You mean this ol' thing?

BAAAAAAACK! And I said "tap-tap" so get out of my seat.

Becky with the good hair.

'Here's what I've been up to since those two video blogs exhausted me into hibernation six months ago.

• Taking lunchtime baths

• Accusing Andy of being a bad driver

• Getting accused by Andy of being a bad driver

• Jumping in the Puget Sound

• Doing high-kicks during evening walks around the neighborhood

• Googling "Brazilian Butt Lift Celebrities." I even started a blog post about it that I never finished...see below.

I Can't Stop Googling Brazilian Butt Lifts

Yep. Of all the controversial topics to bring me out of retirement, this is it. Trust me, I'm as not surprised as you are.

The other day, whilst browsing the 'Bravo Real Housewives' subreddit, I came across a post discussing whether any of 'the wives' might have had a Brazilian Butt Lift procedure.

Now, I've heard of Brazilian Butt Lifts before, and in the back of my mind I've always known that the Kardashian-inspired, bubble booty trend of the 2010s must involve plastic surgery, but I've never truly confronted the reality of the Brazilian Butt Lift until now.

After scrolling through various Google image searches and many horrendous post-op photographs, I'm equal parts disgusted and amazed. I find these augmented butts both hideous and beautiful. The idea of people carving bits of fat out of their arms in order to sculpt and adhere an oversized cartoon bottom onto their actual bottom is FASCINATING. In a way, it's art.

Butt Lifts are also proof that being stick thin is not cool anymore. Scrawny butts are so two thousand and eight. These days, it's all about the waist trainers and butts made of repurposed skin. Perhaps these celebs are onto something. Perhaps it's time we all "upcycle" our muffin tops. 

• Eating fake sausage mixed with roasted vegetables mixed with rice pilaf

• Using napkins as toilet paper (with plans to buy toilet paper soon)

• Keeping my ingrown toenail at bay

• Wearing shorts

• Wearing Kylie-inspired lipstick

• Working 

In other news, RHONY is back. Jo Jo is coming to Bumbershoot. The Mariners' CEO quit. The viaduct is closed for two weeks. The sun is out. I ordered more essential oils for the diffuser. Nobody can shut up about Donald Trump. My sister had a baby named Harry. I cleaned my water bottle. Andy discovered JCrew and puts the emphasis on the J ("How come you never told me about JAY-crew before?"). Rob Kardashian lost 50 pounds. Summer is just around the corner.

Back in a bit, 

Margaret

The most hated woman on the planet

It has to be the Ben/Jen nanny, right?

She wins the title this week at least. As much as I'd like to say I'm staying out of it, I've accidentally formed an opinion: I don't like her.

Other important celebrity gossip at the moment includes:

• Random couple alert: Move over Beth Frankel and Cam from Modern Family, there's a new odd couple in town! Ed Sheeran and Nicole Scherzinger are allegedly dating. If you think that's weird, you're right. But here's some context for you: Nicole Scherzinger is 500 times more famous in the UK than she is here. They think she's a major bigtime iconic Hollywood superstar. Also, in other Ed Sheeran news, he just got a huge Cecil the lion tattoo on his chest. 

• Major snub alert: Chandler and Joey weren't invited to Jennifer Aniston's wedding. But what about Günther? 

• Politics alert: The Kardashians are Team Clinton. 

Another short post tonight because I've been busy swiping through Tinder all evening (not mine, of course). It's addicting. And time consuming! I seriously think there's a market for being a 'professional swiper' for people who want to outsource their Tinder duties. It takes forever because many of the people are TERRIBLE. Note to guys out there: if you're older than 27, you need to stop with the skater boi look. Same goes for the uber hipster look. GROW UP.

Ooh! The police are strolling down Alki Ave telling people the park is closed. That's my cue to hit the hay. 

Nighty night, 

Margaret 

P.S. When my Grandma talks about online dating she says so-in-so "called online and got a boyfriend." She's always recommending that single people "call online" to find themselves a spouse.

Newsflash

Busy making the most of your life? Doing activities? Enjoying the sunshine? Well, pin a rose on your nose. While you've been gallivanting around town, I've been scouring the Internet for the week's top news stories.


→  If you have blue eyes, then you're probably an alcoholic. Sorry! Don't shoot the messenger. If you have a problem with this hypothesis, then take it up with those yahoos over at University of Vermont.

Image by 8thstar via Wikimedia Commons

→  Scott Disick, husband to Kourtney Kardashian, was spotted canoodling* with some 25-year-old stylist in France. Uh oh. Let's just say, I called it.  

*Note: canoodle doesn't mean chat.


→  The 'Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp' trailer came out today. Everybody's very excited and rightfully so.



→  Matt Damon has a ponytail now. Bless him.



