Laffy Tafty

I've always had a smoldering, almost subconscious obsession with President William Howard Taft and I'm pretty sure I can pinpoint why. After some careful consideration in the minutes leading up to me writing this blog post I was able to conclude that, yes, it is because he was the fattest president ever. Of course. I mean, what a legacy! The second reason: he had a custom-made bath tube. I LOVE baths!

Look at his official White House oil painted portrait. That guy had a belly on him. To give him some credit, though, Wikipedia says he lost about 80 pounds after he left office. Way to go Tafty!

Taft's custom-made bathtub!

Anyway, the portrait makes me wonder when "full-figured" people stopped wearing their pants (trousers) over their gut, and started wearing the waistline right under the gut. At what point in history did that moment occur?

Also, what looks better? Wearing the waistline up near the belly button makes the portly individual appear to have a ginormous bladder. However, wearing it underneath the belly leaves it all to hang out. Thoughts?

Hey! It looks liked the BBC has already tackled this issue. They always beat me to it! Check out their jazzy compare/contrast photo:


According to the article it was around the turn of the 20th Century (when people started to wear lounge suits...HA) that waistlines began to fall. And they have ebbed and flowed since.

Well, we've all learned something today. Now it's time for me to make some tea and watch some Glee. Ugh, I HATE unintentional rhyming sentences.

Love ya,

Margaret

P.S. Look at the d'angelos on that "trendy teenager!"

Vocation Sensation

Warning:This cartoon has nothing to do with the rest of the blog, I just like it.

Last year as I was writing my horrendous dissertation as part of a horrendous course to get a horrendous degree, I would continually whine to Andy that I "should have learned a trade." Though I have since emerged out of the depths of my dissertation despair, I still daydream about what my life would be like had I not decided to get a liberal arts education pursue and education for education's sake.

If I were a flight attendant: I would give a free beer or a glass of wine or a snack to the passengers I thought seemed nice. I would tell them that every time I fly I pull a random seat number out of a hat and give that person an extra treat. I would tell them that today is their lucky day.

If I were an architect: I would build an apartment building and have separate garbage and recycling shoots built into each apartment. Finished with that diet coke? Just open that circular-shaped door in the wall that is labeled "aluminum" and toss the can down the shoot!

If I were a doctor: I would be a gastroenterologist/psychiatrist combo and mainly just listen to people tell their stories of woe. Most of my prescriptions would be telling people to "take a vacation from their problems" (Dr. Leo Marvin, 1991) and for the occasional suppository laxative.

If I were a teacher: I would barely ever give homework other than watching the news/reading the newspaper. I would read out loud to them in the afternoons. Two Fridays a month we would play heads-up-seven-up and eat microwave popcorn!

If I were a mechanic: I would start an oil-changing franchise in the UK or Ireland because people only change their oil once a year over here when they have to get their MOT test. What? Yeah, I don't understand it either.

ANNNYhoo, I can only dream of such things and be grateful for the fact that somehow I make money while sitting in my bed all day long. And I am grateful! It's 3:02pm and I still haven't changed out of my pajamas. How wonderful!

Cheers,

Smadge

Being an Adult>Being a Kid

Greetings!

Description of last Saturday night:

Andy and I went and saw Doug Stanhope do some comedy, went to the pub and played on the electronic quiz machine, bought a pizza from a chip shop, then ate it in bed while watching episode after episode of the West Wing.

There seems to be a consensus that childhood is the greatest and you should "enjoy it while you can" and blah blah blah. Well, compare my description of Saturday night with the following generic description of a kid's Saturday night:

Can't invite friends over because a friend spent the night last night. Eats a dinner of his parents' choosing. Watches an hour of TV because that's all that is allowed. Plays outside in the backyard but is forced to come inside and go to bed just as it's getting fun.

Hmmm....I will take the first option any ol' day of the week. Being an adult is wonderful. Nobody ever told me that! I don't have a bedtime, I get to make money and then I get to spend it on what I want, I get to vote in elections and, most importantly, I don't have to do homework!!!!!!!!

Kids do, however, have some things up on adults. For instance, experiencing insane levels of excitement on Christmas morning, not having to pay taxes, fast metabolisms and having all of your essential needs (food, shelter, clothing) provided for. Aside from those four things, life actually gets BETTER as you get older. So, if there are any kids out there reading this (there aren't), don't worry too much about "enjoying childhood while you still can" and don't buy into the propaganda that life is a downhill spiral once you hit 18. Not true!

