Would a poop by any other name smell so bad?

What words and phrases do you hate?

I'm not fond of 'starter home'. When people say "it's our starter home" they are being pretentious.

My mom doesn't like it when people say 'no problem' or 'no worries' instead of thank you. Andy and I both admit that we do this all the time. Must be an our generation thing. She also doesn't like 'how's your day so far' or 'my bad'.

Andy hates when people throw 'go ahead' into a sentence for no reason. For example, "I'm going to go ahead and add you to the email list" or "If you could just go ahead and provide your feedback, that'd be great".

My dad can't stand when young people respond to something with a trail of yeahs. He says he'll often say something very interesting, only to be met with "yeah, yeah, yeahyeahyeahyeah..." Apparently it happens all the time.

Francie, according to Char, doesn't like the use of 'super' as a substitution for 'really'. For example, "their wedding photos were super cute" or "they just bought a super big starter home".

Oh god—want to know the WORST one? I was once working on some copy for a large UK bank and one of their employees let me in on some juicy insider gossip. An irritating new phrase was spreading like wildfire through their office.

"Please revert"

YEP. That's how people at this bank were signing off their emails. They'd say something like, "Hi Bob, I've attached those reports that you requested. We're keen to hear your feedback. Please revert. Thanks, Sally"

Is that not terrible? Please revert. It doesn't even really make sense. Apparently it originated in India. Software developers and other tech professionals were using in their emails to colleagues in the US and UK. And the rest is history.

In other news, today I got a strawberry smoothie (they call it a smoothie, but really it's a milkshake) from Tully's and it was TO DIE FOR. I don't know if it was just because I'd walked 35 minutes through a soulless business park on Mercer Island to get there, or if it really was that good, but boy did it hit the spot. Obviously it did, as I'm still thinking about it now, several hours later.

Goodnight,
Margaret

Addleman and addled man

Old man in wheelchair story #1

Yesterday, at BECU, Andy and I overheard an old man in a wheelchair chatting with a clerk about his business plan. His name was Addleman. Full name, potentially Addleman Addleman. We'd observed him entering it for both 'first name' and 'last name' in the self-service check-in before wheeling over to the waiting area.

Addleman was applying for a business bank account and explaining the nonprofit he was planning to start—a segregated community for sex offenders. How it would work is that sex offenders would no longer sit in prisons wasting tax payer's precious money (we foot the bill for their food, their healthcare, everything!), but instead they would be sent to live in a quarantined colony of other sex offenders, forced to create their own economy and societal structure with help from the nonprofit's donated funds.

"I don't expect it to be successful in my lifetime," Addlman told the clerk. Not a ringing endorsement, but you have to respect the honesty.

Old man in wheelchair story #2

This morning Andy caught a bus from 3rd Ave and James St. It was due at 12:28pm, so at half past when it hadn't arrived, he started to worry.

Suspecting he may have jotted down the times wrong, he walked over to the side of the bus stop to view the scheduled stops. An old man in a wheelchair was positioned in front of the timetable, forcing Andy to stand to the side and lean across to check the times.

"GET THE F--K AWAY FROM ME!" the man shouted.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to view the bus times," Andy said.

"OH, SORRY MAN! I'M JUST RURRRL PARANOID."

"Er, no problem"

Just then, the bus arrived. Both Andy and the man in the wheelchair got on. He apologized again. "SORRY ABOUT THAT MAN. YOU KNOW, JUST PARANOID!"

 Andy accepted his apology and all was forgiven.


In related news, isn't life interesting?

Goodnight,
Margaret

Workin' for the man every night and day

A couple days ago, my new-to-America, Irish bro-in-law William was shocked and appalled to hear the Seattle Mariners were playing their 37th game in 38 days. He couldn't believe it.

But if he thinks that's crazy, then he should read this email that a banking analyst at Barclays just sent his summer interns. Trust me, it's worth a read.