And with that, I'm going to bed. Day two of babysitting starts bright and early tomorrow.


Cheerio,
Margaret

Should I sleep outside tonight?

Before I answer that, let's get something out of the way up front. Kim Kardashian was on 'Wait Wait Don't Tell Me' over the weekend and I only found out about it today! I feel like the oldest lady on the block. Or the youngest. Or whatever age would mean I'm not up on the latest NPR/Kardashian news.

I just listened to it. She did OK. I felt proud of her. Overall, I think this was a good thing for NPR. A reminder that public radio can let its hair down and brush shoulders with us reality-TV-watching, toenail-biting, Triscuit-binging schmucks every once in a while.

On to more pressing matters—should I sleep outside tonight?

When I worked at summer camp in the south Puget Sound, I slept outside every night. It was so serene, falling asleep under the stars and waking up with the birds. I CRAVE that feeling. Thinking about it gives me an achy breaky heart.

The stars? Or a close-up of Andy's shoulders when he's wearing a black sweater? HEY-OH! Snap!

Image via Wikimedia Commons

A few summers ago, I was struck with a similar wave of nostalgia. Andy and I were in his hometown, Hampton-In-Arden. It was June 21st, which he kept referring to as "midsummer". I disagreed but didn't question him because I liked the way he kept going on about it. "What a lovely midsummer evening. Isn't there something so wonderful about midsummer. Midsummer is my favourite time of the year, tra la la, tweedley deedley doo!" 

In honor of midsummer and the warm weather—a scorching high of 65°F—we decided to sleep outside. We built a tent out of blankets in his mom's back garden. Just as we were dozing off into our midsummer night's dreams, we were jolted awake by a terrifying, high-pitched SHRIEEEEK! The shrillest, most spine-curdling screaming you've ever heard in your life.

As quick as you can say "Midsummer is my favourite time of the year, tra la la, tweedley deedley doo!" we were back in the house, the doors locked and the windows shut tight.

The next morning, his mom told us it was foxes doing mating calls. We Googled it, and she was right.



Maybe I'll sleep outside tomorrow and post a video blog from my sleeping bag. We don't have foxes, but we do have a few neighborhood cats, which is obviously even worse. Still, I think I'll take my chances.

Sweet dreams,
Margaret

Cracker aisle glory

I'm sure you're still reeling from Rob Kardashian's latest Instagram post, but take a break from your speculating to read tonight's post.

It's about crackers.

America has a lot wrong with it. Guns. Healthcare. Ill-fitting jeans. But the one thing it does better than any other country in the world: CRACKERS!

In the UK, they don't even have crackers. Well, not really. They have crisps and oatcakes and Ryvita Thins and "savoury biscuits". They  have very buttery, Ritz-style things that are richer than a flourless fudge cake. You can eat a couple, but a plateful will make you ill. And I suppose they have these things called "cream crackers" that are like Saltines minus the salt. They're so flavorless that the Brits butter them. Yep, they spread butter on their crackers in the UK and then they eat them, just like that.

So you can imagine my excitement when I walked down the cracker aisle at QFC today. I felt like Templeton from Charlotte's Web. What a smorgasboard!

• Triscuits!
• Wheat Thins!
• Cheeze-Its!
• Cheese Nips!
• Ritz!
• Saltines!
• Ak-Maks!
• Club Crackers!
• Pita Bites!
• Goldfish!

The list goes on and on. Also, each of the above has at least two variations, even if it's just a reduced-salt version and a regular version. According to my calculations, there 12 flavors of Goldfish crackers. Count 'em.

1. Original
2. Cheddar
3. Parmesean
4. Graham
5. Cheddar Colors
6. Xtra Cheddar
7. Wild White Cheddar
8. Slammin' Sour Cream & Onion
9. Xplosive Pizza
10. Burstin' BBQ
11. Nacho Cheese
12. Queso Fiesta

Image by Pennybinary via Flickr

If variety is the spice of life, then the cracker aisle is the spiciest place on earth.

And now, for the inevitable question: are you a Triscuit person or a Wheat Thin person? I picked a side a long time ago, but I forget which side I picked. I think  it was Wheat Thins, because they're easier to consume in large quantities. But the truth is, I like them both.

Cheers,
Margaret

I could do that!

Do you ever have the moments when you think, "Wait a second. I could do that!"

It happens when products, services or people don't warrant their success. Or when they don't quite cut the mustard.

And I'm not talking about things like the Kardashians. You can argue about whether they deserve to be famous, but you can't argue "Hey, I could do that!" You couldn't do that. Why not? Well, you're not a set of attractive, Armenian-American siblings who grew up in Beverly Hills, whose dad was O.J. Simpson's defense lawyer and whose stepdad is a two-time gold-medal-winning Olympian. You also aren't willing to do the nasty with Brandy's brother and film it.

