Bogus health fads: Let's stop picking and choosing

I'm seeing a lot of articles on the detrimental effects of the anti-vaccine movement. The conversation has reached peak "duh" and we all agree that anyone still arguing against vaccinating your kids needs to put a sock in it.

But remember, it's not just that witch Jenny McCarthy who kicked off the harmful fad. Our beloved Oprah is also to blame. Oprah was the one who invited J-Mac on her show, set her up with a blog on Oprah.com and gave her a massive platform to spread her nonsense.

I still remember watching her on the Oprah show back in 2009 and thinking "Yikes. I don't want my kids to get autism. I hope they figure out whether all of this is true by the time I get to child-bearing age". Luckily, they did. They actually knew back then. She was making it all up.

Dr. Oz also turned out to be a quack. Did you know that?

Anyway, I'm preaching to the jazz choir, so enough on vaccines. The point I want to make today is that we shouldn't stop at the anti-vax movement. Let's also banish the other bogus health fads that have woven themselves into our culture. For example:

• Gluten-free — Unless you're celiac or actually have a gluten intolerance (it's rare), go ahead and gluten it on up. The truth is, 93.3% of us can eat gluten without any repercussions. Don't believe the hype.

• Cleanses — Juice cleanse, master cleanse, detox cleanse, colon cleanse, whatever. They're all bogus. Cleanses have repeatedly been proven ineffective, if not harmful. Your body already has a system for flushing out toxins. It's called your liver and kidneys!

• Blood-type diet — Nope! Not even going to dignify this one. Read here if you need convincing. 

• Carb-free diet — Of course you'll lose weight for a bit. But then you'll get hungry, sad, angry and maybe even FAT due to the appetite-boosting stress hormones your confused body is pumping out. 

• Gwyneth's vag steam — Oh Gwynn. Turns out that giving your wizard sleeve a mugwort steam isn't good for you at all! But kudos for creativity!

Instead of picking and choosing when we go with science and when we go with 'worth a try', let's just go with science all of the time. These silly health fads may seem harmless on the surface, but our culture's willingness to welcome them with open arms is worrying. It's this attitude that allowed people to entertain seriously damaging trends like the anti-vax movement in the first place.

One time I was convinced I had a parasite and went on a year-long supplement regime to try and rid myself of it. Nothing worked...until I moved to the UK, met Andy (who convinced me to stop drinking goat's milk, for a start) and eventually left my worm worries behind. Something was up with my digestion, but my guess is that it was one-part psychosomatic and one-part the result of my self-prescribed cleanse. I was making myself ill! I had Munchausen's!!! OMG. Amazing. Must add "Munchausen's survivor" to my Twitter profile.

From the Year of the Worm (2009).

Anyway, I know first-hand how easy it is to get sucked into conspiracy theories about health. I'm as bad as the next kook. This post is as much a promise to myself that, from this point forward, I'll approach health crazes with the skepticism they deserve, as it is a message for all you nuts.

Moving on. I baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies today. The best cookie. I'm not claiming mine are the best, just that oatmeal chocolate chip is the best genre of cookie. When done right, they have the perfect amount of chew, crunch and gooeyness. #SnarfSnarfSnarf

Your friend,
Dr. Madge*

*Editor's Note: Margaret is not a real doctor. Neither in the academic or medical sense.

Blogging vs. the Real World

If you think this is ridiculous...

Then check out this...

Easter was magnificent. I slept in, ate a lot of mangoes, hung out with the fam and jump roped in the family room while watching a "Rob&Big" marathon on TV. What more could ya ask for?

OMG- So, earlier tonight at the airport I was going through security and they had to pull aside my carry on bag for further investigation. Instantly I KNEW it was because I had a half-full tub of almond butter in there that probably counted as a "liquid" or perhaps a "gel." They ended up letting me keep it (thank god), BUT, in his search for the delicious contraband, the man unzipped the small, top pouch where all my dirty gunders from the weekend were stuffed! 

As if it wasn't humiliating enough, he had the nerve to chuckle and say "Those are all clean, right?" 

Ha. Ha. Ha. 

I managed to choke out a fake laugh and say, "oh yeah, of course" despite being mortified! I mean, is there not some sort of FAA rule prohibiting such invasive questions? Aren't security personal supposed to be serious and humorless?

Ok, move over Octo-Mom! The hot story everyone's talkin' about is now the rescue of a US navy captain from Somali pirates. 

The pirates, combined with the mother/daughter Peep costumes, gave me an blog idea: 

costumes vs. the real thing

Pirate:

Jack-o'-lantern:

Maid:

King Tut:

Bunny:

Grapes:

Cow:

I graduate in about 3 weeks. I am about to be a COLLEGE GRADUATE. In the words of Ab Nelson, how very bizarre. 

Peace, 

Madge

P.S. I turned in a stool sample to the lab today. I am not confident in the "product" that I "produced," and I fear it will return negative.

P.P.S. Speaking of The Real World, for anyone who watched this season (Brooklyn), how great is it that Ryan and Baya are dating? SO GREAT! Too bad he's back in Iraq. He and Chet are the sole reason this season was watchable. 

A whole new can of worms...

NEWS FLASH! 

As you know, I have been struggling with digestion issues since last February (over a year ago!). While sunbathing in Palm Springs, Martha Foley and Albee Dalbotten read in a Ladies Home Journal that bloating can be caused by parasitic infections. Being at the end of my rope, I decided to google it just in case. There are many types of parasites, often consumed by bad drinking water or unwashed produce. People get them when they travel to foreign countries. They can cause a lot of different problems in your gut, and other stuff too- even slowing down your thyroid. Their favorite foods are alcohol, caffeine, wheat and dairy. Hmmm...could this be the missing puzzle piece?

So, I thought "why not?" and started a "parasitic cleanse".......and I think it's working. I am feeling better and I have seen some stuff in my shize that resembles "eggs" and maybe parts of some sort of worm.

That's all the detail I will go into, in case there are children reading. But let me assure you, I'm on the case! Hopefully I'll get an doc appointment for some time next week so a final diagnosis can be made. Then, who knows if I will stick to the naturopathic method (three types of herbs, three times a day. Raw food diet of nuts, seeds, fruits, vegetables and legumes) or if the doc can give me something stronger. I WANT THEM OUT! I am very excited to start feeling better without fear of feeling bad again in a few days.  

Remember when Voldemort was living as a parasite in Professor Quirrell's body? It SICKENS me to think that I am someone's "Quirrell". DIGUSTS ME!

Until next time, 

Madge