during the teenage years. Prime example: my mom bringing the camcorder to church and filming me being an alter girl. St. John Vianney had groomed me with the promise of a pizza party. Before I knew it I was donning a white robe and holding a giant bible for some B-team, no-parish-wants-him, pot-belled schmuck priest. I was half asleep, my hair was dripping wet from the shower and Nadinski had the nerve to capture it all on video.

When I have kids, I won't be embarrassing. I'll play it cool. I'll "get" it. But Andy? Him, I'm worried about. He'll be that dad. The dad with the bad puns. The dad that teases them about having a boyfriend. The dad who volunteers to chaperone school dances. The dad who blares Backstreet Boys as he picks them up from softball practice. He'll really be awful. Our poor future children.

Unrelated: is 'Can't Make You Love Me' by Bonnie Raitt the best karaoke ballad of all time? My cousin Maria says she sang it in New York at a karaoke dive bar and it brought the house down.

Love,
Margaret

Black skinny jeans will come back to haunt us

I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you, but someone had to.

I wear them every day. I have three pairs. Still, I'm woman enough to admit that we will all look back on black skinny jeans and think we look sooooo dated and ridiculous.

Francie was actually the one who brought it up.

"So,  like 10 years from now are we going to look at pictures of us wearing black skinny jeans and think they look dated?" she asked me.

"Yes, but it will be in five years."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"OK. But will we think they're unflattering?"

"Yes."

"But they're so cute!"

"No they're not. They aren't actually flattering or cute."

"What!?"

"I know, I know. We just think they are. We can't see past it. That's the nature of these things."

You might be skeptical, but it wasn't that long ago that I thought a spaghetti strap tank top + bootcut jeans + black heels = BEST GOING OUT LOOK EVER!

Enjoy them while you can, 

Margaret

P.S. If Mayweather wins on Saturday, he's going to post Suge Knight's $10-million bail. 

Things our kids won't have to deal with

Here we go, here we go, here we go again! Another guest blog post for your reading pleasure, and tonight it's from Kenmore's resident kidney expert, Francie Louise Fitzpatrick!!!

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Things our kids won't have to deal with

1. Passwords. By the time our kiddos are grown, all logins will require face recognition or a fingerprint for access. No more forgetting and having to reset that dang Apple ID password.

2. Driving their own car. What a treat it’ll be to sit back, nap and arrive at a destination refreshed and ready to go.

3. The Internet cutting out or going slow. Why oh why do I still have to hold the reset button down on our modem/router every few months? This is unacceptable.

4. Cable TV. OK, I know people are already cutting this out of their lives, but what about live sports? How do you do that? I can’t live without access to Zag/Mariners’ games!

5. Laundry. Fingers crossed for this one, as I haven't quite figured out how it’s going to work. Perhaps everyone will have their own robot who will wash/dry/fold laundry?

Image by amboo who? via Flickr

6. Phone calls. This is particularly exciting when you think our kids won't have to allot the 20 minutes I just spent booking in our car for a service, calling the vet about a refill on our dog's thyroid medication, and talking to the Group Health consulting nurse about the rash my daughters have. The phone call is almost already completely gone. Even now we already know who's calling us so we can decide if we want to answer or not. Remember when caller ID first came out? That was wi-ld. I think it’s good that we'll be able to book everything online, but bad that my hour-long conversations with my cousin Maria will probably slip by the wayside, as we'll be too out of practice to keep the convo up for that long.

7. Thinking, in general. This is also pretty much gone. Even Keeley, my 3½-year-old, who’s basketball-playing abilities were discussed in yesterday’s post, is already starting to realize this. Here’s a snippet from last night’s discussion about the moon (something we talk about at least 10 times a day): "

"What's the moon made of?"— Keeley.

"Ummm rocks and dirt and…stuff…I don't really know..." I trailed off.

"Just look it up, Mom." — Keeley, completely unaccepting of my lame response and exasperated that I hadn't thought of Google already. 