You might not rate the Kardashians, but you couldn't replace them. The only people who are qualified to be the Kardashians are the Kardashians.

What I'm talking about is when you genuinely could do a better job than the person doing it or create a superior product than what's out there.

Here's a handful of "I could do that" epiphanies I've had recently and in the past:

• Write jokes for the Oscars. I wouldn't be the best, but I'd be better than whoever put together that briefcase bit for NPH. 

• Produce a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap podcast. Yes, I listen to one. And no, it's not good. Char and I could record our Wednesday phone conversations and it would be way better.

• Write a Black Eyed Peas song. When the bar is set at listing the days of the week (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday...), it would be hard not to improve upon their recent work. 

• Manage a concessions stand at British sporting events. You know what the food and beverage options are available at an English Premier League match? Meat pie and beer. That's it. As an American, I'm automatically qualified to introduce our friends across the pond to the concept of choices. 

• Create a delicious dip for chips (crisps) to sell in supermarkets everywhere. I can't take full credit for this one. It's a family recipe, and my aunt Peg Pad Pad is the best at making it. But let me tell you, Padden Family Cream Cheese Dip is the stuff of legends. Secret ingredient? Pickle juice. Sounds gross, but actually tastes delicious. If you thought Tostitos Salsa Con Queso (cheese dip) had the dip market sealed up, you thought wrong. 

• Write pedicure advertisements displayed in men's restrooms at the airport. OK, this one might seem hyper specific, but just LOOK at the advert Andy snapped a photo of in Edinburgh airport last weekend:

Did you catch that? 

It says: "Pedicures and manicures offer the most effective means of stopping feet looking tramp-like."

TRAMP-LIKE.

Dear airport pedicurists, hire me! My rates are competitive and I can think of at least seven alternatives to "tramp-like". Stanky, for example. You can have that one for free. 

Anyway, where was I? Why did I find myself defending the Kardashians for the millionth time? I promise, I'm not even a huge Kardashian fan. They just happen to come up in discussions a lot.

Probably best to wrap things up now. 

Let me know situations when you've thought "I could do that!"

Cheers,
Margaret

P.S. I'll admit it. This post is a bit tramp-like. 

10 essentials to help you hibernate this winter

I find it really difficult to shave my legs in the winter. The process itself is annoying in any season (bending down in my cramped shower, having to be careful around the ankle, water gradually getting colder...). But in winter, the main struggle is motivation. I wear jeans every day, so it's hard to be bothered with the whole dang rigamarole.

I was just reading about Bruce Jenner in US Weekly. It said he was recently spotted around town sporting a pair of freshly shorn pegs. Oh Bruce. Do whatever makes you happy, but why start with shaving the legs? It's the biggest pain in the arse ever. Don't let society pressure you into thinking hairless legs is some sort of hallmark of feminine beauty.

OK winter, let's do this. 

Anyway, enough about all that. I promised you a stereotypical top-ten blog post, and that's what you're going to get. Here it goes. Essential items for your winter survival.

1) Electric Kettle — If you're British, you definitely already have one. If you're American, maybe you only have a stove-top kettle. Get with the times. Don't wait eight minutes for water to boil—you need tea fast, and often.

2) Hot water bottle — When I was younger (but probably still too old for this) I used to dress up my hot water bottle and call it my baby. My warm, snuggly, faceless rubber baby.

3) Vita bath — Hands down the best bath gel on earth. It smells of fresh pine trees. Or, as Andy put it, "It smells like the definition of clean."



4) Pretzels — Stock up on lots of pretzels, and various items to pair them with (dips, cheese, peanut butter, etc.). It's important to snack a lot during winter, because you're cold and bored. Get under the covers, get a good show up on your laptop and treat yourself to tea and snacks. Change the sheets whenever the crumbs start to inhibit your sleep.

5) Candles — Exhibit A.

6) Potatoes (large)— Baked potatoes ('jacket potatoes' if you're British) are the perfect winter dinner. Lots of delicious carbs to keep you warm. Top it with beans, cheese and bits of bacon (if you're a carnivore).

7) Theraflu® (Lemsip if you're British)— Drinkable medicine for those nasty winter colds. Please note: don't try to eat the powder raw. See the video below of a weird long-haired girl learning that lesson the hard way.

8) Reddit — If you're still scrolling through Buzzfeed for your daily fix of amusing web content, go ahead and stop. It's time to graduate to Reddit, which isn't as scary or confusing as you think. It's also where all decent Buzzfeed stories come from, before they're chopped up and spun into ridiculous clickbait about why the 90s were great. You don't have to sign up for an account or participate in any discussions to find Reddit a useful source of news and entertainment. I'm not saying it doesn't have it's flaws, but it certainly beats Buzzfeed, Gawker, Upworthy or any of that other nonsense.