Hasta la vista,

Margaret

Magic Eye

Nǐ hǎo,

Every time I went to the orthodontist I would try to do the Magic Eye that was hanging on the wall in the lobby. After several attempts I finally pretended that I saw the sailboat (word had gotten out by that point) and convinced myself that you either have it or you don't when it comes to doing Magic Eyes. So, I haven't attempted one since...

UNTIL NOW. Dun dun dun.

Here goes nothing...


Nope. Nada. And my eyes hurt now. I gave up and read the answer. It's nothing even close to what I maybe thought I saw (a mermaid on a rock). If you want to know the answer I will post it in a comment.

If you didn't figure it out, make yourself feel better by looking at these nifty optical illusions.

This one's a classic. Young lady looking away? OR, old lady with a witch-like nose?



Andy discovered this one on Lamebook yesterday. The girl looks naked, but it's just her friend's arm! YIKES.



I hear there is a US Celebrity Apprentice going on right now. Sounds like I have some megavideoing to do!

Love,

Margaret

Aging

Yo yo ma,

The other day I had the misfortune of viewing three of my idols, Joshua Lyman, Toby Ziegler and President Josiah Bartlett, in a YouTube video of a commercial they shot years after the West Wing ended. I was stunned by Josh's sagging jowls and Toby's sunken cheeks. To be frank, they looked like they had one foot in the grave. They looked over the hill. They looked OLD.

Here- check it out yourself.



Since watching the video the first time I have recovered from my shocked and realized that when the video was shot a significant amount of time had passed since their youthful West Wing days. It's the same as when you see any celebrity years down the road. I remember seeing a video of Judy Garland in her later years and being stunned by her wrinkles and gravelly voice.

Guess who this is?



SHIRLEY TEMPLE!!!

She's the last person you'd suspect would get old. But she did. We all do. And you know what? I am OK with it. I'm looking forward to aging gracefully like a wise old Japanese woman (better start drinking some green tea) and I can't wait to not give a rat's arse about anything because I've "been everywhere" and "seen it all." Exciting!

I have, however, laid out a few ground rules for my personal aging process. I advise you to follow suit.

1. Moisturize the face frequently
2. Never give up wearing colors and patterned prints
3. Play chess and do crosswords to keep the mind buzzing
4. Avoid wearing "young persons clothes" such as low-rise jeans after the age of 40, but never shop at stores solely aimed at the middle-aged, such as Talbots.
5. Remain open to learning new technologies
6. Never have hair longer than shoulder length after the age of 50
7. Smile as much as possible
8. Exercise, even if it just means swimming because the joints can't take running or walking
9. Travel to warm climates and soak up the vitamin D
10. Dance to tunes from the good ol' days
11. FLOSS and brush the teeth often. Toothaches are THE WORST

Well, I am going to scan the blogs and then hit the hay. Also, I am back on Twitter now. I didn't break from Twitter like Amanda Bynes or Miley Cyrus (both of whom are back on it now), but I simply forgot about it completely. I've been tweeting tonight and enjoying it. Look out for @grassyllama if you know what's good for you.

TTFN,

Madge

Anomalies

Hi!!

It's Sunday. This usually means I will cry about something trivial, become extremely restless, and then sit in my running clothes for about an hour thinking about going for a run. Andy noticed this pattern in my behavior on Sundays and was kind enough to share his observations with me. I think it happens because I am sad about the weekend ending. WELL, today I am going to stop the insanity (a la Susan Powter) and break the trend by BLOGGING my sorrows away. Plus, it's a wonderful sunny day here in E-burgh! We're starting our half-marathon training in a couple hours and I'm actually looking forward to it.

I've been doing some wikipediaing recently. My particular interest has been the world's anomalies, aka FREAKS OF NATURE.

Here's what I've found.

Mammals That Lay Eggs:

The platypus and the echidna are the only mammals on earth that lay eggs. These little freaks look like regular mammals, but when it comes time to have a baby they lay eggs like a HEN! WHAT? Yes, it's true. Then, once their babies hatch, the platypus and echidna suckle their young as if they were one of us. What wonderful, crazy guys! Here's to the platypus and the echidna- they truly broke the mold when they made you.




Foreign Accent Syndrome:

Ever heard of a disease that makes you a racist? Well, foreign accent syndrome infects people with botched accents that make it sound as if you're constantly making fun of another culture. It is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.