Or, here’s an idea—it’s possible that our kids will have to think even more to set themselves apart from the masses. Everyone will have access to all the Googling they’ve ever desired (plus Internet search methods yet to come), so creative and unique answers will be highly rewarded. 


Obviously, most of these are just little luxuries that I think our kids will get to enjoy. Let's hope the world works first on bigger problems, like maybe war/guns/poverty, but after we overcome those, let’s agree to move on to the list above (preferably starting with laundry). 

OK, this turned out a lot whinier than I planned, but in true Madgespace style, I’m not going to change it. I will attempt to leave things on a high note though (pun intended). Here’s a video from my sister Anna’s birthday party a few nights ago where we set off a Thai lantern. Stick with it and you’ll catch some talk about the moon (ahem, Keeley), a certain dog going to the bathroom on the beach (ahem, Dessie) and lots and lots of tips for getting the lantern to launch (ahem, everybody).

 

Cherrio! 

Francie

Baby you can drive my car

OK, stop refreshing the E Online Oscars page hoping that the live red carpet feed will start and read this instead.

It's blustery as the dickens here in Edinburgh. As I type this I'm looking out the window at a woman desperately trying to hold her umbrella in a way so that it doesn't flip inside out. Hey lady, it's never going to work! Accept defeat, bin that brolly and embrace the icy breeze. Quit fretting over that £2 parasol, put your hood up and sprint!

The cold weather dries out my skin twice over. First, the lack of air moisture sucks the life out of them. Then all those hot showers I'm forced to take to warm up only exacerbates things. My hands are so dehydrated that they don't even feel like mine anymore. Touching one set of fingers with the other feels like petting a corpse. GAWD, these hands are parched! PARCHED.

But that's not what I came here to discuss.

Today I'd like to talk about driverless cars.

Apparently they'll be here before we know it, and I say, bring them on! Less traffic. Fewer car crashes. Not so much pollution. Also, imagine being able to watch last night's episode of RHOBH during your commute to work. The dream!

Image via Mark Doliner via Wikimedia Commons

Need convincing? Listen to this piece of audio from back in 2009 when I damned near almost fell asleep at the wheel. I could have seriously used a driverless car back then. Also, after listening to this, it's amazing that there was ever a time when I didn't know the term "vocal fry".



But what about road trips? What about going where the wind blows? What about the joys of navigating the wide open highway, thumbs tapping on the steering wheel to a sweet country jam on the FM radio?

I don't think we'll lose that. In fact, road trips will become even more romantic and aspirational in an era of driverless cars. So accustomed to sitting in our vroom-vroom-robot-pods, old school human-driven cars will be super classy and vintage. Sure, our driving skills will be hellza rusty, but that doesn't matter out on those empty country freeways.

Oh my god my HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I must go get the lotion.

Happy trails,
Margaret

P.S. In the UK they don't say "lotion". They say "moisturiser".

Where the H is my Robot Vacuum?

Hi,

Why on God's green earth is there not a robot vacuum scooting around my flat right now? Why isn't there a flying car parked in the driveway (besides the fact that I don't have a driveway)?

These things have been invented.

YEARS AGO.

Hmm, I wonder where they came up with

the idea for this robot vacuum's design (R2-D2)

Flying car= Amazing thing

So, why have they not broken into the mainstream? The vacuum (I always Google that word to make sure I spell it right because it's just so weird with the two 'u's) I can understand. It probably doesn't get into the corners very well and scares dogs/cats.

However, the flying car seems like an ideal solution to traffic and unreliable public transportation. I just don't get it. Maybe with all the hubbub about Global Climate Change (or as it was called in my day "Global Warming") the flying car seems like a step backward? I guess as soon as someone invents a solar-powered flying car we'll be in business. OR, wow- I just came up with this- why not wind power? It makes sense. It flies through the sky where there's always plenty of wind. DERN, I'm good.