Incoming Intern Class of 2015, 

Welcome to Power! I am sure you are all busy at training, but in the interest of helping your transition into the summer, and hopefully helping some of you secure Full-Time offers, I wanted to introduce you to the 10 Power Commandments. Respect them, love them, live them. You may have heard different stories about Barclays Power – go on WSO and you’ll see us called the “frattiest group”, “top Power group on the street”, or the group with the “best PE placement” – needless to say we are a unique group at Barclays. And with that come unique rules. 

For 9 weeks you will live and die by these: 

1. Our group dresses very conservatively. Given that it is summer, no socks is accepted and, in fact, encouraged. (Men: On your first day at the desk, it is customary to wear a bowtie and/or suspenders). 

2. Remember: this is a summer internship for a full-time offer. It won’t be easy. If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen. 

3. We expect you to be the last ones to leave every night…no matter what. That’s what good summer analysts do. (Also getting in earlier than me would be a power move – You should enjoy your casual 9:15AM PT arrival time this Friday, but I wouldn’t get used to it). 

4. During your first few weeks we ask that you direct all of your questions to Michael Lomio. Tell the other summers too, Michael is industry agnostic. If you ask me a question it will be noted. 

5. Never take your jacket off at work. This is investment banking, ladies and gentlemen. Other groups may be more liberal when it comes to summer dress code, unfortunately were not 

6. You will be assigned junior “mentors”. It is much appreciated if you would bring breakfast in for your respective “mentor.” Some people are more particular about this than others. 

7. I recommend bringing a pillow to the office (yoga mat works as well). It makes sleeping under your desk alot more comfortable, in the very likely scenario that you have to do that. 

8. You are expected to allocate at least half your seamless web order for group appetizers/snacks for the month of June. No questions asked. Once the 2nd years leave, you can enjoy your $25 allocations. 

9. Have a spare tie/scarf or two around. You never know when your associate will run out of napkins. 

10. When you need to leave your desk there will be a sign out sheet outside your cubes. Please fill it out including where you went and for how long. This is important come the end of your internship. 

I hope it is clear from the rules above that the internship really is a 9-week commitment at the desk. You are here with the sole goal to impress the group enough to receive a FT offer. During my summer in the group an intern asked our staffer for a weekend off for a family reunion – he was told he could go. He was also asked to hand in his blackberry and pack up his desk. 

Some of you have asked for training materials to study up on before you start. Love the enthusiasm. First, I would recommend reading the GS Elevator twitter feed for some social cues. It might be seen as a joke to some people, but around here I think many people find it insightful. Below is a link to a great read for any dress questions. 

Dress Rules: http://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-dress-the-part-on-wall-street-2013-8 

Second, I have attached a fairly simple LBO for Staples. Understand this will be a bit tough for some of you without a Finance / UG business degree, but we believe in you. There’s a reason each of you was picked for the group. We expect you to give this your best shot and send us a completed LBO model with a short write up by Friday end of day. None of you will have this 100% correct, that’s expected. We also still expect you to complete a significant portion of it. 

Welcome to the big leagues, boys and girls. Play time is over and it’s time to buckle up. Once you hit the desk, your lives will be your work for 9 weeks. Please respond promptly to acknowledge you’ve received this e-mail (anytime in the next half hour would be fine) and to confirm that you are onboard for the summer. We know you have access to e-mail, so there’s no way to avoid this. If I remember correctly, you are probably doing training with Sean Clovey from IT, or Market Mark from TTS. 

Other than that, I look forward to meeting you all, and I hope you’re excited to join the group! We sure are looking forward to having you here! 

Yours Truly,

Justin

P.S. There are a number of typos in place in the email above. These are on purpose. First person to email me back with at least 3 highlighted typos is off to a GREAT start!

Yeah. I know. It's so bad. It's cartoonishly douchey.

The email was leaked to the Wall Street Journal a couple days ago. The guy has since been fired.

Image by 드림포유 via Flickr

My question: who is the person who receives this email and responds well to it? Who is that poor soul who reads it and thinks, "Man, this is so inspiring. I'm going to work extra hard this summer"?