The Dancing Plague of 1518:



Way back in the day in what was then the Holy Roman Empire, a bunch of people started dancing and just couldn't stop. We've all been there. Just when you're about to call it a night, Kelly Clarkson comes through the speakers and before you know it you're back on your feet, toe-tappin and finger snappin away. Well, these folks got the dance fever real bad. So bad, in fact, that some of them died from it. They would dance for days without stopping and this went on for a month! If Armageddon ever seems imminent, give me a Delorian and take me back to 1518 where I can die doing what I love!

WOW. I have to pee. Why did I put it off for so long? Ultimate laziness. Well, see ya next time!

Love,

Margaret

My Pore Nose!

I have heard that the definition of crazy is repeating the same thing again and again and expecting different results. If this is true, then Biore Pore Strips are my crazy. Time and time again I apply the blackhead removal device to my speckled nose, only to be disappointed. Yet, here I am- bedridden, with a hot water bottle on my lap and a Biore Pore Strip suctioned to my schnoz. It just feels good; kind of like putting clear tape on both sides of your finger and then bending it. If you haven't tried that, I suggest you do it now. The skin around your knuckle folds up and feels sticky, while the outer part of your finger is silky smooth. TRY IT!



Ok, now for what you've been waiting for: my take on the Wikileaks drama. Here it goes. I think it's fine. More information is always a good thing, and if diplomats need to be secretive I suppose they'll have to find new, better ways of doing it. It's hard to keep things private on the Internet, because the internet was designed to be decentralized and open. If leaks of this nature had occurred prior to the Iraq war they might have shed light on the WMD ruse and we would be praising them. In regard to Julian Assange, however, he needs to stay away from the Lucious Malfoy hairdo. Not working for him.

Ok, now for what you have REALLY been waiting for: my take on Top Chef Season 8 All Stars!!! Char and I chose to forgo our usual Friday night clubbing so we could stay in, snuggle our hot water bottles, and watch episode one of Top Chef All Stars. Man-o-man was it good! I don't think a season opener of any season of any series has ever lived up to my massive expectations more. All the very best chefs from past seasons are competing for Top Chef redemption. They have Carla, both Tiffanys, Mike Isabella, Dale, and so many of my all time favorites. Plus, Anthony Bourdain is the third judge, which adds a fresh energy to the show.


Well, it's about time I put some lotion on my dry, scaly hands. Oh Winter, you are truly a formidable fiend. However, I do like the feel of a snowy Edinburgh, so perhaps you ain't too bad after all.

Llama,

Margaret

The olden days were WEIRD.

My friend Will showed me this video and I was struck by two things while watching it:

1. The olden days were WEIRD

2. I have seen my mother (Nadinski Montbrosis, as she's known on Facebook) do that exact dance that they do at the end...leg to the side, arms swinging, foot bent up toward the sky.

For my dissertation I have read a lot about how the internet is ruining our lives. These people talk about simpler days, before we became addicted to technology. Well, this video is my rebuttal. You cannot watch this it and still claim that modern technology has been a curse on our culture. The RIDICULOUSNESS of those dance moves/attempts at special effects proves just how far we've come. Also, the internet should also be revered for providing us a portal (in this case, a Will Portal) into a time and place to which we shall never, ever, return. On top of that, this is high-quality entertainment. I was DYING the first time I watched it (and the 17 other times as well).

What will we find weird when we look back on it years from now? There are the obvious answers: ugg boots, Ke$sha, Oprah, frappucinos, TV news ... but I bet there's something that is just too "cool" now to predict it ever being seen as weird.

Anyhoo, I am about to go walk along the beach with ol' Rammy Rampog. Gotta love feeling the misty sea air on your face. Gotta gotta love it.

Cheerio,

MmAaRrGgAaRrEeTt

Reality Bites

Remember that movie? Reality Bites. Was it good? It was good, right?

Also, a Kenmore Junior High yearbook when Char and Francie where there had a picture of the "world" (globe, earth, etc.) on it with a large serrated bite taken out of it and text that said "When reality bites, bite back". Very strange. Does not seem fitting for a yearbook cover.

Anyway, reality literally bit for me yesterday. I went to the dentist- which is a completely different experience over here, let me tell you. They usher you in, you lie down on the chair, they stick a needle in your gum before you have time to be scared, and 15 minutes later your cavity is filled. It makes me wonder what in the world my previous, American dentists have been doing in my mouth for all those hours. I suspect they're just doing a more thorough job.

ANYWAY, I must have looked like a weakling because they did not take their chances in numbing my tooth. They hit me with a novacaine shot that would have killed a small mammel (rabbit, raccoon, toy poodle). It didn't kill me, but it did paralyze half of my face giving me the appearance of a terrible stroke victim.

Check out these pics of me trying to smile! HAHA!

