Madgespace Tribune

My days, these days, are spent doing three things.

• Working

• Taking baths 

• Watching TV

There's little time for anything else. However, I've managed to keep up with all the important news stories thanks to that annoying ticker on the right side of my Facebook feed. 

Here's a recap in case you missed them.

A 7-year-old newsie in Alabama in 1914. What were you doing when you were seven!?!

Image via trialsanderrors via Flickr

NEWS: Teenagers are suctioning shot glasses to their faces and taking snaps of their swollen lips for the #KylieJennerChallege.

MY THOUGHTS: All kids have to learn this lesson at some point in their lives. Suctioning a cup, Nalgene water bottle or pickle jar lid to your face will leave a massive red mark around your lips. In fact, in America today, a different kid suffers an accidental, self-inflicted face hickey every three seconds. This Kylie Jenner thing may actually end up raising awareness of the detriments of face-vacuuming so that bored teenagers don't have to discover them the hard way.



NEWS: New Zealand Prime Minister John Key has apologized for pulling a waitress' hair (aka "a bit of banter").

MY THOUGHTS: The punishment should fit the crime. He should be forced to grow a rat tail and have Keri Russell yank it a few times. Because she was in that movie Waitress (duh).



NEWS: Netflix is going to air a Full House spinoff called 'Fuller House'.

MY THOUGHTS: Jodie Sweeten is returning, which is all that matters. I'm predicting that 'The Sign' by Ace of Base will be playing in the background of one of her scenes (on the car stereo or in the supermarket) as a hilarious in-joke for all us Full House diehards. In fact, this will definitely happen. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

That's all the news from Lake Woebegone.

Speaking of Lake Woebegone....woe is me; it's time I be gone to bed. AMAZING. I am AMAZING.

Nighty noodle,

Margaret

P.S. I hate Garrison Kiellor.

P.P.S. I don't know. Maybe he's good. But I'll never be able to shake my pavlovian BORED TO SOBS reaction to Prairie Home Companion. As a child in the backseat of a black Suburban, I would pray for anything but that damn Garrison Kiellor. Car Talk, Wait Wait, All Thing Considered—anything but that pretentious, breathy, Midwestern voice waffling on about the dullest shite imaginable.