I actually feel kind of bad for the guy who wrote it. He's clearly just an ugly example of a certain corporate culture where this sort of thing is seen as OK and normal. I'm fairly certain this dude is just repeating the stuff that he was told when he was a lowly intern. That said, Hitler wasn't able to do the Holocaust on his own. He needed brainwashed, power-hungry middle managers like this guy to buy into his crazy ideas. So, I take it back. I don't feel bad for this guy.

Yikes, did I just make a Hitler comparison? I'm getting so lazy in my old age. Forgive me.

Peace be with you,
Margaret

P.S. I had a crack at the three typos, even though it's clear he just added that caveat to cover his arse for inevitable typos. 'On purpose' my ass!

• "and hopefully helping some of you secure Full-Time offers" — Don't capitalize 'full-time' because it's not a proper noun.

• "Tell the other summers too, Michael is industry agnostic." — Should be semicolon instead of a comma (in my opinion).

• "This is investment banking, ladies and gentlemen. Other groups may be more liberal when it comes to summer dress code, unfortunately were not" — Two typos here. "Were" should be "we're" and it's missing a period at the end of the sentence.

• "It makes sleeping under your desk alot more comfortable" — Should be 'a lot' not 'alot'. 
• "When you need to leave your desk there will be a sign out sheet outside your cubes" — Should be 'sign-out sheet' with a hyphen. 

• "He was also asked to hand in his blackberry and pack up his desk." — Blackberry should be capitalized.

• "to confirm that you are onboard for the summer." — It should be "on board" not "onboard". 

That's seven. What do I win??


SOURCE: Wall Street Journal

The saga continues

...and it looks like Ringo's to blame.

No, not that Ringo.

RingGo the cashless parking solution! Turns out, it hasn't solved anything! It's just created more problems!

Andy has received five parking tickets in the past month. FIVE. His defence: he paid through the RingGo app in every instance for which he's accused. He claims he was charged for the parking and the money has been taken from his account.

This was his response to Edinburgh Council's Department of Parking Services:

Spelled 'correspondence' wrong - but don't worry, he caught the mistake. 

I'll let you know how he gets on.

In other news, I cried at an HSBC commercial today.

The plot: a Chinese-American 20-something who works in a hair salon gets a cheque from three of her old lady customers to pay for her fashion design school tuition.

Cue the waterworks! I mean, yes, HSBC is a bank and banks are evil. But on the other hand, I've never claimed to be emotionally stable and HSBC refused bailout money back in the day so I have a bit of a soft spot for them.

Oh heck, just watch it for yourself.

 

Found out I don't have to work tomorrow, which means a good blog post is coming your way soon. Look out for it!

Love,
Margaret

This American Life — So hot right now

The fact that 'This American Life' is the best radio show on the air is nothing new. We've all known it for years. We all love the fiasco episode. We all guiltily give five bucks to the show once a decade. We all have Ira's name in a heart tattooed on our biceps. OK, I get it. I GET IT. 'This American Life' is good and the fact that it's good doesn't merit an entire blog post.

But hear me out. At the moment, it's particularly good. Two recent episodes—Not So Simple Majority and The Secret Recordings of Carmen Segarra—are really, really top notch. Top notchier than usual.

If you're going for a run, driving to work or getting a beard weave like Denzel on America's Next Top Model, then I recommend popping these TAL episodes in the ol' Microsoft Zune.

Ira's senior photo, 1977 via Milford Mill High School via Wikimedia Commons

OK. I wish I could write more, but I've been procrastinating all weekend and have to do some actual work now. Andy is in France and I've had no one to stop me from watching Real Housewives of New Jersey until 3am every night. Yes, you read that right. Alert the presses, I've finally gotten around to watching RHONJ. And yes, it's every bit as wonderful as you've all told me.

Cheers,
Margaret

P.S. I've spoken not a single word today. I haven't talked to anyone in person, on the phone or on Skype. I've remained utterly silent. It's always bizarre the few days a year that this happens.

P.P.S. I just said "hello" out loud.

P.P.P.S. Just did it again and filmed it.