Then, as one does, I wanted to eat leftover pizza. LIKE A FOOL, I just took a huge-arse bite. Immediately I realized I had bitten the side of my lip. Live and learn. It's healed and I'm ok, but it really ruined the leftover-pizza-eating experience.

I've learned that mistakes happen and you just have to learn from them and move on. We're (Andy and I) trying to get this Backstage Edinburgh business up and running. Yesterday I accidently sent the wrong proof of our map/guide to the printers and it set us back some big bones. It was a poopy, POOPY, feeling, but I went to Char's and got some much needed perspective. THEN, I watched Mary's Haiti video and really got some much needed perspective. So proud of my cuz! THEN, I chatted with my Dad who had just uploaded an amazing video to Facebook for the first time which also made me proud.

WARM REGARDS,

Margaret

VIDEO BLOG: nothing interesting is said.

Love, marg

I've gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good good night

Holler,

Tonight is the big night- the 2010 FIFA World Cup final.

Holland v. Spain

Orange v. Red w/some yellow in there

Wooden Clogs v. Espadrilles (?)

Dutch Babies v. Spanish Omelette

Van Gogh v. Picasso

Windmills v. Bullfighting

Phew, that took some googling. Anyway, most people I've spoken to (none of whom are Spanish or Dutch) don't really care who wins tonight. Everyone just wants a good game. Maybe an early Holland goal? Any early goal would set the game in motion. I wouldn't mind seeing a goal scored by the goalie- straight from a goal kick into the back of the net. That would make watching EVERY game of this World Cup worth it for me. I am pretty sure all the English are hoping for a Howard Webb win.

Not to glass-half-empty it, but what the HECKFIRE are we suppose to do after tonight?!? The end of the World Cup doesn't just mean no more football games, it also means we must wave goodbye to:

1. The bombinating, B-flat, drone of vuvuzelas that has been the screensaver of our brains throughout the tournament (at ALL times- not just while watching the games). Won't miss that.

2. AFRICA SINNNNNGING AFRICA SINGGGGING SING SING AFRICA SING SING AFRICA

3. The Guardian World Cup Daily podcast. I will miss it.

4. Paul the Octupus- he'll be calamari by Monday.

Oh well, George Harrison taught us that all things must pass, and so be it. Here's to a great game tonight!

Love,

Margar

P.S. "Bombinate" is a verb that means to make a droning noise. What a fantastic word! Thank you, thesaurus.com.

P.P.S. I understand that calamari is squid, but since there is no name for cooked octopus (other than just "octopus") I just decided to use it anyway.

These week's pop-culture recap!

Well, this was certainly amazing:

BUT, even more amazing is the auto-tune remix:

In other news, an English-born octopus named Paul who now resides in Germany has been predicting who's going to win the World Cup games. He has chosen Spain for the final. He was right about Germany's 6 World Cup games thus far, but it should be interesting to see if his powers work for games that the German team are not participating in. If it turns out that Paul truly is psychic, we can finally have an answer to Karl Pilkington's question about Octopie- "do we need 'em"?

In Cristiano Ronaldo news, he had a baby with an unknown gal and has full custody. More importantly, he got mistaken for Jersey Shore's 'The Situation' at a restaurant in New York. HAHAHA!

Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 90 days in jail! Dino Lohan, her mother, says she is "disappointed with the system". She must be referring to the "system" that punishes those who repeatedly break the law. Officials at the LA County Superior Court are unhappy with the system in a different sense. This New York Times article said the courts in LA are overwhelmed by celebrity offenders. They're dealing with Lohan front and center, but let's not forget Don Johnson, Anna Nicole Smith's doctor, Leif Garret, and Mel Gibson's babymamma. The article describes the chaos that occurs every time Lohan comes and goes from court. In this last hearing, as Lohan exits amid a sea of paparazzi and security, Danny DeVito shows up on the front steps to report for jury duty!

Hmmm, there were some emmy nominations, but I don't really care about that. All I want is for MadMen Season 4 to start immediately. Only 15 days to go!

The US swapped some Russian spies for some US agents. They gave Russia 10 spies back but they only got 4 spies in return. Whaaaaa? Anyway, they will definitely make a movie out of this someday.

Alright, that's all the pop-culture that I can remember for now. I am going to really make it my beeswax to update my blog more. I miss writing. I miss the fame.

As the Irish would say 'Bye buh ba bye bye byebyebyebyebyebye',

Margaret

P.S. Speaking of Irish, I almost forgot the most important pop-culture news of all! My BRO-in-law Bobby is famous! Check it out!