OK, so that's what an infected tooth canal smells like

Vomit, rotting flesh, cat urine, raw sewage, fish guts, skunk anus, post-Italian dinner morning breath, garbage, stagnant water, wet dog, spoiled milk, burnt hair—that's what the inside of an infected tooth canal smells like. 

How do I know? Because today I smelt it (and dealt it) as I lay in horror on the dentist's chair.

The dentist: "And that smell is telling us that there is indeed an infection in there!"

Me: "Ah, uh huh."

She carved out my canal and squirted it with disinfectant. Then I sat up, rinsed and said goodbye as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. 

But I was shaken. How could my body turn on me like that? Why, it's not my body at all, but just a complex congregation of cells that act purely in their own self interest. 

GOOD HEAVENS IT STANK. Shamefully, appallingly, dry-heavingly bad. I knew teeth were a problem, but I had no idea they were capable of such carnage. 

Actually, you know what, I can't write anymore. I'm too disgusted with myself to carry on. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot shower and then lay completely still under the covers contemplating the meaning of life. 

Toodle do, 

Margaret

Long in the tooth

Not my teeth.
Image by dozenist via Wikimedia Commons

Teeth are such a buzzkill. Always having to be brushed, flossed and doted upon. The dreaded dentist appointments. The sensitive toothpaste. The fillings. The root canals. ENOUGH ALREADY. Let's be honest, teeth are a problem. They're a bloody medieval annoyance. It's 2014—isn't it time we find a solution?

Well, you might be surprised to hear the answer already exists. Scientists at Kings College London and the University of Leeds have invented a way to reverse tooth decay. They've done it!

From the article:

Nigel Pitts from the Dental Institute at King's College London said, "The way we treat teeth today is not ideal - when we repair a tooth by putting in a filling, that tooth enters a cycle of drilling and re-filling as, ultimately, each "repair" fails. Not only is our device kinder to the patient and better for their teeth, but it's expected to be at least as cost-effective as current dental treatments. Along with fighting tooth decay, our device can also be used to whiten teeth."

WHAT!? Why isn't this being rolled out in dentist offices everywhere!? Maybe it's because fixing tooth decay permanently will mean a lot less business for dentists. I'm no conspiracy theorist, but if the dental crown fits...

BB and D

Every family has its colloquialisms, its own set of slang that you gradually learn nobody outside your extended family says. We have:

• Gunders (underwear)
• Toe-do (large green garbage can, or "rolly bin" if you're British)
• Hukilau (thingamajig)
• Sloboblian (extended form of "slob")
• Vivian butancles (your bottom)
• Po-to (poached eggs and toast)
• Pudin (term of endearment/vagina) 

Another one we have is 'BB and D', which stands for 'bad breath and dogs', which basically means really really really bad breath. Sometimes we sing it to the tune of "and many more" (what you sing after at the end of the 'Happy Birthday' song): bad breath and doggggggs!

The New Deal

Today my niece Keeley was brushing her teeth in the living room of the rental flat they're staying in.

Anna: "Keeley, do you brush your tongue?"

Keeley: "Yeah." She sticks out her tongue and brushes it. 

My mom: "You know, that's a new deal. You never used to hear about brushing the tongue. That's a new deal."


What are your tooth-related anecdotes? How often do you floss? Let me know in the comments!

Love,
Margaret