Anyhoo, check out the other things that have been invented and ignored:

The perfectly-portioned one-click butter dispenser.

One-wheeled motorcycle (invented in 1931).

Drawers inside the stairs?! My mind has just been blown.

You'll never have to curl your toothpaste tube up again!

Check out more cool inventions from ye ol' days at BoredPanda. They are all pretty wonderful.

TGIF tomorrow!!! It happens every week, yet it never ceases to be exciting as all get out. FRIDAY, folks. FRIDAY. It's the best.

Love,

Margaret

Aging

Yo yo ma,

The other day I had the misfortune of viewing three of my idols, Joshua Lyman, Toby Ziegler and President Josiah Bartlett, in a YouTube video of a commercial they shot years after the West Wing ended. I was stunned by Josh's sagging jowls and Toby's sunken cheeks. To be frank, they looked like they had one foot in the grave. They looked over the hill. They looked OLD.

Here- check it out yourself.



Since watching the video the first time I have recovered from my shocked and realized that when the video was shot a significant amount of time had passed since their youthful West Wing days. It's the same as when you see any celebrity years down the road. I remember seeing a video of Judy Garland in her later years and being stunned by her wrinkles and gravelly voice.

Guess who this is?



SHIRLEY TEMPLE!!!

She's the last person you'd suspect would get old. But she did. We all do. And you know what? I am OK with it. I'm looking forward to aging gracefully like a wise old Japanese woman (better start drinking some green tea) and I can't wait to not give a rat's arse about anything because I've "been everywhere" and "seen it all." Exciting!

I have, however, laid out a few ground rules for my personal aging process. I advise you to follow suit.

1. Moisturize the face frequently
2. Never give up wearing colors and patterned prints
3. Play chess and do crosswords to keep the mind buzzing
4. Avoid wearing "young persons clothes" such as low-rise jeans after the age of 40, but never shop at stores solely aimed at the middle-aged, such as Talbots.
5. Remain open to learning new technologies
6. Never have hair longer than shoulder length after the age of 50
7. Smile as much as possible
8. Exercise, even if it just means swimming because the joints can't take running or walking
9. Travel to warm climates and soak up the vitamin D
10. Dance to tunes from the good ol' days
11. FLOSS and brush the teeth often. Toothaches are THE WORST

Well, I am going to scan the blogs and then hit the hay. Also, I am back on Twitter now. I didn't break from Twitter like Amanda Bynes or Miley Cyrus (both of whom are back on it now), but I simply forgot about it completely. I've been tweeting tonight and enjoying it. Look out for @grassyllama if you know what's good for you.

TTFN,

Madge

The olden days were WEIRD.

My friend Will showed me this video and I was struck by two things while watching it:

1. The olden days were WEIRD

2. I have seen my mother (Nadinski Montbrosis, as she's known on Facebook) do that exact dance that they do at the end...leg to the side, arms swinging, foot bent up toward the sky.

For my dissertation I have read a lot about how the internet is ruining our lives. These people talk about simpler days, before we became addicted to technology. Well, this video is my rebuttal. You cannot watch this it and still claim that modern technology has been a curse on our culture. The RIDICULOUSNESS of those dance moves/attempts at special effects proves just how far we've come. Also, the internet should also be revered for providing us a portal (in this case, a Will Portal) into a time and place to which we shall never, ever, return. On top of that, this is high-quality entertainment. I was DYING the first time I watched it (and the 17 other times as well).

What will we find weird when we look back on it years from now? There are the obvious answers: ugg boots, Ke$sha, Oprah, frappucinos, TV news ... but I bet there's something that is just too "cool" now to predict it ever being seen as weird.

Anyhoo, I am about to go walk along the beach with ol' Rammy Rampog. Gotta love feeling the misty sea air on your face. Gotta gotta love it.

Cheerio,

MmAaRrGgAaRrEeTt