Oh, and you need it for winter because you'll be spending even more time indoors, on the computer.

9) Kindle — Because you're not going to emerge into the wind, hail, sleet and snow to hit up Barnes & Noble (Waterstones if you're British). And don't give me that "I just love the feel and smell of an actual book" crap. We get it, you're classy. But the truth is that Kindles make reading super convenient, and you end up reading more because of it. On those blustery winter days, knowing that the entire Hunger Games trilogy is residing in your e-Reader is a very secure feeling.

10) Matches — For lighting candles (see above), fumigating the bathroom after a particularly smelly number two (you can't crack the window, it's too cold out there!) and, for those of you lucky enough to have a fireplace, building a lovely crackling fire to cosy up next to. Unlike the Kindle, when it comes to creating fire, a classic approach is best. Forget those fancy butane lighters. Head to the shop and pick up a box of wooden stick matches.

What are your winter must-haves?

Wiedersehen,
Margaret

In too depp

I debated about making Johnny Depp's intoxicated award show speech the subject of tonight's blog. It's wrong to take pleasure, or even just interest, in someone else's pain.

But then I thought, hey, who am I to say the guy has a problem? Really! Who am I to assume that he has some sort of serious issue, just because he did one drunk/high speech at an awards show? If anything, I owe him the benefit of the doubt.

Instead, I'm going to assume he ate one too many amaretto-soaked cherries and give him a pass. Maybe it really was just one of those nights. Let's hope so.


 

This actually brings up a larger issue that I've been going back and forth on for a while now. Celebrities: is it mean to make fun of them? Or is it fine because 1) it was their choice to enter the public eye and 2) they're rich.

Also—secret option three—they're ridiculous people.

Yikes! Looks like that guy J-Lo used to be married to. The one who sang, "I need to know. I need to know. Tell me baby girl cuz I need to know. I need to know. I need to know. Tell me baby girl cuz I need to know."

Image via micadew via Wikimedia Commons

For the most part, I don't feel bad poking fun at the rich and famous. But sometimes our celeb gossip culture brings out the high horse hypocrite in me. For example, when I think too long about TMZ, I sink into a deep, dystopian depression. Is this really the best us humans can do? Sure, the celebs are awful, but those TMZ folks are THE WORST. And when I see articles about Amanda Bynes being crazy, I feel a bit like: come on, let's give it a rest. 

I actually think this moral conundrum is the reason why I like the Kardashians. They clearly wanted fame for fame's sake, so I can "take the mickey" out of them completely guilt free! It's not like they're brilliant actors who happened to land in a world of paparazzi and red carpets. The only goal they ever had was to be famous. And they totally own their fame whorishness. They wear it with pride. Even when they're upset about how they're portrayed in the public eye, they're only pretending to be upset to create drama for their reality show! It's so wonderfully contrived. We all know where we stand.

Breakdown of the  Kardashian's relationship with the public

Them

• The trade-off: Being ridiculed and hated by many.
• The reward: Being mega loaded. 

Us

• The trade-off: Having to put up with the Kardashian-saturated celebscape. Their photos on every other magazine (and even in a lot of newspapers). Being annoyed that they're so rich for "no reason". 
• The reward: Getting to make fun of them without feeling bad. 

Cheers,
Margaret

Kargaret Kay-Kardashian

I'm seriously considering buying something from the Kardashian Kollection. The Winter 2014 line.

Although the rational part of my brain says,"Don't give them any money! They don't need it!" and "You have neither the body nor the occasion for a black jumpsuit with a mesh and velvet-lined sweetheart neckline", the emotional, Sasha Fierce part of my brain thinks WHY NOT?!

With a bit of bronzer, some fake lashes and a leather bodycon dress, I could rule the world.

Actually, my feeling toward the Kardashians' winter collection is a microcosm of my feelings toward the ladies in general. Intellectually, I'm against them. Spiritually, they are my soul sisters. Fellow goddesses of sultry, Armenian beauty. Audacious in their fashion choices, unapologetic for their fame.

Do the stuffed leopards and white ukeleles come with the dress, or do you have to buy those separately?

Siiiigh. I've had a busy day of work, and staring at this screen is making my eyes hurt. Although I could write a dissertation on my complex feelings about the Kardashians, it's probably best if I refrain and direct you to my #TurkeyHat giveaway instead.

If you haven't entered for a chance to win the fantastic piece Thanksgiving garb, do it now! You only have until Saturday morning (Edinburgh time). Don't let his opportunity pass you by!

There will be a better blog tomorrow—I promise!

Love,
Margaret